Have You Seen?

I've got a vision, my friends.  Has anyone seen a tree similar to this out and about?  This one is from Pottery Barn and a bit more than I want to spend....but I imagine would be on sale soon enough for next year's Lent/Easter event.

Love

BB began work on his Valentine's cards yesterday.  They are pretty simple but he loves stickers.  I am going to write something on them and then we'll see if he can write his name on them.  He only chooses to write three letters of his name.  He claims he can't write the other letters.  Hummm.  And yes, his real name is 'stubborn'.

Healthy Guilt

My family and I have shared along with the Livesay family for years now. We have other connections to Haiti as well,  hso learning about the Livesay's life gave some further insight into the work of our friends and family there. Our "connection" to all of them took a more heartfelt turn with the earthquake in Haiti. I check the blog everyday and today is a particularly touching entry.

They are back home, and feeling guilty about it.  On a very small level I understand this.  Years ago, I went to work with Habitat for Humanity International in SW Georgia.  I spent a few months in West Virginia as well.

Shortly after arriving back from West Virginia I joined my family on a vacation at a resort in the one of the Carolinas. (I don't remember exactly where--Hilton Head?)  The juxtaposition was too much for me.  I felt guilty and overwhelmed by my life in comparison to the lives others live...in many cases by the sheer randomness of who they were born to.  In typical 20-something behavior I took out this guilt on my family with rage and snarky pouting.  They didn't, and probably still don't, understand and the trip goes into the story book of "remember when H did."

I have no idea what the Livesays must feel like today.  But part of me thinks we should all feel like that a bit as we go about our daily lives.  The three part mixture of thankfulness and awareness of how good we have it and a longing to make the life of another better seems to be a worthwhile way to live.

Guilt isn't the most helpful of emotions or reactions...it tends to be debilitating.  But we should feel something beyond ambivalence.

Snow...again. Did I just say that?

I love snow. Love, love, love it. Didn't I wax on about how it is grace falling...or some such phrase? Well, here it comes again.

5 to 8 inches are expected over the next few days. My love for snow developed in regions of the country that are use to snow. Can handle it. Enjoy it. 5 to 8 inches is a typical event...not a "stock up, shut down school, cancel meetings, panic" type of event. Here, roads aren't cleared and people can't drive. Schools are canceled and the kids are home. (my biggest concern, frankly.)

Yesterday, a young woman canceled a meeting with me in anticipation of the possibility of snow. Ok, points for honesty...but it was hard not to (pastorally, of course) laugh at her.

I love to see falling snow. I don't love it where I am. We do Spring really well here...let's get on with that.

A Week in Review

Awe, the joy of Saturday morning. It has been a good week...highlighted by the fact I am no longer experiencing life though the lens of thyroid induced exhaustion. Wow, does that feel good? I can't believe how tired I felt and how energized I feel now.

The other piece that makes my week much easier is that I haven't preached in a while. A few weeks ago I did two weeks in a row. I am always amazing at how much pressure a sermon adds to my overall week. The constant, internal hum of sermon prep wears me down. Everywhere I go and everything I do is done with my wondering, "Can I get something out of this?" Or the scripture ( and often my lack of direction on what to do with it) runs through my mind. The phrase, "I should be..." is said over and over. "I should be working on my sermon." It makes me snap at my kids and feel way too anxious at other times, neither is exactly what scripture was meant to do, right? My hat is off to those of you preaching each week.

While I've enjoyed the free time, I am back at it for next week...

Just for fun, here is a week in review: a few movies, tv shows and products we saw and used, that I wanted to share.

First up is a hair product by Aveda.  My favorite for smells and pure bliss. My hair texture has changed just a bit with each pregnancy. If you didn't study my hair with rap attention you'd probably miss its subtle frizziness. I gave these products , Smooth Infusion shampoo and conditioner a try (with a sample...) and I loved it. It really smoothed out my hair. To the point that my dear husband noticed after I had blow dried it. I don't know how it would be for every shampoo...will it weigh it down? These are the serious issues I will ponder as I think over Luke 5:1-11 this week. But I liked it, so, I'm sharing.

Next up is a movie we watched last night on Nexflix.  If you have Netflix you can watch online--FYI.  We haven't seen a movie set in a foreign country for a while and it felt good to leave America for two hours. Helped enhance the 'escape' we were looking for. 



And then, my latest...sigh...addiction.  I flew through the first season of Mad Men during nap time the past two weeks.


 A scene from the pilot.  It took me 5 or so episodes to really want to keep watching.  In the early episodes the misogyny was just too painful.  (just so you know, there is no violence towards women, just verbal and cultural sexism.  And there isn't the nudity or language of SATC/Weeds/Big Love)  By mid season though, the characters fill out a bit and I was really curious as to how they would all develop.  Here's a clip with the slimiest of men (eww, eww, eww) and the career minded woman.

I may not start season two for a while...I am trying to work on the Mayo Clinic Diet 5 Habits to Keep and Break.

Add five habits

-- Eat a healthy breakfast, but don't eat too much. (Check)

-- Eat at least 3 to 4 servings of vegetables and fruits a day. (eh....maybe?)

-- Eat whole grains, such as whole-grain bread. (Check)

-- Eat healthy fats, such as olive oil and nuts. (Check)

-- Walk or exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. (Nope)

Break five habits

-- Don't watch TV while eating, and spend no more time watching TV than you do exercising. (Nope!!!!!!!)

-- Eat no sugar except what is naturally found in fruit. (Nope)

-- Eat no snacks except vegetables and fruits. (Nope)

-- Limit the amount of meat and low-fat dairy that you eat. (Check)

-- Eat no restaurant food unless it fits in the diet program. (Nope)

Add five bonus habits

-- Keep records of what you eat. (Nope)

-- Keep records of your physical activity.   (Nope)

-- Walk or exercise at least 60 minutes a day.  (Nope)

-- Eat mostly fresh foods and healthy frozen or canned foods. (Check)

-- Write down your daily goals.  (Nope---unless you mean a To Do List??)

Valentine T-shirt-bleach pen

New craft idea with the bleach pen.

rinsing off.

Final product...little hand sneaking in to take it away.

8 years of puppy love

Happy 8th Birthday, Annebelle! 

Here she is this past summer, enjoying her favorite place in the whole wide world.

Love you!

Rebel with a Cause

I don't think anyone would ever describe me as rebellious.  Never.  No one.  I am nearly as square, boring, bland, vanilla, earnest, conscientious, as they come.  Put a people pleasing cherry on top of this stunning descriptive sundae and you'll see my junior high and high school years flash before you.  I have never smoked...anything.  I didn't drink until I was 21.  By then I was a pretty dedicated athlete and in turn my real drinking (ha, ha) didn't start up until seminary.  I can count on one hand how many times anyone would have even thought I might be intoxicated.  BORING...I know.

So I make up for it with my colorful language.  Again, this really took off in seminary.  I blame it on a certain classmate, now senior pastor who can/could drop the 'f' bomb like sailor.  I think my casual use of many swear words still startles people.  Good...something about me should.

But since having kids, I have tried to calm it down a bit.  I've done pretty well.  I still realize I say plenty of things I don't want my kids to say...BB's favorite, "What the heck." has made me even more aware of this.

So, my friends...a bit of conversational homework. 

Head over to The Mommy Revolution and tell me what you think of this conversation.  It is a conversation over what words are 'ok' in your house. Or if you don't have little people in your house on a regular basis, what is your impression of a kid's language.  When you hear a wee one saying he has to piss...what's your reaction?  (beside laughing)

Stupid is on my list of 'no-no's'.  As is heck, shut up, butt, crap, piss...and all the obvious ones.  My kids are 4 and 1.10 months...so still pretty young to understand nuance. 

Because I Had To.

First off, I'm sorry.  While I blog a with a thin veil of anonymity, I don't mean to be exclusive or to create a clique of 'insiders.'  I hope you understand me to be open and inviting.  This entry isn't one of those times.  This photo is an inside joke.

Procrastination

I *should* be reading and preparing for classes tomorrow night. 

Instead, I organized my purse.

 Before:

Here are the contents, all spread out on my desk:

I ordered these to save the day (don't love the colors, but they were on sale):

All done.  We shall see how long this lasts.

 

Now, I suppose I should go back to reading and preparing...

Two Years

I have had this blog for two years.  Amazing to me that time has passed that fast.  I am really thankful to have this collection of thoughts and stories to mark the passing of time--the fact some of you read and comment, is just a huge bonus.  Thanks!!

It all started here...

Cookies for a Tea Party

I made these for my niece's second birthday.  I have a friend who has made felt cookies for her kids to play with and her mom made a tea bag for a party--they inspired me.  When you search the topic of felt play foods you come up with quite a few websites.  Great ideas and inspiration!

For some reason I needed the project to be as easy as possible.  So, I ordered a few kits from Lilly Bean.  I found her off of Martha Stewart.  It wasn't super expensive and arrived at my door with ease.  I ended up hand sewing these instead of breaking out my machine.  I blanket stitched the edges.  They would have been cuter with embroidery thread on the edges, but I kept it simple.

BB loved them and wants some of his own.  I have a few more kits from Lilly Bean to make and I also bought felt from Michaels to make simple round cookies next week.  They were quick, fun and pretty cute.

Sunshine, and Rain

It was an odd day.  I woke to an email announcing the separation of a friend's marriage.  Stunned and saddened, I continued to scan my emails and face book pages, all full of news, reflection and calls to action in Haiti. 

At some point in the day, the news broke across the ELCA community that a seminarian was killed in the earthquake.  Friend after friend posted a call for prayers for his family.  It happens that he is the son of two pastors, his mother a former bishop.  It isn't that this makes it more sad, or this death more important than the 100,000 (gasp) of other people mourning or searching, but it does mean I can see the faces of those wracked in pain tonight.  I know who is suffering in grief and those sitting stunned by how this tragedy has come to sit in their living room.

What makes this day more odd is that I am happy.  The months of thyroid induced malaise has passed.  Our little family, quirks and all, is about as good as it has been in years.  We sit in our house (ok, it is still the same house...but that is another post) all cuddled up reading books and chatting around the table.  We smile and snuggle and kiss and talk.  I even have a date tomorrow night.  As I type I am listing to my husband and BB chat and laugh in the quiet rhythm that is uniquely theirs.

Like any good addict I know that as I type, I am missing two tv shows, but I choose to leave them off for now.  The books on my nightstand and my pajamas are calling me.  Baby steps.

I did all I could do today.  I wrote an email back to my friend expressing my sorrow and support.  I said prayers for the thousands of mothers and fathers whose arms are empty tonight.  I sent money to the Lutheran World Relief.  I offered countless prayers with my friends.  And, I gave thanks.

It was a day buoyed by unbelievable joy at new life, and simultaneously covered in sorrow at the vulnerability of humanity.

We await tomorrow, fully of grace and with strength enough to do what we can.

No Jogging (suits) Allowed

This morning my husband left the house at 7am.  Those of you who know him and his morning routine, can get up off the floor and close your mouths.  Needless to say this change in habits threw us off a bit.

EG was dressed and BB had the "wrong" pants on. (they were dirty and didn't match his top so I told him to change.)  He was fussing and ignoring me and playing.  EG got her socks on, her shoes on and had her coat on when I used a more...powerful...voice with BB.

"Mom.  (calm, with hands out, palms up, shaking them) What is all the fussing about?  You aren't ready."
"Please do not use that tone with me.  Change your pants and come get your socks and shoes on."

He turns away and goes to his room to get his pants changed and on the way back to me checks out how his imaginary cake is doing in the play kitchen.

"BB, get over here.  We are going to be late for your school.  Here are your socks and shoes. EG and I are going to get into the car."

He turns around as an absolute look of HORROR comes over his face.

"MOM!  MOM!!  You can not wear your pajamas to school."

I look down at myself and internally giggle.  No, no, it hasn't come to that, I had changed from my pjs.  But, my jeans and usual 'work' pants were dirty so I was wearing a tracksuit --not my proudest moment, but I was going to let others think I was off to the gym.

"BB, I am dressed."
"No you aren't.  Those look like your pajamas."

And in a huff, he picked up a sock to put it on.

A Life by Candle Light

Every once in awhile I catch my son singing a song from his preschool religious education time.  The program is called Godly Play and I love it.  When I hear him sing, I have to be careful not to look directly at him, least he stop.  He also won't sing upon request unless he is VERY confident that he knows the song.

On his own I can tell he is working on a song that has these lines...."alone we are one little light, but together we shine bright."  He won't tell me the final line and I have forgotten it.  From google, I think it might be from a Jewish folk song.

I think too many of us have lost sight of the finite limits of our individual light and the infinite wattage of our united luminary.  I'm thinking in general terms, as well as specifically to the my denomination, and membership congregation.

Withholding funds, directing money, withholding attendance or quitting all together...the sum of these actions is making me so sad.  I am physically pained when I am in certain groups of people.  And, yet again, I leave large gatherings feeling completely and utterly alone. Isolated by my theology, politics and philosophy.  I have a certain expectation and comfort when I feel this way among strangers or a "new/different" group...but to feel it amongst "my own,"  it cuts closer to my quick.

I guess we can add stewardship, and the understanding of The Body of Christ, and the work of the larger church to the growing list of topics we need to cover in more theological depth.

"alone we are one little light, but together we shine bright."

Part of the Problem

If you are a reader of this blog, you know that for months...years...I have been trying to get "back on track."  The following things might be part of the derailment issue:

email
facebook
blogs
writing my blog
twitter
and then there are my television shows...

Desperate Housewives
Castle
Greys Anatomy
Private Practice
Brothers and Sisters
Modern Family
CougarTown (can. not. believe. that I just wrote that down.)
Biggest Loser

And on Netflix:
Big Love
Weeds

along with various other tv shows that can only be watched via cable (which, thank goodness, we don't have.) and older ones I remember from my childhood.
Cagney and Lacey
30Something
et cetera, et cetera...

Now mind you many of these tv shows are watched over the internet and at my own time.  But still, this is a bit ridiculous.

So, you should all clap and offer well wishes for my strength over the weekend.
1. I didn't  log on to facebook from Friday night (ish) until Sunday night (ish)
2. When Desperate Housewives began to bore me on Sunday night, I turned it off.

Can you believe my sheer strength and will power?

Guys and Dolls

Over the past six months our doll collection has gone from two (BB's) to eight.  EG is given dolls with the same frequency as BB was given trucks.  On most days I find comfort in the fact she loves to drive the trucks around and he stops to check on the odd baby when he has a moment.  I can also admit that she is drawn more to the dolls than he was at her age.  I admit they play with the toys a bit differently.  I can chalk that up to gender and accept it.

But in the back of my mind the phrase, "they are different people" plays over and over.  We aren't just boys and girls.  We are people and each of us approaches the world differently...because of our skin color, hair color, ethnic culture, education, parenting and yes, our gender.

Why is this such a radical concept?  Why must we reduce everything to blue and pink?  Trucks and dolls?

When I say I am a feminist, it comes from one simple phrase from a NOW poster:  Feminism is that radical notion that women are people.

BB has been in preschool for four months now.  The big, bad, outside world is creeping into my home.  He's play acting super heroes and talking about Star Wars and punching the couch and pretending to use his finger as a gun.  All things that my head explode and my heart crumble.  "NOOOOOOO!!!!" my whole being cries out.

He wasn't allowed to look at a tv until he was three and even now he only watches a few dvds, mostly the Mighty Machine series.  He's a smart kid, so he knows how to get a charge out of Mommy.  He also knows and respects that "we don't do" certain things...like pirates and guns and that physical fighting isn't tolerated.

I'm a smart kid, too.  I know that each of these issues in nuanced and that my fellow parents are doing their best.  Every family has different goals and styles.  I need to have a talk with the preschool teachers and I have been putting it off because I don't want to be "that parent."  The whiny, self righteous, "it is all about my kid" type of parent.  I don't want to come off as judgmental.

But the reality is, parenting is always a judgment call.  With each move you make you are making a judgment.  The balance is, to maintain your values without tearing apart the other person.  Sometimes, we aren't as mindful about our decisions.  "What's the harm in a Batman movie?"  "His Dad hunts."  "They are just playing."  "I did that all the time as a kid."  and my favorite..."Boys will be boys."

It is that last one I can't accept.  That is the one that holds no shred of weight in my mind.  It is the one that gets people crossed off my list of possible kindred spirits.  (horrible, I know, and I confess.)

This post was inspired by BB.  As I was placing my latest book order, he came in to ask for help putting on EG's latest doll's clothes.  "I want her to wear this, but I can't quite get it on. Can you do it?"  I gave a bit of guidance and told him to try again.  I realized what great small motor skills it was developing and what eye hand coordination it required.

And, as he left, I had to smile at the person he is becoming.

Winter Wonderland

 We had a snow day today.  We received a pretty large amount of snow (for where we live) and it has made things very, very beautiful.  Snow does that.  Someone described it as grace dancing.  I described it as wonder and awe.  Some see frozen rain...they aren't the poets among us.

The photos in this entry are from the Winter Wonderland where I grew up.  We took them over Christmas.  It was a great week to watch snow fall and fall.  We stayed warm inside baking and talking and watching the kids run around.  (Oh, and work on those Christmas cards.)  We headed out to downhill ski, make snowpeople and snow forts.  Some went ice skating and sledding and skiing.

The people I live among right now are good people.  On most any given day I enjoy many of them.  They can not, however, drive a snow plow or drive a car with more than a light freezing rain.

So, we stayed home and enjoyed the falling grace.

(and to those who have wondered: yes, that is 'snow' falling on my page right now. No need to have your vision checked.)

 

May I Recommend...

this blog...The Painted Prayerbook.  I would love ANY of her artwork and find her insights breathtaking.

2010

My friend Jennie, who walks over at The Emmaus Road, wrote something in an entry on her new years resolutions that I just loved..."As a recovering perfectionist who has found a life-source in grace..."  It holds the tension inherent in all resolutions.  I rarely make them.  Every so often I feel a need to start over...to repent or to do better.

In 37 years I have learned that I lack will power.  I am strong.  I am stubborn.  I am dependable.  Just not when it comes to doing anything consistently.

Most nights I don't wash my face, I forget to brush my teeth, I take vitamins randomly.  I apply all the expensive creams I buy on a very erratic basis.  If my whole being wouldn't shut down, I wouldn't get out of bed each morning to take my thyroid meds.

So you see why a resolution might be out of the realm of possibilities with me.  I mean, really, why bring more guilt upon oneself?

But I have hopes.  So here are some hopes for the next year...

I hope...
to take better care of myself.
to not take better care of myself with sugar cookies and baked goods.
to work on developing deeper relationships...with people who share my interests.  Interests beyond motherhood.
to find space (physical and time) to be creative.
to hang out with my husband more.
to get a better grasp on what I actually have control over and then excerise said control when applicable.

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I would love to put concrete goals out there...but I think I will stick to 'hopes.'  Here's hopin' that works out for me.

Christmas Card 2009

She said it.

Thank you Peacebang.

Thank you, Pr. Pam.

Thank you, Pr. Nadia.

And, for  a real Advent/Christmas gift, check out this video by the Livesays.

Bethlehem is in sight

The package to the distant sibling has been sent.
Gifts for children of all ages have arrived.
BB and my DH are out shopping for me as I type.
We have snow and the kids have been out sledding.
I have pants that will fit me.
FB accounts has been signed off of for the remainder of the year.
Snacks are purchased for trip north.
Christmas with inlaws has been scheduled for tomorrow.
Christmas cards are all that are left...best get to it.

This has been a difficult season for me.  I have been internally fighting the secular 'to do list' and the manic drive to spend and decorate and celebrate in all the ways the culture desires of us.  Mentally, I have written many a blog post on all the ways we try to cram celebration into these four weeks.  Why don't we spread out gifts, cards, parties, coffees, brunches...Why, oh WHY do we do this to ourselves?

In the end I did what I wanted to...told my internal drive 'to do more' to "shut up" ( and I don't say that phrase very often, to anyone.) and went along doing the best I could.

I have written many a judgmental post as well.  Wondering why adults are so obnoxious at preschool programs and why we can't hang up our damn cell phones.  I have even judged people's holiday decorations and Christmas cards.  I have judged myself for how my son is approaching the season...gimme, gimme, gimme. 

But none of them will really benefit anyone, so I hit the delete key in my mind and moved on.  Your Christmas will be all the brighter for not having to read my rants.

Clearing out some of the chaotic mental frustration and holiday angst, helped Bethlehem come in to view.

It isn't a mirage after all!  There, off in the distance is the place Jesus was born, is born, will be born.  I caught sight of it in my rear-view mirror and in the grocery lines and in the eyes of those who dance around my house.  In the end, in spite of all my judgment, and concern, and fear that society is completely lost, devote of any true compass, I catch a glimpse of the place where God came to us.  God's humility, vulnerability and acceptance, strengthens my faith once again.  And I remember, that it is for people such as this...such as myself: judgmental, proud, and self centered...that God put on human flesh and lived among us.

For myself and for you, I wish these final days of Advent to be full of the holy.  Holy waiting in line, holy cooking, holy cleaning (and painting) and preparing.  Holy days.  I also wish you the most blessed Christmas season...all 12 days of it.  Enjoy.  Savor.  Wonder.  Take your time in Bethlehem.  New babies are something to behold and this one is not to be missed.

Peace to you and yours!

No, It is still me.

I was just bored and tried to change things up a bit with layout.  Watch, it will change again.

Not Prepared

If you are anxiously awaiting photos of my home, decorated for the Advent and Christmas seasons, you can see what it looked like last year, here.  As BB reminds me nearly every hour, we have not decorated as much this year.  And, we won't be.

Part of the Story

Here is final paragraph from my sermon on Sunday.  It was a soft sermon.  That is being kind.  Although, I knew it was. I knew I wasn't getting into the text as much as I could have and I made peace with that...I told my stories about children and setting expectations...I got my laughs and had some fun.  Fun.  Huh, fun, with Luke's version of John the Baptist...well, never thought I'd write that sentence.

But, considering I was having a delightful text study in Chicago at 3:30pm...I did pretty well.

"So what then should we do?

We wait.  We wait in hope.  We wait in Joy.  We return again and again to the expectations God lays out for us.  We wait for the day when it will all be second nature…loving our neighbor, kindness, forgiveness, joy, gratitude…when all our responses to the gift of God in the flesh, come as easy as breathing.  We wait for Jesus to come again.  We wait..opening the gift God gave us in Christ, one layer of grace and expectation at a time."

What I wish I could have put together is here.  Hang with her past the horror movie stuff...because the last 6 paragraphs are worth it.

Four!

Here is a photo of the t-shirt.  BB loved wearing it to school and for his party.  I imagine he'll have it on a few more times this year.

 

I made this banner out of paper (can't go into the scrapbook store without buying SOMETHING) that matched the table decorations.

I frosted cookies...had enough cut out 'fours' to feed the neighborhood. 

Here is the beginning of the cake.  When BB saw the crack in it, he wanted his excavators to be digging a foundation large enough to build a skyscraper.  So, I dug out a hole...chocolate cake looks just like dirt.

Here is the final cake. 

Easiest one yet. 

Green frosting.  Crushed Oreo cookies and my royal icing boulders.

And, what else would make a construction party complete?  Why, an excavator, of course! 

(and some soil...)

Thanks to everyone who made it a great weekend.  We love you!!!

Joy

It is a beautiful sunny day here.  We sent the kids out to play after breakfast so that party preparations could begin.  BB dressed himself in his firefighter uniform, along with a winter hat and mittens.  EG came running in hot pursuit, dressed as a bumble bee in tennis shoes.  The bee costume has a hood so she saw no need for a hat.

The sunshine streamed into our kitchen as I sipped tea and my husband ate his cereal. We planned the day and occasionally looked out the window at our bee and firefighter.  After my husband took off for errands, I began to bake the cake (second cake...longer story).  Sunshine.  Smell of chocolate cake powder in the air.  And the sight of our kids out the window.  Joy.

At one point I looked out to see both of them laying on their stomachs under the ball catching net (probably feels like a tent to them).  Their young heads are close together, while their feet kick in crisp air.  The dog bounced around them, her breath forming clouds around them.  Every once in awhile they would pop up and run around then come back to the same spot and snuggle back up together.  Something about the scene amazed me.  My babies.  Out there, together in the world.  There they were. 

What on earth were they up to?

It hit me that as much as I wanted to go out to see what they were talking about, playing, creating, my presence would have ruined it for everyone.  They were out in our small yard becoming their own selves...and today, I watched their relationship develop.  She can talk.  He can listen.  They can take turns.  Together, they can plan and plot and dream.  I know they were sharing the beginnings of what it means to have siblings.

It is siblings that know your story from the beginning...in the best conditions they have your back like no one else in your life ever will.  From my experience, the honesty, loyalty and love that comes from your sister or brother can not be matched, or recreated.  While you can have a full, rich and productive life without one, I wouldn't have wanted to go it alone.

Increasingly, I realize that we aren't just raising children, we are creating a family.  And today I realized something else, I live with a brother and sister...young people who have their own relationship...just them, together.

I didn't go out to the yard.  Hours later, I haven't even asked what they were up to.  It wasn't about me.  It was their moment and I am just so blessed to have caught a glimpse of it.

To my own brother and sister...thanks for it all, and I love you.

Much more fun than my last post.

Yum.

What I learned from Twitter Today...

What if Jesus had been born a girl?

What if...

My Work Here is Done

Today after preschool the three of us went to lunch and then to a neighborhood bakery to pick out cookies for BB to take to class tomorrow.  So many to pick from.  So many.  Eventually, he choose two kinds and we got a dozen of each.  The teacher will probably not enjoy the fact the kids can choose between two decorating styles, but so be it.

In the car afterward, BB began to plan.  He first secured that there were enough cookies for him to try one today.  Then he said, "Mom, are we going to put each cookie in a little bag and tie it with a ribbon and put my friends names on each one?"  While I was delighted that he thought of this very cute idea, the part of me that has been running around getting ready for tomorrow and Sunday, groaned internally--NO!!!---we aren't.  What I said was, "That is a great idea, and sometimes we do that don't we?  I don't think we will tomorrow."  To which he graciously offered, "I'm not sure how to spell anyway...and you don't even know some of their faces."

He also reported back today that his class will be studying Advent all of December.  "The color is blue."

See, my work is done.  What more can I teach him beyond liturgical colors and putting cookies in bags with ribbon for a party?

(They also got the H1N1 shot and we picked up pottery from the local 'paint it yourself' shop.  Tomorrow, some surprises go up and a couple gifts get opened.)

Prepare the Way

Prepare the way, make your paths straight, get ready...

Today, on this first Sunday in Advent, we are preparing for much.  On Wednesday, BB turns four.  Four is much more fun than three.  At least for the party planner in me.  BB actually cares what I am doing.  He has the menu planned, he is excited about the party, he has approved the cake, and he keeps making gift requests that I have no idea where to get.  So that should be fun.  I have a number of surprises for him as well.

I am making a t-shirt with the number four on it.

And I am making a streamer door hanging (idea from GP) that will be all green ribbon...he can swish through it to his heart's content on Wednesday.  Except, I keep forgetting to write down on my list that I need a suspension rod from Target.  Suffered through two trips and forgotten each time.  argh.

Of course there will be a cake.  You (and I) will have to wait to see how these royal icing/oreo cookie boulders get used on said cake.

There will also be cookies.  The number 'four' and I made a few hearts.  I believe they have been ordered in shades of yellow.  Can anyone guess the theme of this year's party?  It is actually amazing that we waited 4 years to get to this theme.

Photos of final results will be posted when projects are completed.  My list is long this week, but it is all pretty fun and it brings me great joy.  Hoping it makes one little boy giggle with glee as well.

Thankful

I made the challenge in my sermon on Sunday for us to actually list what we are thankful for.  It is easy to list off the traditional/assumed list...family, friends, good health, shelter, food, clothes, etc.  Our thanks can be so generic.  I also wonder who most of us are giving thanks to?  In a season where our culture jumped from Halloween to Christmas in a blink of a week, perhaps I am feeling a little protective of Thanksgiving.

There is of course, no real retail incentive for Thanksgiving as a holiday.  It is one day.  We gather.  We eat.  We sit around.  It is over.  Perhaps there is a prayer or a family activity connected to sharing our thoughts and feelings, but mostly it is a day devoid of a common liturgy or larger purpose.

Give thanks?  I think many people can make the list, but then who are we thanking?  For so many people I think they feel they only have themselves to thank for the state of their lives.  Abundance they thank themselves.  Scarcity they blame others, or some circle in on themselves.  Gone is the common thought that in all things we give thanks to God.

I made my list.  On it are the generic things I listed above.  But there are some unique to only me.

~that profound grief has passed, replaced by a new normal...a stage that feels more comfortable with each passing day.
~that energy and clarity have returned to my brain.  Hormones and biochemistry are amazing.
~for friends who listen and understand the craziness of my life without judgment.  Or trying to fix it.
~for my own confidence in speaking up and for finding peace in the times when it is best to remain quiet.
~for the recognition that more 'stuff'--food, clothes, nicknacks and 'pretties'--won't actually make me feel better.  (learning curve still pretty high on this one...)
~for facebook and the connection to friends and family it brings me on a daily basis.
~for the ability to write my thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.  I hope that it becomes more a way of being than a 'day' on the calendar or merely a meal before our shopping trip. :)

And then the second one comes along...

Here is a sampling of things BB never said at 20 months.  Now, yes, for those of you who are sticklers for truth, BB didn't say much of anything at 20 months...let alone complete sentences, but just go with it.

"I want to watch a movie now."
"Turn it on, Mom."  referring to the tv
"I'll do it a 'odder' time."
"Why I have eat that?"
"No nappy time.  'Atter.  'Atter.  BB sleep first."

Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  We are in such flipping trouble I don't even know where to start.  EG has brains, charm and her super cute cheeks on her side right now...man oh man, we are scrambling to keep get her in check.

Now to my credit, she didn't get to watch anything, she just thinks she can.  She sat in front of a dark tv telling me to turn it on, for, oh, about 10 minutes.

I am quite sure that BB's passion and stubbornness and EG's confident persistence will serve both of them very well in adulthood.  I just pray we all get there.

Exerpt from Sermon on Luke 12

We all have enough stuff.  While I am always caution to make wide generalizations like that, but I bet most of us have plenty, at least stuff.  Maybe not the newest, or fanciest, but plenty.  Considering that someone making $20,000 a year in the US is among the 11% wealthiest population in the world.  We have plenty.  (according to the Global Rich list)

And yet, we keep building new barns.  Everywhere we turn we are bombarded with the temptation to put things before God and before others.  It is a never ending cycle.  Once we have all the things that we want, we must be willing to protect those things.  We build bigger barns, move to a larger house, buy more insurance, and put up higher fences and louder security systems.  We cannot leave our things any longer to visit other places or cultures to broaden our perspectives about life.  We must find ways to guard our property.  We become prisoners of our possessions.  (And for those of us with no possessions, on top of the struggle of life it is the struggle to not be overcome by jealously and rage at those who have—and again stuff drives us away from neighbor and God.)

I know, I know this is the type of sermon where some of you are muttering to yourselves.  I don’t need to hear this.  Rather, I don’t want to hear this.  But there is it…there really isn’t a way to sugar coat what Jesus is telling us today.

We ask ourselves, “How can we balance providing for our needs, real needs, and the desire to accumulate goods, money, and status?  We don’t like this topic…but especially given the consumerism surrounding us right now…silence isn’t going to make it better.  God’s demand isn’t going away.   Uncomfortable as it may be, you and I, God’s people must find some way to speak up.  But for what?  The jobs of the people depending on good sales this holiday season?  The business owners who need an income?  Or do we call out against consumerism and people’s desire to buy, buy, buy?

It is a treacherous world we followers of Christ are called to live in.

And so, what shall we do?  How shall we find ‘true life’ amongst our ‘stuff’?

The answers and the arguments reach beyond the limits of a one sided sermon but let’s start here.

Let’s start by giving thanks.  By at least acknowledging our barns are full up.  And remembering that it is God that provided.  By at least stopping in the next week to list what God has done for us. In detail.  So that we are humbled by the excess and lavish grace bestowed upon us.   The clothes on our back, the food in our stomach, the water we drink, the places we find shelter, the tasks and jobs we get to do, the income we use to provide for those around us, the gadgets and entertainment that delight and amuse us, the conversations that challenge us, the conveniences that ease our body, the healthcare and medicine that expands our life, the sound of a friends voice and the listening ear of one who cares, the art and poetry and music that fills our lives, by the quiet of rain and chirp of birds, the miracle of love and forgiveness, the wonder of creation…our lists go on and on…  Our barns are full up.  Give thanks.

May our prayer be that the sheer weight of gratitude presses in upon us so heavily that our only response is to let it burst forth from us. 

The Trouble with being Honest

I am having trouble writing a sermon that doesn't just rail upon American consumerism and yet takes this parable seriously.  It is just so much fun to point out sin.  (mine included)  This is the text (verss Christ the King lectionary text) due to a Thankoffering given by the Women of the ELCA--so the obvious direction is to go with thanksgiving.  God isn't looking for us to build larger barns, God would like us to say, "thank you."

Anyone with any ideas?  You have until 6am Sunday. 

Luke 12:13-21

The Parable of the Rich Fool

13 Someone in the crowd said to him, ‘Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me.’ ¹⁴But he said to him, ‘Friend, who set me to be a judge or arbitrator over you?’ ¹⁵And he said to them, ‘Take care! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of possessions.’ ¹⁶Then he told them a parable: ‘The land of a rich man produced abundantly. ¹⁷And he thought to himself, “What should I do, for I have no place to store my crops?” ¹⁸Then he said, “I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. ¹⁹And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.” ²⁰But God said to him, “You fool! This very night your life is being demanded of you. And the things you have prepared, whose will they be?” ²¹So it is with those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich towards God.’

Just Give Me Something to Eat

This might just be the rotten mood* that I am in, or my stage in life, or my generation, or my personality, or the books that I am reading...but increasingly, I just want a congregation that will feed me. I want to gather and be fed for service outside the congregation. I want a harbor in the storm. I want my time within my congregation to feel distinctively different than my life outside of it.

But for me, it seems congregational life just creates more work . More of the same concerns I have in other arenas. More meetings and circular conversations. More gossip and idle chitchat. More 'to do' lists that seem pointless.  More "stuff" for me to feel like I am inadequately completing.

There is already so much that I don't do in a day...and my congregation just adds things to that list, with the added perk of spiritual guilt.

For the record, I know many of these parties, celebrations, studies, service projects, etc. are very important to others. I get it. I even value it and uphold it. I know they serve a very important role in many people's lives.

Just not mine.

I don't care if our silverware doesn't match in the kitchen, I don't think the annual seasonal brunch is that vital to missional work of serving Christ, I don't want to bake things for another event...

Now it may just be that I want to yell, "I don't want to." at the top of my lungs.

Or it may be that we need to have a huge garage sale on our congregational practices and sell a bunch of parties, goals, priorities, events and expectations. Because they just don't get the actual job done. The work is out there. (picture me pointing out the doors of a traditional church building.)

God needs us to be Jesus, on the streets, in our car, with the clerks and servers, with our kids and family...out there. (my hands are now on my hips.)

I need my congregation to give me some food so I can do this. I'm hungry and baking more %$#@#@ cookies for a bake sale isn't going to fill me up.  Trust me, I am full up on carbs and empty calories.


*I have a cold.  I have a sermon to preach on Luke 12:13-21.  I have kids that are under the weather.

Not a Clue

I was cleaning out some files and came across this quote.  I haven't a clue as to who said it first...



Listen, I'm just a guy with a bad haircut from a small church you've never heard of, but I hope you'll listen to me for a moment because I have something important to say. When it comes to God, religion, spirituality, whatever you want to call it, ignore just about everything you see on television or in movies. If you are serious about making a spiritual connection with a power greater than ourselves, try the following suggestions:

• Let go of big things and embrace little things.
• Ignore loud things and listen for quiet things.
• Put aside obvious things and seek out hidden things.
• Forget easy things and learn hard and ancient things.
• Stop saving your life and start losing it.
• Let your thinking and believing become doing and serving.
• Quit trying to arrive and become at home on the journey.
• Lose your road maps and find a wise guide to walk with you.

Love the idea of God with all your heart, soul, mind, body, life, work, and strength. And while you're at it, try loving other people as much as you love yourself. You won't be able to do either of these, but trying will be very good for you.
Do these things all of your days and forever. Do these things

Restless Nights

The conversation I wrote about in my last post is still on my mind.  Constantly.  Then I began to wonder why I care so much.  Then my thoughts surrounding why I would care so much began to keep me up at night.

Now I am tired.  For many reasons.  But I am in hot pursuit of a Monday where we all have clean underwear and plates in the cabinets rather than stacked on the counter tops.

Strawmen

It is always good to be challenged.  Once, a long time ago, a woman I admired said that she always tries to be pushed to be more open, liberal, accepting of questions.  I took that to heart.  My parents also spent my teenage years trying to get their first born, traditionally minded daughter to see beyond her black and white parameters.  Perparing me for the gray that would surely cloud my vision.

Last night, I led a discussion on the nature of Jesus.  It was a pretty broad, scratch-the-surface conversation that started at the request of someone who read the book The Jesus Dynasty.  I haven't read the book and it isn't overly important to the conversation.  Except that it completely changed how this young person things about Jesus.  So I guess it is a little important.  The book would fall into the area of archeology and the search for the historical Jesus.

Knowing that the whole group would never read the book, I broadened the topic to Jesus' nature.  Billing the conversation as, Who do you say that I am?  I gave a brief introduction, saying how I wanted actual conversation, I hoped that when I spoke they wouldn't hear it as "the" answer or that they "had" to agree with me, etc.  Then I asked the question, Who do you say that Jesus is?

I said, that he was the one that brings me back from the dead and the one who assures me that God is for me and on my side.  (Incarnation and Resurrection)  I have a fairly 'high' view of Jesus Divinity.  (apparently.)

The next person to speak said, "Well, I think Jesus was a prophet.  I'm come to believe he was the best prophet but I don't think he was God."

My little, open minded, liberal, question embracing heart, stopped.  Just a little.  But it did.  Internally, I panicked.  While I believe as a pastor my job isn't to force people into faith or encourage everyone to see things just as I see them, for just a moment I felt like I had failed this person.  That I was getting a failed grade on my pastor test.  Part of me wanted to say a whole lot of words to get them to see Jesus from my viewpoint.  I wanted to argue and push and pick at the flaws in this thinking.

And all of a sudden, I really wished I hadn't given my "open minded, embrace the questions" introduction.  I hate having to live up to my own expectations.

So, I nodded and sat back.  and listened.

(I am going to leave this post here...a work in progress.)

Juggling

Books I am currently reading...will report on as requested.

What time?!

We had a fantastic Halloween...couldn't have been better.  Food, friends, candy, my favorite sugar cookies in the whole wide world.   But after a few hours of fun, EG was buzzing so badly that it was obvious we needed to be heading home.  Or at least strap her into something secure where she couldn't hurt herself or others. 

And, I was tired.  The day was done for us.  I felt good.  I felt like we had accomplished a lot.  I felt like we were grownups with friends and kids.  I felt connected to my place.  Then I looked at the clock when we got in to the car.  We were leaving our friend's house at 8:30pm.  Which, given the falling back, was really 7:30pm.
"Perhaps, I'm not as cool as I think I am." ran through my mind.

My min-van driving state of lame-ness was only reinforced when I heard how my parents and their friends spent halloween.  After passing out candy and eating dinner at a popular restaurant, they left a hip and trendy Uptown bowling alley at Midnight.  Then they went back to a friend's house for dessert and coffee.  My mom went to bed at 3:00am.

8:30pm.
3:00am.

Perhaps, life does get better with age.

My Kind Of Day

 

 

 Cookies for friends and neighbors.

I got the recipes from this site... inchmark.

 

Come December I will have been a mother for four years.  BB and I made invitations today.  It is a construction cone, not a candy corn (given the season I understand the mistake.)

I wish you days full of your greatest joys.

If Facebook Was Working...

these would have been my updates for the week.

got her newsletter article in with time to spare AND had actual activities planned.
(but just realized she missed the Sunday bulletin deadline.  Sigh. The secretary can't figure out to put things in from week to week without explicit direction.)

is really wondering why she needed to be at that meeting.

would like to start a fire under some people's bottoms.

enjoyed the museum field trip, but it made for a really chaotic day.

was so thankful for the final (?) fall picnic.  (really needs to cut back on trips to Panera.)

scheduling with cars require more communication with husband.  New tires will be nice.

enjoying a free morning to cook a meal for a family from church and their new baby.

took a trip to the children's museum on a rainy day.  Chipotle and free play...all good things.

not sure I want to tackle the turtle costume.  Kids keep waffling on what they want to be...some of their ideas are easier on me than others.

Whoa, Nellie...need to get a plan on for November and December.

I can't make this stuff up.

BB is following his sister around the playroom.  I am in the computer room and I can only hear what is going on.  I hear toys being tossed and moved around and EG chatting a little.  Then out of the blue, BB begins to ask EG, "What you thinking about God?"  (sentence goes up at the end and he is using his "teacher" voice.)  He continues to follow her around asking this question.  Over and over.  I don't hear her responding.  (Geez, when did my brother go to evangelism school?)

Then BB changes tactics.  "Want to praise him?" (really high voice, still an up talker)  He asks this a few times and then says, "Want to thank him for all those things we think about..."

"Are you thinking about giving him cookies?"

For the first time I hear her enter the conversation.  "Yes.  God give cookies."

"Where did I go?"

My husband's great aunt died on Friday morning.  She was 95 years old and is best remembered by me for these three things.
1. Hosting the most delightful lunch I've ever been to...
2. while serving the worst food ever.
3. Being a prolific letter writer.  She set the bar high.

She lived most of her life with her mother, my husband's Great Grandma Christine.  At this point I can not remember what she did for a profession but I believe she styled hair.  In her later years she moved back to her hometown but before she moved we visited her in the home my husband remembers visiting as a child.

As I said, it was the most delightful of visits.  She possessed an energy, humor and just a glimmer of mischief that is so rare in my husband's gene pool that any amount is gift rather than vice. At one point during our visit she talked about how she kept her mind sharp (she was about 86 when this took place) and demonstrated a "game" she played with herself.

Out of the blue she said to me, "Where did I go?"  ("ah, what do I do with this?" I wondered, trying keep up...my husband had no clue what was up so he was clearly no help.)
"I'm not sure...where are you?"  I offer, (probably using my voice reserved for my parishioners who are on the third go around of the same story.)
"He, he...it is kind of like 'I spy'.  I pretend that I pop into a photo or drawing and wander around thinking about what is happening.  I'm having fun where I am , so guess, where am I?"
"I don't know."
"He, he up there above your head.  Ooops, now I've popped over to that one."

Seriously, this is how it went.  I loved it. She was absolutely delightful.  (and, well, let's be honest, the woman couldn't cook, it really was the worst meal ever.  When I said this to my husband, he replied, "Were you there for that burnt Cornish hen thing?  Yep, that was me, although mine was raw.)

For the next nine years she would be our most reliable source for handwritten letters.  Long, detailed letters about what she was up to--church choir, hair styling at the nursing home, misc. church woman's events, travel to see her younger siblings...on and on.  She remembered our birthdays, she wrote in response to our letters, she sent out Christmas cards and gifts, she sent birth cards and gifts...and then about three years ago the letters began to repeat themselves.  Then about a year ago, they stopped all together.

I had meant to write her time and time again in the last year (although I heard that the mail confused her more than helped and added to her list of people to respond to.)  I thought of her often.

She was a delightful addition to my extended family and I will miss her.  Thankfully, we have shoeboxes full of letters.