Some friends and I started a Bible study group. It was born out of appetizers, drinks, dessert and lament over the direction-lacking mom's groups we have attended. We wanted our own. One where it was ok to love the Lord and enjoy a drink or two. One where didn't have to take an oath to respect our husband any more than we do ourselves or our friends. A place where we could talk about something other than our kids. And a group that, you know, actually reads the material in anticipation of the class.
Perhaps what makes this the most fun is that we choose a Beth Moore Bible study as our first book. One of us "just had to get it our of her system." And, the Lutheran version of Beth Moore needs to get crackin' on her lecture series, so there really isn't much out there for Lutheran women. We choose a study on Esther. Here is a link to the book from amazon.com.
I have been warned by a number of colleagues that Beth Moore will drive me nuts. After one session, I can't say that this is true. People forget that over the past four years I have been well versed in all things woman-mom-baptist-conservative. Not much is going to shock me anymore. And by the grace of God and the fierce winds of the Holy Spirit I have even come to appreciate some of what my more conservative sisters are up to.
(yes, you have the correct blog.)
My first impressions of Beth Moore's series and style:
She is well spoken. Very engaging. But not sickeningly sweet. She's sweet, don't get me wrong but with more authority than I expected.
She doesn't gloss over or simplify her topic. She didn't dumb much down in the introduction.
She's funny.
She didn't offend me.
It was also obvious that mainline-moderate Christians were not her target audience. I got pretty bored while she presented her defense of why Christians should study the book of Esther. She felt she had to overcome two obstacles--the fact God isn't mentioned by name and that it is about a woman.
Beth--may I call you Beth?--took great care in laying out why we should study this book. She drew in the idea of 'providence' to point to God's presence in the book*. She took a great amount of time to go over the power and purpose of providence. Again, losing me. Not because I couldn't keep up, but because I place as much priority to the (Calvinism) theological emphasis on God's providence as I do to the idea of purgatory.
It was also obvious she was working with the presumption that some of her audience needed permission to listen to a woman teach them about God. She took (too) great pains to quote and highlight outside sources. Clearly the woman knows her stuff. She could have easily taught us without the constant references to Biblical dictionaries and commentaries. While she didn't say it, I got the feeling it was done so that Pastors and church leaders wouldn't complain or comment on her exercising authority and knowledge.
It was a long introduction that was short on the actual book's history.
While I remain open minded and even hopeful I will learn and grow from the series....I was left wondering just how Tough (Being a Woman) this might get.
*My Bible's introduction says this "Coincidences (or possibly providence) combine with human initiative to bring about a resolution in which good triumphs over evil." The Harper Collins Study Bible NRSV
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
May 27
My last entry was about a life long friend. Today I gave thanks for those friends who live close, those you see on a daily-sometimes hourly-basis. The ones you can call for no reason and hang up on in a hurry. The ones that take your kids with a smile and willing spirit. The ones who feel free to call upon me for help and assistance. And, the ones who answer when you have a bit of a crisis....
For instance...when your car battery dies in a mall parking lot. Dies, dead as dead can be, 20 mins before you need to pick up for son from his last day of preschool for the year. Friends who drive you...
to your son at school
drive you all to lunch
then to your house to get jumper cables...only to realize you don't have the garage door opener (it is in your car)
so she drives you back to the car at the mall to get the garage door opener,
then back to your house
then back to the car at the mall
where you jump the battery--which both of you knew was dead as dead could be, but three men had told me to jump it anyway. (lesson learned, if I *know* something--just follow through on my own idea)
and then she waits with me for the tow truck to come. (and another man tries to jump start the battery--seriously, guys--accept defeat. Dead is dead.)
then she takes you home.
Never making you feel like she was burdened in anyway...which of course it was. Driving around the same loop of a suburb from 11:00am to 3:00pm was not how she planned, or needed, to spend her day.
It isn't just that she answers my calls...it isn't just that she lives near me. If I'm thankful for nothing else about life here in this town, I am thankful to know her. Thankful to know such a person exists in the world. It is always a blessing to stumble upon a kindred spirit. I am grateful for her and her graceful poise, humor, creativity, dedication and friendship...although, I may have used up my automotive cards for the year.
For instance...when your car battery dies in a mall parking lot. Dies, dead as dead can be, 20 mins before you need to pick up for son from his last day of preschool for the year. Friends who drive you...
to your son at school
drive you all to lunch
then to your house to get jumper cables...only to realize you don't have the garage door opener (it is in your car)
so she drives you back to the car at the mall to get the garage door opener,
then back to your house
then back to the car at the mall
where you jump the battery--which both of you knew was dead as dead could be, but three men had told me to jump it anyway. (lesson learned, if I *know* something--just follow through on my own idea)
and then she waits with me for the tow truck to come. (and another man tries to jump start the battery--seriously, guys--accept defeat. Dead is dead.)
then she takes you home.
Never making you feel like she was burdened in anyway...which of course it was. Driving around the same loop of a suburb from 11:00am to 3:00pm was not how she planned, or needed, to spend her day.
It isn't just that she answers my calls...it isn't just that she lives near me. If I'm thankful for nothing else about life here in this town, I am thankful to know her. Thankful to know such a person exists in the world. It is always a blessing to stumble upon a kindred spirit. I am grateful for her and her graceful poise, humor, creativity, dedication and friendship...although, I may have used up my automotive cards for the year.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
May 26
They sat across from each other sipping their coffee. With a natural rhythm of people who have done this before, their forks traded off cutting through the vanilla cheesecake. No one around them could have guessed what they were talking about. They found it surreal and unnatural.
They were friends who had guided each other through grade school recess. Each had stories to tell on the other of awkward adolescent dating rituals. Each had disappointed the other. They had both forgotten the disappointment. They had been together on their most important days. Often in body, always in spirit. They were a constant in the others life, yet they barely contacted each one another.
Weeks, months go by and neither would call or write. But when they sat across from each other over coffee and cheesecake, they could talk with an honestly and intimacy known only to the very rarest of friends. The essence of the conversation on this day went like this:
One said, "You know, I need to say this. I'm sorry I wasn't around to support you more when you had EG. I was jealous. We had been trying to have our second. I would have loved a little girl. It was just too hard for me. I know you understand."
The other said. "I knew that. And, things were bad for me....for us."
One said, "I knew that."
The other said, "I was jealous of you, too. I didn't know what to do or how to help. But I was jealous. How horrible is that? How absolutely wrenched is that?"
One said. "I know. You were there. I get it though."
The other said. "You know I love you."
One said, "Yep. I love you, too."
And they ate their cheesecake.
It is almost as if the rawness of their love and care for each other needs to be spaced out. They poke each other on facebook and write sentences back and forth. They have no idea what each other is doing on any given day. If you were only to look upon this exchange you'd never know they can bare their souls to each other. But they can. They do. They have. They will always.
*On May 26th my friend married a boy she met in college. She loved him. He loved her. They have a darling son. They would have been married nine years, today. She is on my heart.
They were friends who had guided each other through grade school recess. Each had stories to tell on the other of awkward adolescent dating rituals. Each had disappointed the other. They had both forgotten the disappointment. They had been together on their most important days. Often in body, always in spirit. They were a constant in the others life, yet they barely contacted each one another.
Weeks, months go by and neither would call or write. But when they sat across from each other over coffee and cheesecake, they could talk with an honestly and intimacy known only to the very rarest of friends. The essence of the conversation on this day went like this:
One said, "You know, I need to say this. I'm sorry I wasn't around to support you more when you had EG. I was jealous. We had been trying to have our second. I would have loved a little girl. It was just too hard for me. I know you understand."
The other said. "I knew that. And, things were bad for me....for us."
One said, "I knew that."
The other said, "I was jealous of you, too. I didn't know what to do or how to help. But I was jealous. How horrible is that? How absolutely wrenched is that?"
One said. "I know. You were there. I get it though."
The other said. "You know I love you."
One said, "Yep. I love you, too."
And they ate their cheesecake.
It is almost as if the rawness of their love and care for each other needs to be spaced out. They poke each other on facebook and write sentences back and forth. They have no idea what each other is doing on any given day. If you were only to look upon this exchange you'd never know they can bare their souls to each other. But they can. They do. They have. They will always.
*On May 26th my friend married a boy she met in college. She loved him. He loved her. They have a darling son. They would have been married nine years, today. She is on my heart.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Things they said
As you can probably tell, some of these entries are for the grandparents. I don't suspect random strangers or even friends find that everything my kids say is hilarious, or even cute. I also use this space as a place to keep the memories and random sayings of any given moment. With that said, here are some more:
+When EG cries--for whatever reason--as parents we naturally mutter some version of -- meant to be--soothing "shhh, shhh." We say it to calm her, we saying without thinking. Lately, she responds by stopping the crying and looking up at us to say, "No, I just want to cry. Let me cry." She returns to crying.
We start to laugh--internally, of course. She takes the "shhh" sound to mean the same as what it means in church when she tries to give the sermon instead of our pastor. :)
+Today is hot. HOT! BB has been running around as I "work" in the office.
He came in and said, "Mom, I am thirsty."
I said, "Ok, one minute. I'll get you something."
"No, mom. I am thirsty. I'm thirstier than you love me."
"Not possible, my friend. Not. possible."
+When EG cries--for whatever reason--as parents we naturally mutter some version of -- meant to be--soothing "shhh, shhh." We say it to calm her, we saying without thinking. Lately, she responds by stopping the crying and looking up at us to say, "No, I just want to cry. Let me cry." She returns to crying.
We start to laugh--internally, of course. She takes the "shhh" sound to mean the same as what it means in church when she tries to give the sermon instead of our pastor. :)
+Today is hot. HOT! BB has been running around as I "work" in the office.
He came in and said, "Mom, I am thirsty."
I said, "Ok, one minute. I'll get you something."
"No, mom. I am thirsty. I'm thirstier than you love me."
"Not possible, my friend. Not. possible."
Tangible Contribution
Any calling I have entered into as an adult has lacked tangible means to measure my contribution. Marriage. Ministry. Motherhood. How do you know if what you are doing is making an impact? What's the goal, anyway? When you sit at a review (and two of these callings have no formal review process) what does your personnel committee really measure? On many, if not most, days, when the sun sets I wonder what difference I made. The 'long view' is my only saving grace.
To offset this, I turn to concrete tasks. Concrete tasks help soften the blow of writing sermon after sermon on loving your neighbor, which from evidence taken in the committee meetings, are falling on deaf ears. Concrete tasks round out your usefulness when your day has been spent folding bulletins...half of which won't be picked up. Concrete tasks are helpful when you've sat with someone for the third week in a row listening to absolute horrific pain and sorrow, knowing full well there are no words, let alone yours, that will fill the hole in their life. I'm not saying what I did wasn't of value or wasn't meaningful. In most cases, it is exactly what I was called to do and be. But it just so happens that what I am called to be isn't very concrete. I can't measure if it made an impact. This may not be as frustrating to some as it is to me. I like to know where I stand. I like tangible. I really like tangible growth. And, I'd like it rightnowplease.
When I served as a full time pastor, my days off were dedicated to cleaning the house. I took absolute joy in seeing my pristine white towels folded and stacked in a orderly fashion. I was satisfied to remove a full bag of dog hair from the vacuum. I stood back and sighed in bliss at the sight of a sparkling kitchen.
These days, I take the same joy in laundry stains. I find deep satisfaction over my success at getting mustard, chocolate and grease stains out of EG's clothes. (I say EG, because the rest of us manage to keep our clothes nearly food-free.)
I am just finishing up her dress from Sunday. White hem and chocolate ice cream...what a delight! What fun! Absolute joy!
I'm not sure my words of correction, insight or admonishment are making any in roads with her development (or him) but I do know my bleach pen got the chocolate out. Proof enough, for today.
To offset this, I turn to concrete tasks. Concrete tasks help soften the blow of writing sermon after sermon on loving your neighbor, which from evidence taken in the committee meetings, are falling on deaf ears. Concrete tasks round out your usefulness when your day has been spent folding bulletins...half of which won't be picked up. Concrete tasks are helpful when you've sat with someone for the third week in a row listening to absolute horrific pain and sorrow, knowing full well there are no words, let alone yours, that will fill the hole in their life. I'm not saying what I did wasn't of value or wasn't meaningful. In most cases, it is exactly what I was called to do and be. But it just so happens that what I am called to be isn't very concrete. I can't measure if it made an impact. This may not be as frustrating to some as it is to me. I like to know where I stand. I like tangible. I really like tangible growth. And, I'd like it rightnowplease.
When I served as a full time pastor, my days off were dedicated to cleaning the house. I took absolute joy in seeing my pristine white towels folded and stacked in a orderly fashion. I was satisfied to remove a full bag of dog hair from the vacuum. I stood back and sighed in bliss at the sight of a sparkling kitchen.
These days, I take the same joy in laundry stains. I find deep satisfaction over my success at getting mustard, chocolate and grease stains out of EG's clothes. (I say EG, because the rest of us manage to keep our clothes nearly food-free.)
I am just finishing up her dress from Sunday. White hem and chocolate ice cream...what a delight! What fun! Absolute joy!
I'm not sure my words of correction, insight or admonishment are making any in roads with her development (or him) but I do know my bleach pen got the chocolate out. Proof enough, for today.
Monday, May 17, 2010
We Have Picked You
I'm not sure who threw my email address into the fishbowl of freebies but whoever did, did so with abandon. In the last week my junk box has been overflowing. Should I choose to open any of these emails, I might learn just what I "won" but for now I only read the subject lines.
Free computer
Free Labtop
My Laptop is shipping-Confirm today
Confirm-We have your Grant waiting
Free Xerox printer waiting for you
Disney Movies are waiting for us to ship to your children
Please Confirm your camera is waiting.
You have won--take a survey and we will pay for lunch
Click Here for YOUR next Puppy
And, apparently I am in need of more education.
Mothers, finish your degree
Nurses needed
College degrees online
Finish your education
Medical Transcription is Your Future
Get your associates degree here
Pole Dancing Classes
President Obama wants you to finish your degree
We must not forget my friends far away.
Deerest Kind Woman, I wrte from my hart to plea for my families life. You, deer Christians lady, I invite you to send me money.
**edit** My absolute favorite grouping arrived today:
Free computer
Free Labtop
My Laptop is shipping-Confirm today
Confirm-We have your Grant waiting
Free Xerox printer waiting for you
Disney Movies are waiting for us to ship to your children
Please Confirm your camera is waiting.
You have won--take a survey and we will pay for lunch
Click Here for YOUR next Puppy
And, apparently I am in need of more education.
Mothers, finish your degree
Nurses needed
College degrees online
Finish your education
Medical Transcription is Your Future
Get your associates degree here
Pole Dancing Classes
President Obama wants you to finish your degree
We must not forget my friends far away.
Deerest Kind Woman, I wrte from my hart to plea for my families life. You, deer Christians lady, I invite you to send me money.
**edit** My absolute favorite grouping arrived today:
 | USA Honor Society | Your Certificate of Achievement is Ready | ||||
| A Place For Mom | Elder Care -- Top 5 Options! | ||||
| Houskeeper For You | Find a housekeeper today |
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
How it goes these days
Here are some funny quotes heard around our house.
EG is working on talking her self through what she should and shouldn't do. As she opens the markers and crayons to color at the kitchen table...
"I no color on table. Don't color on hands. No, no (as she looks at plastic box). No body color on my feet. I no color on table. Can't color on the tree. (she is looking out the window now) I no color on balls. I can't color on Abbabelle's poop. I no color on table. I onbly color on paper..." (she was coloring as this lengthy conversation went on.)
The kids are fighting more these days. Finding ways to egg each other on. Often the major problem is that EG repeats EVERYTHING BB says. She also repeats phrases and words she has heard but, of course, has no idea of what she is saying. (but then sometimes she does know, so I can see where BB gets confused as he plays with her.) A favorite litany (screamed) back and forth surrounds the topic of who is the boss.
Apparently, my husband and I do not live up to this role sufficiently for their liking. So figuring that we aren't in the running, they compete again each other. "You are not the boss, EG!" "Yes, I am. You am'nt the boss, BB" Back and forth. Sometimes the older one will throw me a bone..."Mommy's the boss here, EG. NOT YOU."
The other morning. EG was having a melt down over the fact I absentmindedly snapped her chair strap (fyi: you do not do anything for her that she can do for herself. your day will be better for knowing this tip.) I decided to leave it and let her deal with the fact I had done something helpful for her. She was screaming "foul" over my kindness. My Husband and I were getting breakfast and making lunch. BB decided to calm his sister down. He said something to her about being quiet and eating. He was using his big boy/teacher/calm voice to sooth her and offer ideas of how she could stop crying. At one point he just put his hands over his ears. To all of this she yelled, "You aren't the boss." In a remarkable display of "things you learned this year," BB replied, calmly..."You can be the boss of yourself, EG." (now pipe down)
FYI: EG is our two year old daughter and BB is her four year old brother. They live with a dog and two parents, who aremostly in charge.
EG is working on talking her self through what she should and shouldn't do. As she opens the markers and crayons to color at the kitchen table...
"I no color on table. Don't color on hands. No, no (as she looks at plastic box). No body color on my feet. I no color on table. Can't color on the tree. (she is looking out the window now) I no color on balls. I can't color on Abbabelle's poop. I no color on table. I onbly color on paper..." (she was coloring as this lengthy conversation went on.)
The kids are fighting more these days. Finding ways to egg each other on. Often the major problem is that EG repeats EVERYTHING BB says. She also repeats phrases and words she has heard but, of course, has no idea of what she is saying. (but then sometimes she does know, so I can see where BB gets confused as he plays with her.) A favorite litany (screamed) back and forth surrounds the topic of who is the boss.
Apparently, my husband and I do not live up to this role sufficiently for their liking. So figuring that we aren't in the running, they compete again each other. "You are not the boss, EG!" "Yes, I am. You am'nt the boss, BB" Back and forth. Sometimes the older one will throw me a bone..."Mommy's the boss here, EG. NOT YOU."
The other morning. EG was having a melt down over the fact I absentmindedly snapped her chair strap (fyi: you do not do anything for her that she can do for herself. your day will be better for knowing this tip.) I decided to leave it and let her deal with the fact I had done something helpful for her. She was screaming "foul" over my kindness. My Husband and I were getting breakfast and making lunch. BB decided to calm his sister down. He said something to her about being quiet and eating. He was using his big boy/teacher/calm voice to sooth her and offer ideas of how she could stop crying. At one point he just put his hands over his ears. To all of this she yelled, "You aren't the boss." In a remarkable display of "things you learned this year," BB replied, calmly..."You can be the boss of yourself, EG." (now pipe down)
FYI: EG is our two year old daughter and BB is her four year old brother. They live with a dog and two parents, who are
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Glow of Youth
Today we toasted BB's student teacher with punch and cookies. It was her final day at his preschool before heading off to graduation and a summer wedding.
Over the course of her time in BB's class room I haven't had much interaction with her. Her presence in my son's life has been minimal. I haven't caught any hint of her impact on his education or school experience. I could tell BB was only there today for the cookies and punch.
While some students were crying and grabbing her in enormous hugs, BB merely shook her hand and gave an awkward side hug. He saved his biggest smile and leg hug for his "real" teacher, (whom he did report was "back in the classroom full time".) thanking her for the party on our way out the door.
So it came as a surprise to me that I teared up at the party. After the three and four year olds had their fill of party treats and social time, they were invited to sit in a circle around the Guest of Honor. This bright, sweet, and kind woman sat on the floor beaming as fifteen or so children settled down around her. A few of the kids were nearly in her lap they were so excited for the gift opening. The lead teacher said a few words and then presented her with some gifts. She seemed touched and thankful. One was a gift certificate to a school supply store where the Student Teacher will be living after she gets married. The students gently passed around the figurine that had been picked out. Oooo--ing and ahhh-ing as they handed it to the person sitting next to them. Then they scooted in even closer to her as she began to look at each card they had made for her.
It was a beautiful scene. But I don't think it was the caring teachers or adorable kids that brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the memory of what it felt like to stand on the precipice of a whole new life. Graduation. Marriage. First Job. While I am sure there is also fear and uncertainty behind her smile and bright eyes. Because, of course, she has no idea.
None of us did. We sat in circles opening gifts, overwhelmed not by the outpouring of love so much as the foggy feeling that life was moving faster than we could take in. Perhaps that is why I teared up. In that moment I had a chance to reflect on the times when I sat there--surround by my life and love and overwhelming joy.
I stood in the gym, in the middle of my future, giving thanks for all that has been...and pretended something was in my eye.
Over the course of her time in BB's class room I haven't had much interaction with her. Her presence in my son's life has been minimal. I haven't caught any hint of her impact on his education or school experience. I could tell BB was only there today for the cookies and punch.
While some students were crying and grabbing her in enormous hugs, BB merely shook her hand and gave an awkward side hug. He saved his biggest smile and leg hug for his "real" teacher, (whom he did report was "back in the classroom full time".) thanking her for the party on our way out the door.
So it came as a surprise to me that I teared up at the party. After the three and four year olds had their fill of party treats and social time, they were invited to sit in a circle around the Guest of Honor. This bright, sweet, and kind woman sat on the floor beaming as fifteen or so children settled down around her. A few of the kids were nearly in her lap they were so excited for the gift opening. The lead teacher said a few words and then presented her with some gifts. She seemed touched and thankful. One was a gift certificate to a school supply store where the Student Teacher will be living after she gets married. The students gently passed around the figurine that had been picked out. Oooo--ing and ahhh-ing as they handed it to the person sitting next to them. Then they scooted in even closer to her as she began to look at each card they had made for her.
It was a beautiful scene. But I don't think it was the caring teachers or adorable kids that brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the memory of what it felt like to stand on the precipice of a whole new life. Graduation. Marriage. First Job. While I am sure there is also fear and uncertainty behind her smile and bright eyes. Because, of course, she has no idea.
None of us did. We sat in circles opening gifts, overwhelmed not by the outpouring of love so much as the foggy feeling that life was moving faster than we could take in. Perhaps that is why I teared up. In that moment I had a chance to reflect on the times when I sat there--surround by my life and love and overwhelming joy.
I stood in the gym, in the middle of my future, giving thanks for all that has been...and pretended something was in my eye.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Mother's Day
Mother's Day, for me, is still more about my mother than it is about me being one. Not that my own mother would know this, as my card to her just hit the mailbox yesterday. Each of my cards need to be sent far across the Midwest--none of them will arrive on time. Which is also 'ok' by my mom. She has always told us that Every Day should be Mother's Day.
And, I believe for her they have been. Not in an overly romanced, rosy way...I am sure many a day she could have thought of other things to do...but over all, she gave the impression that she enjoyed it. Enjoyed the process of nurturing her kids. Made us feel like a gift. Each of her three children challenged her in their own way. All at once, over the course of our lives, we said, "Look here," and somehow she did.
For me she has always been my touch stone. The source I check in with first. She is the one I call to talk about everything, nothing or the specific. It is her eye that I trust. Her human compass that I keep in my pocket, as I navigate a situation. Smile. Be direct. Be Kind. More blush.
She has my back, even when she shouldn't. Or, when I don't need it. Or, when I don't want it.
And, yes she is the one whose approval matters. Sometimes, often times, the most.
I'm working on that. We're working on that.
Here is the greatest part about my mom, the part every one should have, but many don't...the part I am most thankful for..
Last week, as the house hunt was going down the wrong pipe, she said something to me in a conversation. Specifics don't matter. I heard it. It made me mad. It pushed some buttons. And instead of fuming. Instead of holding on to it, I called my mom. I said, "Hey mom, ya know when you said that, it made me feel like this." Then we talked about it. Honestly. Openly. We talked without fear of anything bad happening to our relationship. We had complete confidence that good would come out of our efforts. Knowing I can do that, has made me who I am. It has been the nurturing I have needed.
Time and time again she had to model this level of grace and patience for me because, sometimes, it wasn't always safe or comfortable for her to engage me in conversation. (think junior high hormones) I am sure, no, I know, that in 50%-70% of our conversations my mom was done with the topic way before I was. I know she didn't understand my drama. Why I was still on this. Where this emotion and passion was springing forth from...I know in many a conversation, she was done.
But she wasn't. She did her absolutely best to stay with me. To hear my rants and raves...often ducking to dodge the brunt force of my words. She was there. And I know she always will be there.
She has my back, even when she shouldn't. Or, when I don't need it. Or, when I don't want it.
I love you, Mom. Thanks. Happy Every Day.
And, I believe for her they have been. Not in an overly romanced, rosy way...I am sure many a day she could have thought of other things to do...but over all, she gave the impression that she enjoyed it. Enjoyed the process of nurturing her kids. Made us feel like a gift. Each of her three children challenged her in their own way. All at once, over the course of our lives, we said, "Look here," and somehow she did.
For me she has always been my touch stone. The source I check in with first. She is the one I call to talk about everything, nothing or the specific. It is her eye that I trust. Her human compass that I keep in my pocket, as I navigate a situation. Smile. Be direct. Be Kind. More blush.
She has my back, even when she shouldn't. Or, when I don't need it. Or, when I don't want it.
And, yes she is the one whose approval matters. Sometimes, often times, the most.
I'm working on that. We're working on that.
Here is the greatest part about my mom, the part every one should have, but many don't...the part I am most thankful for..
Last week, as the house hunt was going down the wrong pipe, she said something to me in a conversation. Specifics don't matter. I heard it. It made me mad. It pushed some buttons. And instead of fuming. Instead of holding on to it, I called my mom. I said, "Hey mom, ya know when you said that, it made me feel like this." Then we talked about it. Honestly. Openly. We talked without fear of anything bad happening to our relationship. We had complete confidence that good would come out of our efforts. Knowing I can do that, has made me who I am. It has been the nurturing I have needed.
Time and time again she had to model this level of grace and patience for me because, sometimes, it wasn't always safe or comfortable for her to engage me in conversation. (think junior high hormones) I am sure, no, I know, that in 50%-70% of our conversations my mom was done with the topic way before I was. I know she didn't understand my drama. Why I was still on this. Where this emotion and passion was springing forth from...I know in many a conversation, she was done.
But she wasn't. She did her absolutely best to stay with me. To hear my rants and raves...often ducking to dodge the brunt force of my words. She was there. And I know she always will be there.
She has my back, even when she shouldn't. Or, when I don't need it. Or, when I don't want it.
I love you, Mom. Thanks. Happy Every Day.
Friday, May 07, 2010
Thursday
Wednesday night after returning home at 11pm from class and friend time, I learned that we had a house showing the next afternoon. Thursday morning I woke up ready to clean. After BB was at school, we raced back and I began. I had on my "bleachable" cleaning clothes and crazy hair. About 20 mins in to my whirlwind, the FBI knocked at my door. And there began my day.
They weren't there for me. But nevertheless my heart stopped a little. "What the %^&*?" I thought to myself. He was very nice. It is a very fancy badge. They do wear dark suits. He was doing a background check on a neighbor who has applied for a job with the Federal Gov't. I reported what I knew about her and said, that "Yes to the best of my knowledge she is a good American." (a friend wondered if they knew much about me...my comments to over throw the government are only in jest and, I might add, they were actually the very essence of the American spirit.)
The house was cleaned. I picked up BB. I had to finish the floors in the house so I left BB and EG in the car. They were in the garage, a bit put out that I was leaving them, I put on a cd. I lost track of time, but can't imagine it was near 20 mins...BB called out that the cd had stopped playing. The battery in my car was dead.
Wanting a bit of adventure in my day, I pushed the car into neutral and began to push it out of the driveway...actually anticipating the excitement of running and JUMPING back into the car to slam on the brakes. That was the fun part. I called a friend (is there a word beyond friend? Because she fits into a category beyond simply friend.) to see if she was around and had nothing else to do but jump my car battery. She, of course, was waiting with baited breathe for me to call and request her help. (not) While I waited for her the neighbor across the street tried to help, but either our cables didn't work or the connection was bad...I sent him on his way to a meeting. Once my friend arrived we got the other cables and gave it a go. My car roared to full power.
I had to keep the car running to charge the battery, I needed breakfast and lunch AND we had a house showing in a few hours. I decided to drive 45 mins away to have Chipotle for lunch. It was completely worth it.
Upon arriving home at around 4pm, I started dinner. At 5pm I looked at my calendar only to find I had a meeting to go to. (one which I never quite sure why I am in attendance of) I called my Husband and he met me at the church. We traded cars. I went to a meeting. He took kids home.
That was Thursday.
They weren't there for me. But nevertheless my heart stopped a little. "What the %^&*?" I thought to myself. He was very nice. It is a very fancy badge. They do wear dark suits. He was doing a background check on a neighbor who has applied for a job with the Federal Gov't. I reported what I knew about her and said, that "Yes to the best of my knowledge she is a good American." (a friend wondered if they knew much about me...my comments to over throw the government are only in jest and, I might add, they were actually the very essence of the American spirit.)
The house was cleaned. I picked up BB. I had to finish the floors in the house so I left BB and EG in the car. They were in the garage, a bit put out that I was leaving them, I put on a cd. I lost track of time, but can't imagine it was near 20 mins...BB called out that the cd had stopped playing. The battery in my car was dead.
Wanting a bit of adventure in my day, I pushed the car into neutral and began to push it out of the driveway...actually anticipating the excitement of running and JUMPING back into the car to slam on the brakes. That was the fun part. I called a friend (is there a word beyond friend? Because she fits into a category beyond simply friend.) to see if she was around and had nothing else to do but jump my car battery. She, of course, was waiting with baited breathe for me to call and request her help. (not) While I waited for her the neighbor across the street tried to help, but either our cables didn't work or the connection was bad...I sent him on his way to a meeting. Once my friend arrived we got the other cables and gave it a go. My car roared to full power.
I had to keep the car running to charge the battery, I needed breakfast and lunch AND we had a house showing in a few hours. I decided to drive 45 mins away to have Chipotle for lunch. It was completely worth it.
Upon arriving home at around 4pm, I started dinner. At 5pm I looked at my calendar only to find I had a meeting to go to. (one which I never quite sure why I am in attendance of) I called my Husband and he met me at the church. We traded cars. I went to a meeting. He took kids home.
That was Thursday.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Making a Home
We ran away again this weekend. The four five of us took off for Wisconsin to meet up with friends of ours since high school (the women) and college (all of us). I was a bit apprehensive to get together with these friends in my state of mind. I knew the house deal was going south fast. It is never really a good idea to go to a social event with a spouse to whom you have MUCH to say but nothing that is fit for polite company.
My real hesitation is that this particular family is so ideal. Their life is so what I long for. in some ways. I admire their choices. I admire their contentment and the joy they get from the simple things in life. She always seems at peace...with herself, her choices, her marriage. I am nearly always the opposite. Where I love drama she loves realty. She also takes very good care of herself. She finds enjoyment in exercise and is renewed by solitude. In many ways we have very little in common, but we are friends. Best of friends, and she has been a rock in my adult life.
But she is also someone I can't hide from. Not that I hide much or fake much, but most people in my day to day life have only known me for a few years. My friend has seen me through many more stages. I imagine she had hopes and ideas about how my life may turn out. I have not lived up to either of our standards in many arenas.
Standing in a zero depth pool in my new spandex based swimsuit proved that to be true. There was no hiding. No hiding what I have been up to and what I have given up on.
But while some areas of my life are in need of some work, other areas have matured. Like the fact I made peace with my spandex suit and had fun in the pool with my friends and kids. I also worked hard to not be Negative Nellie about my life Here. I spoke about my job and activities with a positive tone. I tried to be the person I hope to be. I wasn't always faking it, either.
As we drove away I was dreading the usual sadness that comes as I turn away from the life I had hoped to live. This time it wasn't so bad. When I arrived in our driveway, I was thankful for a fun weekend with dear friends and thankful for this place I call home.
And just to say, "Welcome back" this Town did something it never does...it was NICE to me. I went to a local appliance store in search of buying some touch up paint for our stove. (there is a small chip that looks bad as one is trying to sell said stove) The clerk seemed to know of a secret stash and went around the store looking for it and then asking his supervisor if it would be ok to give it to me. Online the paint is $15. When I asked how much it was at the store, he said it was free. WHAT?! People are NEVER this nice here. Simple acts of kindness like that NEVER happen...or at least it FEELS like they NEVER happen. They charge you for everything Here.
I left the store hopeful that I might be able to create a home Here...at least, more hopeful than I had been before I ran away.
My real hesitation is that this particular family is so ideal. Their life is so what I long for. in some ways. I admire their choices. I admire their contentment and the joy they get from the simple things in life. She always seems at peace...with herself, her choices, her marriage. I am nearly always the opposite. Where I love drama she loves realty. She also takes very good care of herself. She finds enjoyment in exercise and is renewed by solitude. In many ways we have very little in common, but we are friends. Best of friends, and she has been a rock in my adult life.
But she is also someone I can't hide from. Not that I hide much or fake much, but most people in my day to day life have only known me for a few years. My friend has seen me through many more stages. I imagine she had hopes and ideas about how my life may turn out. I have not lived up to either of our standards in many arenas.
Standing in a zero depth pool in my new spandex based swimsuit proved that to be true. There was no hiding. No hiding what I have been up to and what I have given up on.
But while some areas of my life are in need of some work, other areas have matured. Like the fact I made peace with my spandex suit and had fun in the pool with my friends and kids. I also worked hard to not be Negative Nellie about my life Here. I spoke about my job and activities with a positive tone. I tried to be the person I hope to be. I wasn't always faking it, either.
As we drove away I was dreading the usual sadness that comes as I turn away from the life I had hoped to live. This time it wasn't so bad. When I arrived in our driveway, I was thankful for a fun weekend with dear friends and thankful for this place I call home.
And just to say, "Welcome back" this Town did something it never does...it was NICE to me. I went to a local appliance store in search of buying some touch up paint for our stove. (there is a small chip that looks bad as one is trying to sell said stove) The clerk seemed to know of a secret stash and went around the store looking for it and then asking his supervisor if it would be ok to give it to me. Online the paint is $15. When I asked how much it was at the store, he said it was free. WHAT?! People are NEVER this nice here. Simple acts of kindness like that NEVER happen...or at least it FEELS like they NEVER happen. They charge you for everything Here.
I left the store hopeful that I might be able to create a home Here...at least, more hopeful than I had been before I ran away.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Adding One
I've got another blog for you...The Hollywood Housewife I do not remember how I first found her blog; I was up too late, I'm sure. I check her blog each and every day. I find her life fascinating and utterly different than mine, yet remarkably similar. Much of her life is made up of events and occurrences that I will never experience, but she presents it in a down to earth way. Her Oklahoma roots shine through as she introduces herself without any pretense or grandeur. I also appreciate that she writes (really well) daily...I appreciate and admire the effort this takes. Check out her blog when you get a chance.
Cold Feet
I imagine doubt is a part of everyone's life. For us, for my husband, doubt is the broken record...a soundtrack we never intended to play. Doubt is often the third member of our marriage. It wanders around trying to find a chink in ones armor. Pressing and pressing until it breaks in. Then, it just keeps on. Doubt. Second guessing. Creating scenario after scenario about how this won't work. Or that will happen if...
We've got some road noise weighing on our house hunting minds. How loud is too loud? Can we sell this house? Does this noise bother us more than, X, Y or Z criteria?
I think, I THINK, we are moving forward. It is less fun though. Or rather, we are focusing on less fun parts of the new house.
But, don't all brides feel this way when they get engaged? (for the record I never did.) And, yes, I carried this metaphor all the way over to this entry. I promised I would stop, didn't I?
We've got some road noise weighing on our house hunting minds. How loud is too loud? Can we sell this house? Does this noise bother us more than, X, Y or Z criteria?
I think, I THINK, we are moving forward. It is less fun though. Or rather, we are focusing on less fun parts of the new house.
But, don't all brides feel this way when they get engaged? (for the record I never did.) And, yes, I carried this metaphor all the way over to this entry. I promised I would stop, didn't I?
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