Say it ain't so

Today I put up some of the fall decorations. In my search, I was looking for a pumpkin project that we made at Mops last year. While I don't usually keep the crafts from Mops, I liked this one and figured I had kept it.

It was made from a fall fabric fat quilting square, a roll of toilet paper, and a dowel or thick stick. You wrap the quilt square up on the tp roll, sticking the ends into the top hole. Then you place the dowel or stick in the top for the stem. Easy. Cute. I could not find mine.


Ours were actually cuter than these.

Here is my fear.

As I was searching through my seasonal shelves, this thought came to me..."I wonder if we ran out of tp and I just decided to use this roll."

Good-NESS. Where would that thought come from if some part of it wasn't true? Had it really come to this? Tell me that I wasn't this bad off? Mining the fall craft decor for basic human essentials. I was potty training BB this time last year...EG was 7 months old. I can't rule out much, can I?

The other option is, of course, that my husband took it to The Goodwill. I don't think so. Nothing on my shelves has ever disappeared without my permission and knowledge.

I fear what has become of this pumpkin. I really hope for all our sake's that I find it.

The alternative is just too sad.

From a chapter on Sin and Children

From Faith's Wisdom for Daily Living by Herbert Anderson and Bonnie Miller-McLemore
pg.42-43

...saying that children are sinful does not inevitably lead to their punishment, even if this is how some Christians have mistakenly interpreted the tradition. Seeing children as fragile moral and spiritual creatures can also potentially enhance adult empathy and accountability. Adults can no longer discount children and their obligations to them by surrounding themselves with picture of cuddly, unblemished, blissful infants. Instead, adults must take the labor of protecting and raising children a great deal more seriously.

...Equally crucial, human error and imperfection is endemic to good parenting. Care of children asks much of us, and there is plenty of failure. What parent hasn't yelled rather than understood, flailed rather than sustained patience, forced rather than invited, and stumbled along in all the other ways adults infringe on the full personhood of a child and damage right relationship with children? Acknowledging this helps discourage the perpetual cultural myth of the perfect parent. The prevalent push in psychology to figure out why children turn out the way they do is paralleled by an obsession in self-help literature and talk shows to perfect children and parenting.

Recognizing the utter reality of sin and failure just might help avert this prominent temptation and renew appreciation of the value of time-tested religious practices of self examination, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation and hope as absolutely essential to family life.

Failures are not occasions for despair or unrelenting guilt, shame and punishment. They instead are cause for deeper awakening, remorse, reparation, compassion and formation. Recognizing sin in children and adults allows us to quit pursuing perfection of children or parenting and more readily accept our shortcomings and pursue amends and grace.

Grateful

+for friends from all the times in my life. Via the wonder of FB, I am connected with nearly everyone who had a real hand in shaping my life today. Decades later, I am thankful for them and proud of who they have become.
+cooler weather. SWEATERS!!
+EG and BB played together for nearly an hour yesterday without need for a referee or bandages.
+green apples
+the ability to drive through starbucks.
+gifts to share the gospel
+a faith in grace and unconditional love
+my husband
+a home that I don't actually want to leave
+the freedom and resources/support to leave town for three days
+improved health and reemerging muscles.
+television shows on the internet
+fall colors
+a full calendar

A Sampling

+bought jeans today that completely fit the "mom jean" description.
+was compared to Sally Field (who is totally gorgeous, but is 63 years old.)
+BB would like to marry EG. "You and Daddy are married, so I will marry EG." Will explain how that won't work later.
+I am, once again, trying to limit my carb intake. It was suggested by my endocrinologist that the Atkins diet works well for hypothyroidism.
+our car smells like rotten milk. EG spilled vanilla milk all over herself and I think it is soaked into the car seat. The people who make car seat covers have never had children. Or at least their children are neat. EG's carseat requires a screwdriver to get the cover off. How dumb is that?
+I am becoming overwhelmed by holiday plans. Most just expectations for myself. Home decorating, homemade gifts, cards, etc. But the actual details of where, what, who are sneaking in as well.
+amazed at how hard it is to intentionally have a plan each day and make choices that end up with a productive result. I am so not a self motivated person. I need a boss.
+"have" to compete in a bake-off at Mops. Don't really want to.
+got up late today. Such a bad idea.
+am thoroughly disappointed in my tv shows as they debute...anyone else? Or was I just more in need of escape last season so I'd watch anything?

Remaining Bendy

Most of the reason I joined the gym (again) was for the yoga. They offer it at an hour I can get to. I was also pleased that my favorite instructor is back teaching. This morning she asked if I was new to yoga and I said 'No, I use to take a class with you..." then it hit me. Two years ago. To a part of me it was just a month or so ago. To the other parts, the more ligament, muscle and fat cell parts of me, the two year gap was obvious.

Oh, wow, was I one stiff kid. I've been walking/running/stair mastering for a few weeks now...muscle is starting to grow. But I haven't stretched as well as I could/should be...something just as vital to the growth and health of my body as cardiovascular health and fat burning.

Last week, I joined my congregation in realizing how stiff our spiritual practices can become as well. We can go through the motions over and over, even gather some holy encounters with God and community along the way, but it is only when we have to stretch ourselves that we realize how stuck we had become.

The praise band had the idea to create a backwards worship service to coincide with the text Mark 9:30-37. The first shall be last and the last shall be first.

I'm ok with worshiping in new ways. I even like more tactile experiences in worship. Which is where I will make the case for 'higher' church worship, verses less liturgical styles, but that is a digression from this entry. This said, I was less than excited about this idea.

First, I didn't think it fit the actual text very well. I still think this idea would be best suited to a text or a sermon about uncertainty, remaining open to the Holy Spirit...but it worked and others could tweak the service more to make it an even better experience.

Second, I have very little authority or investment in worship planning at this congregation. Nor do I have influence over much beyond my small group ministry, so any congregation-wide education or deepening of discussion wasn't up to me.

All that said, it was a fun morning and people liked it. Ok, they liked it once they had gone through it.

If you think over worship in reverse, communion comes *boom* right away. I reversed the liturgy in blocks rather that individual phrases. Once we got to communion we still started it with the Great Thanksgiving...I wasn't going to consecrate empty plates or distribute bread and wine before we had prayed over it, etc. As distribution was taking place all you could hear was a dull hum and clucking of very confused people. It was almost comical, although at this point I felt the weight of worship leadership upon me. It was my sole job to keep this service as meaningful as possible. I was keenly aware of people's piety and the fact it could seem that we were just "goofing around" with the sacraments.

As I cleared up the altar and after the blessings I think I said something to the effect of "This meal of forgiveness is for you, no matter when you receive it." An off the cuff attempt to ease people's anxiety.

As I sat down in the front pew for a song, I could hear the murmur of a usually quiet and respectful group. The concrete walls didn't help. One comment floated up above the rest, "Well, they are going to have to explain this in the sermon." If people were quiet their anxiety came out in movement. Everyone, except the kids I might add because the adults were now making them look downright catatonic, everyone, was wiggling in their seats. Or crossing their legs. Or picking their nails. Or drumming on the pew.

The rest of the service went well enough. By the time the sermon rolled around they were more at ease, and after what was going on was 'named' for them, the mood was palpably lighter.

In the end, people came away with an appreciation for how often we just go through the motions of liturgy...let alone life. While no one, except the crazy band who started it, wants to do it again, everyone realized stretching won't kill you. It might even make you stronger.

Just Stay

My sister has been in town. This story best sums up how much fun we have had with her around.

This morning she learned that some pipes at her house burst and destroyed their recently redone basement. You can imagine the phone calls between her husband as they sort through the mess.

BB listened to all the calls and conversations with his usual interest and attention to detail.

As we drove home from lunch later in the day, he was quiet. Out of the quiet he said, with the sweetest purity, "Say, Aunt Hil, if your house is really broken...you know you could always just stay here with us."

And both my sister and I teared up.

There is going to be some serious love withdrawal around here tonight.

Introverts. Why can't you be more like me?

Dear 'I's of the world.
You drive me a bit batty.

Your silence and quiet thought fuels every insecurity I have. I know enough about you to know you'd rather be at home alone. But here you are with me and I don't know what to do with you.

I thought I was over this personality insecuirty. And I was, but your silence creates too much noise in my head and you wear me down. I thought I was ready for it tonight.

Not so much.

What the extrovert is thinking while the introvert is silent at dinner: (Mind you the words are being spoken out loud while the extrovert is thinking these thoughts..)

"Are you racking your brain trying to think of something to say? Do you have nothing to say? You hate me right? What I just said drove you further into thought, and now I'll never get you back. Am I talking too much? Are you content to have me carry the conversation or do you enjoy the silence? Ask a question, any question. Have you even come up with what you want? What all is going on in your head--share some of the fun. Come on, give me something."

Ok, I had to get that out of my system...after all I'm an ENFJ.

Sleep Isn't Worth it.

For the last two weeks I have been trying to get up and go to the gym. I have actually done it the majority of the days. Today, my husband had to be at a meeting early so it seemed helpful for me to stay home so he could get ready without the kids needing things. I also fell in to old habits last night and felt like an extra hour of sleep would help.

Wrong.

I need the adrenaline. I need to coffee I pick up on the way home. I need the feeling of accomplishment.
Tuesday morning went like this:
5am-up and in car to gym
worked out (did you know 100s of people are up and lifting weights at this hour? crazy.)
6:30am on my way home with coffee.
Then shower, feed, laundry, dress, clean up kitchen, check email, organize errands.
8:20 in car to school
8:30 on way to office
9:00 working on bulletin board
9:30 at mom's group (a half hour late, but that's another story)

Productive, right?

Today:
Slept until 7am.
Baseball hat on head, "hurry, hurry, hurry, kids!" Had to push BB much faster than he likes. He's frustrated. EG destroyed a wood block creation he made...then hit him with a block. He's upset. (rightfully so) "Hurry, hurry, hurry, no time to ponder how to fix broken creation. MOVE!" Wants shoes with socks. So behind that socks put me over the edge..."NO, SOCKS." "Mom?" "Fine. Get the socks."
He puts on socks. I spray his Dennis the Menace hair with water and brush. He freaks out because I got water on his legs (can we say power trip?) I then swoop in with my evil plan to rid his face of crusty yogurt. More screaming. Get the screams under control. Shoes on. Then I notice he has snot coming across his face after said crying. He goes to wipe it on shirt. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" (why do I actually care?) "We don't wipe snot on our clothes." More crying. More crying.

8:20 in car to school.
8:22 in school parking lot. Shake off dance is invented. I tell BB that he and I will do this dance and start the morning over. We both wiggle and shake our heads. Giggle. Hugs.

Must. get. up. Not. an. option. The next hour of sleep was in no way worth it.

Backwards...

This Sunday the congregation where I serve is worshiping in reverse...or backwards...or the last piece of the liturgy is coming first. However you phrase it, it will be different for the congregation. I thought I'd share one piece of the service. Credit for some of it goes to my friend Jennie. Thank you as always.

This piece will be at the very end. I have an odd distain for litanies but this is how things are done so I didn't rock the boat too much. (just turned it around another direction)

Call to Worship

P: Worship today had a new order. For some of us it added to the excitement of the worship service, we enjoyed experiencing worship in a new way…

C: for others it was odd, confusing and at times frustrating.

P: We are each creatures of habit after all. We like things to turn out the way we think they should.

C: We like people to behave the way we think they should.

P: Jesus reminds us today, that if we are bothered by things like the offering coming after communion, or the announcements coming at the end of worship…

C: the Kingdom of God is really going to shake us up.

P: Jesus reminds us,

C: Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all. We are called to welcome the least, embrace the lost and serve the one we'd least expect to.

P: Greatness isn’t found by getting the order right, or by being perfect, or finding all the answers

C: Our greatness is measured by how we love each other. By how we serve each other.

P: And, that my friends, never has a clear order…it can be odd, confusing and at times frustrating

C: But it is what God has called us to do…welcome the unknown, embrace the stranger and through the chaos, we will be drawn closer to God.

The Summer that Was

While still not officially fall, the schedule has moved on. Gone are the lazy days of parks and late bedtimes. It was our best summer yet as a family. I conquered my 'summer-no-schedule-angst.' It helped that the kids where old enough to walk, talk and feed themselves. So, a review is in order.

Trips to a local pool.

We visited a nearby children's museum a few times. Enjoying a much appreciate Chipotle burrito as well.

Mornings at the park...we even tried a few new ones.

Blogs.

My husband showed up for a brief stint on the church softball team and we enjoyed the social time afterward.

Facebook.

We celebrated 4th of July by decorating our bikes and riding around a friend's neighborhood. We watched fireworks together out of the back of our car.

A trip to MI was a welcome change of pace. It even turned out to be fun.

Naps.

We spend a weekend with family in IA.

Books.

I wrote notes and connected with people.

All five of us headed to MN for some time:
celebrating my 37th birthday with those dearest to me
racing turtles
playing in the sand
gathering up mementos
snooping around run down houses
walking The Point
remembering why I get so homesick some days

The kids and I enjoyed lunches at various local restaurants.

We prepared for preschool.

I fiddled with medications and doctors.

On to fall..while we did summer well, it is good to be back.

Being Our Best

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Thanks to the one who pointed me to this blog entry.

and he's off...

That's my first baby. You can't see his face so his cover isn't blown. He was far more confident about the whole event than his picture shows. It is only preschool after all.

But still it is preschool...the start of 16 years of organized education. Something about it is a bit sad. Not the part that he is growing up, that has always been something I expected him to do. Frankly, I am more sad on the days I fear he may never grow up.

No, sad in a more, philosophical way.

Really, he has to learn to line up a certain way and sit still. So soon?
Really, it is time to follow random and arbitrary rules. Sigh.
Really, you have to navigate the opinion and style of your teachers? Already?
Really, he needs to learn that word and learn about what tv show? Come, on.
Really, he has learn that spaceships don't land on barns and cows don't sleep in beds. Why?

The rebel in his mother, the good girl* who stood in line and rose her hand and worked very hard not to attract too much attention to herself, she isn't ready for the world to shape him. She isn't sure standing in line just like everyone else is always the best guiding principle of life. She isn't sure sitting still is a necessary life lesson. She isn't sure...about so many things.

All of this philosophical musing is fine right up until I ask him to do something...then I'm pretty sure what the response should be.

*good girl minus one incident in Kindergarden when I slugged a kid who stepped on my shoes. You know how annoying it is when that happens. And it was hot. His glasses came off but he was fine. Completely fine.

it starts here

Being a homemaker was never on my list of things to do. Trust me I made lists. I kept them. I've checked them over. It is never listed. Not. Once.

But you either have to accept reality or re-frame it. Here is a nice re-framing...

I can do nothing about the state of the world, except work on the parts of it I directly touch. As someone who would really rather be out slaying the big dragons of "the world," finding purpose in the smallest parts of life is a spiritual exercise.

Today we...
ate cinnamon crunch bagels with strawberries for breakfast
went for a hike with 4 other families
rearranged our yard
made cookies
watched Sunshine Cleaning
ironed clothes for the first day of Sunday School
wrote my grandmother
played on the computer

We each did our best to be the best to each other we could be.

Doing a New Thing #2

Last night my husband came home with flowers. And, a gym membership.

We had agreed to the gym membership but in a phone conversation I jokingly acted hurt by his "gift" membership to a place which pretty much screams guilt and "letting oneself go" every time I drive by it. (on the way to get coffee, shop or buy a pretzel-any number of directions this Fall Change program could take)

Thus the flowers. The gesture added humor, care and love to this next step of "Doing a New Thing." It represented a whole lot more in terms of our relationship as well. Needless to say, we are both branching out in new directions.

Today, I was awake at 5:30am. I am always awaken at 5:30am to take my thyroid meds, but today I actually got out of bed. I got dressed. I got in the car and drove alone in blissful silence to a yoga class.

It was a good morning. Right now I need to return to making it a good day...a bit trickier because of the cast of characters.

First up on the list of whines I had to either ignore or address:

Going to the bathroom. BB has been alseep for 12 hours--still will not go to the bathroom. He will writhe in pain at the table, but will not go.

Once he decides he needs to go...usually two bites into breakfast (which he also didn't want to eat) he doesn't want to wash his hands.

Once he loses that battle, he moves on to the things he doesn't want to do today.
First up, get his haircut from a woman named Emily. His usual hairstylist is on vacation. I can not bring her back just for him. I am amazing, but I can not drag her off a mountain in Colorado.

Tomorrow is the first day of MOPS. That will be #3 on my list of Do a New Thing. More later...

Doing a New Thing #1

It is 9:41pm where I live. I have much more work to do. In fact I am in the middle of a project. But, I need to stop a vicious cycle that has started over the summer.

If I stay up late, I get up late. The early morning hours are the only ones that I have to myself. Thus, I must break this cycle in order to move on to New Start-try #2. (wait for it)

So, while I have much I could stay up doing. It will be there tomorrow.

Good Night.