She said it.

Thank you Peacebang.

Thank you, Pr. Pam.

Thank you, Pr. Nadia.

And, for  a real Advent/Christmas gift, check out this video by the Livesays.

Bethlehem is in sight

The package to the distant sibling has been sent.
Gifts for children of all ages have arrived.
BB and my DH are out shopping for me as I type.
We have snow and the kids have been out sledding.
I have pants that will fit me.
FB accounts has been signed off of for the remainder of the year.
Snacks are purchased for trip north.
Christmas with inlaws has been scheduled for tomorrow.
Christmas cards are all that are left...best get to it.

This has been a difficult season for me.  I have been internally fighting the secular 'to do list' and the manic drive to spend and decorate and celebrate in all the ways the culture desires of us.  Mentally, I have written many a blog post on all the ways we try to cram celebration into these four weeks.  Why don't we spread out gifts, cards, parties, coffees, brunches...Why, oh WHY do we do this to ourselves?

In the end I did what I wanted to...told my internal drive 'to do more' to "shut up" ( and I don't say that phrase very often, to anyone.) and went along doing the best I could.

I have written many a judgmental post as well.  Wondering why adults are so obnoxious at preschool programs and why we can't hang up our damn cell phones.  I have even judged people's holiday decorations and Christmas cards.  I have judged myself for how my son is approaching the season...gimme, gimme, gimme. 

But none of them will really benefit anyone, so I hit the delete key in my mind and moved on.  Your Christmas will be all the brighter for not having to read my rants.

Clearing out some of the chaotic mental frustration and holiday angst, helped Bethlehem come in to view.

It isn't a mirage after all!  There, off in the distance is the place Jesus was born, is born, will be born.  I caught sight of it in my rear-view mirror and in the grocery lines and in the eyes of those who dance around my house.  In the end, in spite of all my judgment, and concern, and fear that society is completely lost, devote of any true compass, I catch a glimpse of the place where God came to us.  God's humility, vulnerability and acceptance, strengthens my faith once again.  And I remember, that it is for people such as this...such as myself: judgmental, proud, and self centered...that God put on human flesh and lived among us.

For myself and for you, I wish these final days of Advent to be full of the holy.  Holy waiting in line, holy cooking, holy cleaning (and painting) and preparing.  Holy days.  I also wish you the most blessed Christmas season...all 12 days of it.  Enjoy.  Savor.  Wonder.  Take your time in Bethlehem.  New babies are something to behold and this one is not to be missed.

Peace to you and yours!

No, It is still me.

I was just bored and tried to change things up a bit with layout.  Watch, it will change again.

Not Prepared

If you are anxiously awaiting photos of my home, decorated for the Advent and Christmas seasons, you can see what it looked like last year, here.  As BB reminds me nearly every hour, we have not decorated as much this year.  And, we won't be.

Part of the Story

Here is final paragraph from my sermon on Sunday.  It was a soft sermon.  That is being kind.  Although, I knew it was. I knew I wasn't getting into the text as much as I could have and I made peace with that...I told my stories about children and setting expectations...I got my laughs and had some fun.  Fun.  Huh, fun, with Luke's version of John the Baptist...well, never thought I'd write that sentence.

But, considering I was having a delightful text study in Chicago at 3:30pm...I did pretty well.

"So what then should we do?

We wait.  We wait in hope.  We wait in Joy.  We return again and again to the expectations God lays out for us.  We wait for the day when it will all be second nature…loving our neighbor, kindness, forgiveness, joy, gratitude…when all our responses to the gift of God in the flesh, come as easy as breathing.  We wait for Jesus to come again.  We wait..opening the gift God gave us in Christ, one layer of grace and expectation at a time."

What I wish I could have put together is here.  Hang with her past the horror movie stuff...because the last 6 paragraphs are worth it.

Four!

Here is a photo of the t-shirt.  BB loved wearing it to school and for his party.  I imagine he'll have it on a few more times this year.

 

I made this banner out of paper (can't go into the scrapbook store without buying SOMETHING) that matched the table decorations.

I frosted cookies...had enough cut out 'fours' to feed the neighborhood. 

Here is the beginning of the cake.  When BB saw the crack in it, he wanted his excavators to be digging a foundation large enough to build a skyscraper.  So, I dug out a hole...chocolate cake looks just like dirt.

Here is the final cake. 

Easiest one yet. 

Green frosting.  Crushed Oreo cookies and my royal icing boulders.

And, what else would make a construction party complete?  Why, an excavator, of course! 

(and some soil...)

Thanks to everyone who made it a great weekend.  We love you!!!

Joy

It is a beautiful sunny day here.  We sent the kids out to play after breakfast so that party preparations could begin.  BB dressed himself in his firefighter uniform, along with a winter hat and mittens.  EG came running in hot pursuit, dressed as a bumble bee in tennis shoes.  The bee costume has a hood so she saw no need for a hat.

The sunshine streamed into our kitchen as I sipped tea and my husband ate his cereal. We planned the day and occasionally looked out the window at our bee and firefighter.  After my husband took off for errands, I began to bake the cake (second cake...longer story).  Sunshine.  Smell of chocolate cake powder in the air.  And the sight of our kids out the window.  Joy.

At one point I looked out to see both of them laying on their stomachs under the ball catching net (probably feels like a tent to them).  Their young heads are close together, while their feet kick in crisp air.  The dog bounced around them, her breath forming clouds around them.  Every once in awhile they would pop up and run around then come back to the same spot and snuggle back up together.  Something about the scene amazed me.  My babies.  Out there, together in the world.  There they were. 

What on earth were they up to?

It hit me that as much as I wanted to go out to see what they were talking about, playing, creating, my presence would have ruined it for everyone.  They were out in our small yard becoming their own selves...and today, I watched their relationship develop.  She can talk.  He can listen.  They can take turns.  Together, they can plan and plot and dream.  I know they were sharing the beginnings of what it means to have siblings.

It is siblings that know your story from the beginning...in the best conditions they have your back like no one else in your life ever will.  From my experience, the honesty, loyalty and love that comes from your sister or brother can not be matched, or recreated.  While you can have a full, rich and productive life without one, I wouldn't have wanted to go it alone.

Increasingly, I realize that we aren't just raising children, we are creating a family.  And today I realized something else, I live with a brother and sister...young people who have their own relationship...just them, together.

I didn't go out to the yard.  Hours later, I haven't even asked what they were up to.  It wasn't about me.  It was their moment and I am just so blessed to have caught a glimpse of it.

To my own brother and sister...thanks for it all, and I love you.

Much more fun than my last post.

Yum.

What I learned from Twitter Today...

What if Jesus had been born a girl?

What if...

My Work Here is Done

Today after preschool the three of us went to lunch and then to a neighborhood bakery to pick out cookies for BB to take to class tomorrow.  So many to pick from.  So many.  Eventually, he choose two kinds and we got a dozen of each.  The teacher will probably not enjoy the fact the kids can choose between two decorating styles, but so be it.

In the car afterward, BB began to plan.  He first secured that there were enough cookies for him to try one today.  Then he said, "Mom, are we going to put each cookie in a little bag and tie it with a ribbon and put my friends names on each one?"  While I was delighted that he thought of this very cute idea, the part of me that has been running around getting ready for tomorrow and Sunday, groaned internally--NO!!!---we aren't.  What I said was, "That is a great idea, and sometimes we do that don't we?  I don't think we will tomorrow."  To which he graciously offered, "I'm not sure how to spell anyway...and you don't even know some of their faces."

He also reported back today that his class will be studying Advent all of December.  "The color is blue."

See, my work is done.  What more can I teach him beyond liturgical colors and putting cookies in bags with ribbon for a party?

(They also got the H1N1 shot and we picked up pottery from the local 'paint it yourself' shop.  Tomorrow, some surprises go up and a couple gifts get opened.)

Prepare the Way

Prepare the way, make your paths straight, get ready...

Today, on this first Sunday in Advent, we are preparing for much.  On Wednesday, BB turns four.  Four is much more fun than three.  At least for the party planner in me.  BB actually cares what I am doing.  He has the menu planned, he is excited about the party, he has approved the cake, and he keeps making gift requests that I have no idea where to get.  So that should be fun.  I have a number of surprises for him as well.

I am making a t-shirt with the number four on it.

And I am making a streamer door hanging (idea from GP) that will be all green ribbon...he can swish through it to his heart's content on Wednesday.  Except, I keep forgetting to write down on my list that I need a suspension rod from Target.  Suffered through two trips and forgotten each time.  argh.

Of course there will be a cake.  You (and I) will have to wait to see how these royal icing/oreo cookie boulders get used on said cake.

There will also be cookies.  The number 'four' and I made a few hearts.  I believe they have been ordered in shades of yellow.  Can anyone guess the theme of this year's party?  It is actually amazing that we waited 4 years to get to this theme.

Photos of final results will be posted when projects are completed.  My list is long this week, but it is all pretty fun and it brings me great joy.  Hoping it makes one little boy giggle with glee as well.

Thankful

I made the challenge in my sermon on Sunday for us to actually list what we are thankful for.  It is easy to list off the traditional/assumed list...family, friends, good health, shelter, food, clothes, etc.  Our thanks can be so generic.  I also wonder who most of us are giving thanks to?  In a season where our culture jumped from Halloween to Christmas in a blink of a week, perhaps I am feeling a little protective of Thanksgiving.

There is of course, no real retail incentive for Thanksgiving as a holiday.  It is one day.  We gather.  We eat.  We sit around.  It is over.  Perhaps there is a prayer or a family activity connected to sharing our thoughts and feelings, but mostly it is a day devoid of a common liturgy or larger purpose.

Give thanks?  I think many people can make the list, but then who are we thanking?  For so many people I think they feel they only have themselves to thank for the state of their lives.  Abundance they thank themselves.  Scarcity they blame others, or some circle in on themselves.  Gone is the common thought that in all things we give thanks to God.

I made my list.  On it are the generic things I listed above.  But there are some unique to only me.

~that profound grief has passed, replaced by a new normal...a stage that feels more comfortable with each passing day.
~that energy and clarity have returned to my brain.  Hormones and biochemistry are amazing.
~for friends who listen and understand the craziness of my life without judgment.  Or trying to fix it.
~for my own confidence in speaking up and for finding peace in the times when it is best to remain quiet.
~for the recognition that more 'stuff'--food, clothes, nicknacks and 'pretties'--won't actually make me feel better.  (learning curve still pretty high on this one...)
~for facebook and the connection to friends and family it brings me on a daily basis.
~for the ability to write my thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving to you.  I hope that it becomes more a way of being than a 'day' on the calendar or merely a meal before our shopping trip. :)

And then the second one comes along...

Here is a sampling of things BB never said at 20 months.  Now, yes, for those of you who are sticklers for truth, BB didn't say much of anything at 20 months...let alone complete sentences, but just go with it.

"I want to watch a movie now."
"Turn it on, Mom."  referring to the tv
"I'll do it a 'odder' time."
"Why I have eat that?"
"No nappy time.  'Atter.  'Atter.  BB sleep first."

Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  We are in such flipping trouble I don't even know where to start.  EG has brains, charm and her super cute cheeks on her side right now...man oh man, we are scrambling to keep get her in check.

Now to my credit, she didn't get to watch anything, she just thinks she can.  She sat in front of a dark tv telling me to turn it on, for, oh, about 10 minutes.

I am quite sure that BB's passion and stubbornness and EG's confident persistence will serve both of them very well in adulthood.  I just pray we all get there.

Exerpt from Sermon on Luke 12

We all have enough stuff.  While I am always caution to make wide generalizations like that, but I bet most of us have plenty, at least stuff.  Maybe not the newest, or fanciest, but plenty.  Considering that someone making $20,000 a year in the US is among the 11% wealthiest population in the world.  We have plenty.  (according to the Global Rich list)

And yet, we keep building new barns.  Everywhere we turn we are bombarded with the temptation to put things before God and before others.  It is a never ending cycle.  Once we have all the things that we want, we must be willing to protect those things.  We build bigger barns, move to a larger house, buy more insurance, and put up higher fences and louder security systems.  We cannot leave our things any longer to visit other places or cultures to broaden our perspectives about life.  We must find ways to guard our property.  We become prisoners of our possessions.  (And for those of us with no possessions, on top of the struggle of life it is the struggle to not be overcome by jealously and rage at those who have—and again stuff drives us away from neighbor and God.)

I know, I know this is the type of sermon where some of you are muttering to yourselves.  I don’t need to hear this.  Rather, I don’t want to hear this.  But there is it…there really isn’t a way to sugar coat what Jesus is telling us today.

We ask ourselves, “How can we balance providing for our needs, real needs, and the desire to accumulate goods, money, and status?  We don’t like this topic…but especially given the consumerism surrounding us right now…silence isn’t going to make it better.  God’s demand isn’t going away.   Uncomfortable as it may be, you and I, God’s people must find some way to speak up.  But for what?  The jobs of the people depending on good sales this holiday season?  The business owners who need an income?  Or do we call out against consumerism and people’s desire to buy, buy, buy?

It is a treacherous world we followers of Christ are called to live in.

And so, what shall we do?  How shall we find ‘true life’ amongst our ‘stuff’?

The answers and the arguments reach beyond the limits of a one sided sermon but let’s start here.

Let’s start by giving thanks.  By at least acknowledging our barns are full up.  And remembering that it is God that provided.  By at least stopping in the next week to list what God has done for us. In detail.  So that we are humbled by the excess and lavish grace bestowed upon us.   The clothes on our back, the food in our stomach, the water we drink, the places we find shelter, the tasks and jobs we get to do, the income we use to provide for those around us, the gadgets and entertainment that delight and amuse us, the conversations that challenge us, the conveniences that ease our body, the healthcare and medicine that expands our life, the sound of a friends voice and the listening ear of one who cares, the art and poetry and music that fills our lives, by the quiet of rain and chirp of birds, the miracle of love and forgiveness, the wonder of creation…our lists go on and on…  Our barns are full up.  Give thanks.

May our prayer be that the sheer weight of gratitude presses in upon us so heavily that our only response is to let it burst forth from us. 

The Trouble with being Honest

I am having trouble writing a sermon that doesn't just rail upon American consumerism and yet takes this parable seriously.  It is just so much fun to point out sin.  (mine included)  This is the text (verss Christ the King lectionary text) due to a Thankoffering given by the Women of the ELCA--so the obvious direction is to go with thanksgiving.  God isn't looking for us to build larger barns, God would like us to say, "thank you."

Anyone with any ideas?  You have until 6am Sunday. 

Luke 12:13-21

The Parable of the Rich Fool

13 Someone in the crowd said to him, ‘Teacher, tell my brother to divide the family inheritance with me.’ ¹⁴But he said to him, ‘Friend, who set me to be a judge or arbitrator over you?’ ¹⁵And he said to them, ‘Take care! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of possessions.’ ¹⁶Then he told them a parable: ‘The land of a rich man produced abundantly. ¹⁷And he thought to himself, “What should I do, for I have no place to store my crops?” ¹⁸Then he said, “I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. ¹⁹And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.” ²⁰But God said to him, “You fool! This very night your life is being demanded of you. And the things you have prepared, whose will they be?” ²¹So it is with those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich towards God.’

Just Give Me Something to Eat

This might just be the rotten mood* that I am in, or my stage in life, or my generation, or my personality, or the books that I am reading...but increasingly, I just want a congregation that will feed me. I want to gather and be fed for service outside the congregation. I want a harbor in the storm. I want my time within my congregation to feel distinctively different than my life outside of it.

But for me, it seems congregational life just creates more work . More of the same concerns I have in other arenas. More meetings and circular conversations. More gossip and idle chitchat. More 'to do' lists that seem pointless.  More "stuff" for me to feel like I am inadequately completing.

There is already so much that I don't do in a day...and my congregation just adds things to that list, with the added perk of spiritual guilt.

For the record, I know many of these parties, celebrations, studies, service projects, etc. are very important to others. I get it. I even value it and uphold it. I know they serve a very important role in many people's lives.

Just not mine.

I don't care if our silverware doesn't match in the kitchen, I don't think the annual seasonal brunch is that vital to missional work of serving Christ, I don't want to bake things for another event...

Now it may just be that I want to yell, "I don't want to." at the top of my lungs.

Or it may be that we need to have a huge garage sale on our congregational practices and sell a bunch of parties, goals, priorities, events and expectations. Because they just don't get the actual job done. The work is out there. (picture me pointing out the doors of a traditional church building.)

God needs us to be Jesus, on the streets, in our car, with the clerks and servers, with our kids and family...out there. (my hands are now on my hips.)

I need my congregation to give me some food so I can do this. I'm hungry and baking more %$#@#@ cookies for a bake sale isn't going to fill me up.  Trust me, I am full up on carbs and empty calories.


*I have a cold.  I have a sermon to preach on Luke 12:13-21.  I have kids that are under the weather.

Not a Clue

I was cleaning out some files and came across this quote.  I haven't a clue as to who said it first...



Listen, I'm just a guy with a bad haircut from a small church you've never heard of, but I hope you'll listen to me for a moment because I have something important to say. When it comes to God, religion, spirituality, whatever you want to call it, ignore just about everything you see on television or in movies. If you are serious about making a spiritual connection with a power greater than ourselves, try the following suggestions:

• Let go of big things and embrace little things.
• Ignore loud things and listen for quiet things.
• Put aside obvious things and seek out hidden things.
• Forget easy things and learn hard and ancient things.
• Stop saving your life and start losing it.
• Let your thinking and believing become doing and serving.
• Quit trying to arrive and become at home on the journey.
• Lose your road maps and find a wise guide to walk with you.

Love the idea of God with all your heart, soul, mind, body, life, work, and strength. And while you're at it, try loving other people as much as you love yourself. You won't be able to do either of these, but trying will be very good for you.
Do these things all of your days and forever. Do these things

Restless Nights

The conversation I wrote about in my last post is still on my mind.  Constantly.  Then I began to wonder why I care so much.  Then my thoughts surrounding why I would care so much began to keep me up at night.

Now I am tired.  For many reasons.  But I am in hot pursuit of a Monday where we all have clean underwear and plates in the cabinets rather than stacked on the counter tops.

Strawmen

It is always good to be challenged.  Once, a long time ago, a woman I admired said that she always tries to be pushed to be more open, liberal, accepting of questions.  I took that to heart.  My parents also spent my teenage years trying to get their first born, traditionally minded daughter to see beyond her black and white parameters.  Perparing me for the gray that would surely cloud my vision.

Last night, I led a discussion on the nature of Jesus.  It was a pretty broad, scratch-the-surface conversation that started at the request of someone who read the book The Jesus Dynasty.  I haven't read the book and it isn't overly important to the conversation.  Except that it completely changed how this young person things about Jesus.  So I guess it is a little important.  The book would fall into the area of archeology and the search for the historical Jesus.

Knowing that the whole group would never read the book, I broadened the topic to Jesus' nature.  Billing the conversation as, Who do you say that I am?  I gave a brief introduction, saying how I wanted actual conversation, I hoped that when I spoke they wouldn't hear it as "the" answer or that they "had" to agree with me, etc.  Then I asked the question, Who do you say that Jesus is?

I said, that he was the one that brings me back from the dead and the one who assures me that God is for me and on my side.  (Incarnation and Resurrection)  I have a fairly 'high' view of Jesus Divinity.  (apparently.)

The next person to speak said, "Well, I think Jesus was a prophet.  I'm come to believe he was the best prophet but I don't think he was God."

My little, open minded, liberal, question embracing heart, stopped.  Just a little.  But it did.  Internally, I panicked.  While I believe as a pastor my job isn't to force people into faith or encourage everyone to see things just as I see them, for just a moment I felt like I had failed this person.  That I was getting a failed grade on my pastor test.  Part of me wanted to say a whole lot of words to get them to see Jesus from my viewpoint.  I wanted to argue and push and pick at the flaws in this thinking.

And all of a sudden, I really wished I hadn't given my "open minded, embrace the questions" introduction.  I hate having to live up to my own expectations.

So, I nodded and sat back.  and listened.

(I am going to leave this post here...a work in progress.)

Juggling

Books I am currently reading...will report on as requested.

What time?!

We had a fantastic Halloween...couldn't have been better.  Food, friends, candy, my favorite sugar cookies in the whole wide world.   But after a few hours of fun, EG was buzzing so badly that it was obvious we needed to be heading home.  Or at least strap her into something secure where she couldn't hurt herself or others. 

And, I was tired.  The day was done for us.  I felt good.  I felt like we had accomplished a lot.  I felt like we were grownups with friends and kids.  I felt connected to my place.  Then I looked at the clock when we got in to the car.  We were leaving our friend's house at 8:30pm.  Which, given the falling back, was really 7:30pm.
"Perhaps, I'm not as cool as I think I am." ran through my mind.

My min-van driving state of lame-ness was only reinforced when I heard how my parents and their friends spent halloween.  After passing out candy and eating dinner at a popular restaurant, they left a hip and trendy Uptown bowling alley at Midnight.  Then they went back to a friend's house for dessert and coffee.  My mom went to bed at 3:00am.

8:30pm.
3:00am.

Perhaps, life does get better with age.

My Kind Of Day

 

 

 Cookies for friends and neighbors.

I got the recipes from this site... inchmark.

 

Come December I will have been a mother for four years.  BB and I made invitations today.  It is a construction cone, not a candy corn (given the season I understand the mistake.)

I wish you days full of your greatest joys.

If Facebook Was Working...

these would have been my updates for the week.

got her newsletter article in with time to spare AND had actual activities planned.
(but just realized she missed the Sunday bulletin deadline.  Sigh. The secretary can't figure out to put things in from week to week without explicit direction.)

is really wondering why she needed to be at that meeting.

would like to start a fire under some people's bottoms.

enjoyed the museum field trip, but it made for a really chaotic day.

was so thankful for the final (?) fall picnic.  (really needs to cut back on trips to Panera.)

scheduling with cars require more communication with husband.  New tires will be nice.

enjoying a free morning to cook a meal for a family from church and their new baby.

took a trip to the children's museum on a rainy day.  Chipotle and free play...all good things.

not sure I want to tackle the turtle costume.  Kids keep waffling on what they want to be...some of their ideas are easier on me than others.

Whoa, Nellie...need to get a plan on for November and December.

I can't make this stuff up.

BB is following his sister around the playroom.  I am in the computer room and I can only hear what is going on.  I hear toys being tossed and moved around and EG chatting a little.  Then out of the blue, BB begins to ask EG, "What you thinking about God?"  (sentence goes up at the end and he is using his "teacher" voice.)  He continues to follow her around asking this question.  Over and over.  I don't hear her responding.  (Geez, when did my brother go to evangelism school?)

Then BB changes tactics.  "Want to praise him?" (really high voice, still an up talker)  He asks this a few times and then says, "Want to thank him for all those things we think about..."

"Are you thinking about giving him cookies?"

For the first time I hear her enter the conversation.  "Yes.  God give cookies."

"Where did I go?"

My husband's great aunt died on Friday morning.  She was 95 years old and is best remembered by me for these three things.
1. Hosting the most delightful lunch I've ever been to...
2. while serving the worst food ever.
3. Being a prolific letter writer.  She set the bar high.

She lived most of her life with her mother, my husband's Great Grandma Christine.  At this point I can not remember what she did for a profession but I believe she styled hair.  In her later years she moved back to her hometown but before she moved we visited her in the home my husband remembers visiting as a child.

As I said, it was the most delightful of visits.  She possessed an energy, humor and just a glimmer of mischief that is so rare in my husband's gene pool that any amount is gift rather than vice. At one point during our visit she talked about how she kept her mind sharp (she was about 86 when this took place) and demonstrated a "game" she played with herself.

Out of the blue she said to me, "Where did I go?"  ("ah, what do I do with this?" I wondered, trying keep up...my husband had no clue what was up so he was clearly no help.)
"I'm not sure...where are you?"  I offer, (probably using my voice reserved for my parishioners who are on the third go around of the same story.)
"He, he...it is kind of like 'I spy'.  I pretend that I pop into a photo or drawing and wander around thinking about what is happening.  I'm having fun where I am , so guess, where am I?"
"I don't know."
"He, he up there above your head.  Ooops, now I've popped over to that one."

Seriously, this is how it went.  I loved it. She was absolutely delightful.  (and, well, let's be honest, the woman couldn't cook, it really was the worst meal ever.  When I said this to my husband, he replied, "Were you there for that burnt Cornish hen thing?  Yep, that was me, although mine was raw.)

For the next nine years she would be our most reliable source for handwritten letters.  Long, detailed letters about what she was up to--church choir, hair styling at the nursing home, misc. church woman's events, travel to see her younger siblings...on and on.  She remembered our birthdays, she wrote in response to our letters, she sent out Christmas cards and gifts, she sent birth cards and gifts...and then about three years ago the letters began to repeat themselves.  Then about a year ago, they stopped all together.

I had meant to write her time and time again in the last year (although I heard that the mail confused her more than helped and added to her list of people to respond to.)  I thought of her often.

She was a delightful addition to my extended family and I will miss her.  Thankfully, we have shoeboxes full of letters.

Sermon Mark 10:35-45

I don't usually post until after I have preached, but what the heck...in one way or another this is what I am preaching tomorrow.
(for some reason the formatting isn't working as I would have it.  Sorry.)

Elizabeth was 15 when she first went to a hospital and her first visit was to see her grandmother.  As she walked down the halls her parents prepared her for what grandma would look like.  They talked about what stage three cancer meant to someone in their late 80’s.  Upon entrance in her grandma’s room, Elizabeth was overcome by this machines and lines attached to her grandma.  Her grandma was ever the realist, and within minutes of their sitting down, she had off offhandedly remarked that the “end was near” and that she was "going to go home to die.”  It was just shortly after Grandma said, that she was "looking forward to seeing her husband again soon", that Elizabeth, in a fit of adrenaline, asked if she could have her car.

In the weeks following this poorly worded visit, her grandmother will come to live with her and Elizabeth will inherit not only grandmother’s car, but many other lessons.  She will come to see her humor, her strength; she will achieve the perfect apple crisp, and dumpling soup.  She will sit and learn a bit about her family’s story as they flip through photo albums.  Years later she will remain a bit embarrassed by her flippant remark, but her true inheritance remains her source of greatest joy.  It grounds her to her past and guides who she wishes to be in life.

While we all know it is inevitable, we all handle death differently.  Perhaps the most unsettling is those moments when people are honest about it.  Direct and forthright.  Most of us would rather live in denial or, are just so busy with life to ponder anything else. 

We might grant the disciples some grace…when we meet up with them today in Mark’s gospel.  They are somewhere outside Jericho, just over 30 miles from their destination of Jerusalem…Jesus will heal a blind man and then he will enter Jerusalem for the last time.  For the third time he has told his beloved what the plan is.  Again, he tells of how he will turn the world upside down.  The last shall be first.  The first will be slaves.  Rich shall be like children.

He’s talking to his disciples about his death and they are asking if they can have the family car.

Jesus, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.  Who among hasn’t prayed that prayer?

Who among us hasn’t made that demand?  Who among us hasn’t fallen into the theological trap that tries to tell us Christianity is only about getting into heaven?

We want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.  What is it you want me to do for you?

What do we want?  What shall we ask for today?

To be right?  To live longer?  To have more love?  To be more popular?  To get ahead?  To be God’s favorite?

We don’t know what we are saying anymore than those sons of Zebedee did…James and John, perhaps jazzed up on adrenaline, can’t take in what Jesus has said.  In verse 33 Jesus tells them that they are going to Jerusalem and the Son of Man will be handed over to the chief priest and he will be condemned to death.  He will be mocked, spit on, flogged, and killed.  And in three days he will rise again.  

It isn’t the first time they have heard such a claim.  No matter how many times he tells them…they just can’t wrap their minds around it.  …it really isn’t something you can understand.  Until it happens.  And even then you can only process it by faith.  No wonder they skip over the claim…I’ll cut them some slack and assume it was some coping mechanism that wouldn’t allow them to fully understand what death would mean to them.  After all, I get self centeredness.  I understand jumping right to how a situation will impact me…verses fully staying with the moment.  Thinking about how it affects others, or the larger picture.  I get that.

Jesus pushes them a bit further.  Are you able to drink the cup that I drink?  Can you really walk in my shoes?  “Oh, yes…yes.”  Perhaps it is denial like I have suggested or perhaps it is sure and certain faith that whatever comes, Jesus will be in charge, and that is enough to make them sign up.

What they miss is that Jesus isn’t just preparing them for the logistics of the coming days.  He’s handing down their inheritance as well.

Jesus isn’t leaving the world the same way he found it.  It isn’t just a matter of the bad people being kicked out, or the unjust getting their punishment.  It isn’t that Jesus’ followers will take over in wealth, prosperity and power.  They won’t simply slip in to the seats of the previous rulers and kings.

We want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.  “Ok,” Jesus says, “ok…you can have what is coming to you, my beloved children, my faithful followers…you may have your inheritance.”

Is everyone fed?  Do those children have coats?  Have you stopped by the nursing home?  Or the shelter?  How are the cancer patients?  How about that group that came down with malaria?  HIV?  Are you listening to the questions people are asking?  Have you looked beyond your backyard?  Are babies still growing up in orphanages?  Are teens still giving themselves away to drugs and alcohol and their boyfriends and girlfriends?  My beloved, does everyone have what they need?  Do they know…do they know they are loved?

This, this life of service and being bound to the other, it is yours.  It is what Jesus gives us.  As gift.  As power—new and different as it is.  It is ours.

Yes, yes, I know.  We’d rather have the family car.  Even if your family’s car didn’t offer prestige or power it always had in implied message of freedom and doing whatever you wanted.

But that’s not what Jesus is offering us.  Christianity isn’t about getting what we want.  It isn’t about getting ahead.  It isn’t about who you know.  It isn’t an insurance policy to protect us from sin, or mistakes or illness…or death.  It doesn’t keep us from messing up or hurting people.  It isn’t even solely about getting into heaven.

It is about finding our way back to who we were created to be in the first place.  It is about being connected to our God who created us and knows us and longs for us to be healthy.  It is about having purpose and intentionality.  It is about being connected….to each other, to strangers, to friends and family, to the earth…to God.

And what God gives us, is a new world order.  Our inheritance is the gift of knowing our place in the world…

We can’t help but hear servant, slave through the filter of our culture and context.  I can’t help but pastorally to offer this disclaimer…Jesus isn’t calling you accept abuse, or to stay in a violent controlling situation, God didn’t create you for that...But our place in the world isn’t as center star, either.

The way the world is, isn’t the way it will be.  But our inheritance remains, and it is given for each of us.  Consider the other.  Listen when someone speaks.  Look at what they need.  Focus your time not on your anxiety or fear, but on what is holding others back from being who God created them to be.

Inheritances can be life changing.  They can root us to the past and give us a more secure future.  They also help us understand who we are.  What we come from can shape who we will be.  You and I share an inheritance…one that reminds us…

That we drink from the same cup, we are baptized in the same waters and we servants of each other…we collect this gift at the foot of the cross.  Working and waiting for the world to turn upside down.

Kids Hide

I was reminded today of a little girl, no more that four or five, who caused an bit of a stir in her neighborhood once. 

You see, she was tired. She found a nice bag of potting soil and placed her head upon it. She curled up outside.  The birds chirped around her.  The breeze gently rocked the blanket above her.  The sunshine warmed the little fort room she had found.  She slept.

Outside her mother searched frantically.  Neighbor doors were knocked.  Men began to search the street.  They called out for her.  Too much time passed.  After awhile they feared the worst.

Then someone went through the backyard one more time.  Someone with a mind like a child.  He, too, saw the fort and lifted the blanket to looked under the jungle gym.

He reached in and woke a girl who only knew that she was sleepy.

Re-entry

A week ago today, I flew to my home state of Minnesota. Many months ago two of the bloggers I read both posted that they would be speaking at this conference. Right then and there I decided I would be attending. I may or may not have discussed it with my husband...my memory is a little fuzzy on that point. And as grace would have it every logistical decision fell into place. Plane flights, car rides, friends and family schedules...it all clicked. So much so that my Norwegian spirit had me convinced the plane would crash. No one gets to have it this good, do they?

I stayed with my godfather and while the loss is palpable, it was also obvious we are finding a new normal. I drove her car. I tried on clothes and stuffed my suitcase. I saw my parents. I strolled the places I love. I drove familiar roads. I spent time with a friend who knows my back story. Knew me when. And I attended a conference.

I haven't been at a professional conference in three years. I couldn't have been more isolated from the conference attendees if I had been Hindu. In fact that might have actually worked better. Let's just say no one else was wearing a pink turtleneck from Talbots circa 2000. While my vibe in new settings is often "stay away." I have matured and could have talked with others. I really was open to the idea...but no one spoke to me. I spoke to no one.

(except for an awkward stalking of one my favorite bloggers...but I'm going to put that out of my mind in hopes that she forgets we ever met.)

What is ironic to me is that this group of people who speak so lovely and passionately about the church opening up have created for themselves a network of insiders, a culture that has its own 'type and stereotype.' The event was created in some part, for friends, by friends and it felt that way. It seemed everyone knew everyone else. And upon further investigation some very "big" names were there...I just thought they were people staffing tables and organizing registration.

In every other circle I walk in, I have power. I am in the know. I know the person who knows the person. People even know who I am and what I am capable of.

This white, female, denominationally rooted, married, child bearing, pastor was on the outside looking in.

The conference was outstanding. The reminder of how "church" feels to those on the other side was an added benefit.

See, it was a good weekend. Thank God that plane didn't crash.

What must I do?

My report back from the Sabbatical Weekend begins with instruction to head over to Sarcastic Lutheran to check out her sermon from yesterday.

Do you want to hear about...

when I realized members of my youth group are 27 years old?

how I decided not to report how many people attended events at church in my council report?

how much I love watching tv on the internet? (this would include my thoughts on how tv is letting me down this season.)

the realization and subsequent mourning over the fact my baby is my last one...and that she's not a baby?

how my friend almost outed this blog? (and what blogging in private means)

You tell I what you want to hear about. ;) (not a grammatical typo, a favorite phrase BB uses...)

All is well with my life.

The same can not be said for many of my friends. Giving thanks for how we have enough strength for each other in our own time. Without these people in my own life during past phases, I could never have written out the heading to this post. Hoping to be of some use and comfort.

Be kind, because everyone you come across is fighting a great battle.

On any given day...

this is what my living room looks like. Apparently, it is a camp ground. BB could tell you what each item is (meant to be). He had to move a "lamp" to find a place for EG to sit. Both EG and I looked at him with patient curiosity. "ah, what lamp?"

Turns out that her fisher price play house was doing double time as a "lamp" in this campground. And apprently it was very heavy because it took him a looooonnnnngggg time to lift it. (Remember this was moved so that EG could have a place to sit.)

Trying not to see a mess I need to clean up (or rather, enforce clean up of) and give thanks for such imagination.

Five on Friday

1. I'm happy for Rio.
2. Is any one actually shocked that David Letterman had sex with co-workers? (beyond the fact they had sex with David Letterman.)
3. I completely fell off the exercise wagon this week.
4. My mind went blank when a parishioner wondered why it was important for Jesus to be fully divine as well as fully human.
5. I am behind on thank you notes.

Concern

It should be noted that no one has expressed concern over the fact I went hunting for tp in my holiday decorations.

Concern has been expressed over the fact I found these decorations cute in the first place.

To that concern I offer this defense...think batiked/beautiful fall fabric and a real wood stem. It all gets better. (also we put newspaper around the tp roll so it wasn't so "I used a roll of toilet paper to make this.") This photo was merely placed there to add some color and help for the visual learners among us.


p.s. BB just walked in and with the most sincere voice said, "Pumpkins! Hoooow diiid they DO that?" He likes them.

Say it ain't so

Today I put up some of the fall decorations. In my search, I was looking for a pumpkin project that we made at Mops last year. While I don't usually keep the crafts from Mops, I liked this one and figured I had kept it.

It was made from a fall fabric fat quilting square, a roll of toilet paper, and a dowel or thick stick. You wrap the quilt square up on the tp roll, sticking the ends into the top hole. Then you place the dowel or stick in the top for the stem. Easy. Cute. I could not find mine.


Ours were actually cuter than these.

Here is my fear.

As I was searching through my seasonal shelves, this thought came to me..."I wonder if we ran out of tp and I just decided to use this roll."

Good-NESS. Where would that thought come from if some part of it wasn't true? Had it really come to this? Tell me that I wasn't this bad off? Mining the fall craft decor for basic human essentials. I was potty training BB this time last year...EG was 7 months old. I can't rule out much, can I?

The other option is, of course, that my husband took it to The Goodwill. I don't think so. Nothing on my shelves has ever disappeared without my permission and knowledge.

I fear what has become of this pumpkin. I really hope for all our sake's that I find it.

The alternative is just too sad.

From a chapter on Sin and Children

From Faith's Wisdom for Daily Living by Herbert Anderson and Bonnie Miller-McLemore
pg.42-43

...saying that children are sinful does not inevitably lead to their punishment, even if this is how some Christians have mistakenly interpreted the tradition. Seeing children as fragile moral and spiritual creatures can also potentially enhance adult empathy and accountability. Adults can no longer discount children and their obligations to them by surrounding themselves with picture of cuddly, unblemished, blissful infants. Instead, adults must take the labor of protecting and raising children a great deal more seriously.

...Equally crucial, human error and imperfection is endemic to good parenting. Care of children asks much of us, and there is plenty of failure. What parent hasn't yelled rather than understood, flailed rather than sustained patience, forced rather than invited, and stumbled along in all the other ways adults infringe on the full personhood of a child and damage right relationship with children? Acknowledging this helps discourage the perpetual cultural myth of the perfect parent. The prevalent push in psychology to figure out why children turn out the way they do is paralleled by an obsession in self-help literature and talk shows to perfect children and parenting.

Recognizing the utter reality of sin and failure just might help avert this prominent temptation and renew appreciation of the value of time-tested religious practices of self examination, confession, repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation and hope as absolutely essential to family life.

Failures are not occasions for despair or unrelenting guilt, shame and punishment. They instead are cause for deeper awakening, remorse, reparation, compassion and formation. Recognizing sin in children and adults allows us to quit pursuing perfection of children or parenting and more readily accept our shortcomings and pursue amends and grace.

Grateful

+for friends from all the times in my life. Via the wonder of FB, I am connected with nearly everyone who had a real hand in shaping my life today. Decades later, I am thankful for them and proud of who they have become.
+cooler weather. SWEATERS!!
+EG and BB played together for nearly an hour yesterday without need for a referee or bandages.
+green apples
+the ability to drive through starbucks.
+gifts to share the gospel
+a faith in grace and unconditional love
+my husband
+a home that I don't actually want to leave
+the freedom and resources/support to leave town for three days
+improved health and reemerging muscles.
+television shows on the internet
+fall colors
+a full calendar

A Sampling

+bought jeans today that completely fit the "mom jean" description.
+was compared to Sally Field (who is totally gorgeous, but is 63 years old.)
+BB would like to marry EG. "You and Daddy are married, so I will marry EG." Will explain how that won't work later.
+I am, once again, trying to limit my carb intake. It was suggested by my endocrinologist that the Atkins diet works well for hypothyroidism.
+our car smells like rotten milk. EG spilled vanilla milk all over herself and I think it is soaked into the car seat. The people who make car seat covers have never had children. Or at least their children are neat. EG's carseat requires a screwdriver to get the cover off. How dumb is that?
+I am becoming overwhelmed by holiday plans. Most just expectations for myself. Home decorating, homemade gifts, cards, etc. But the actual details of where, what, who are sneaking in as well.
+amazed at how hard it is to intentionally have a plan each day and make choices that end up with a productive result. I am so not a self motivated person. I need a boss.
+"have" to compete in a bake-off at Mops. Don't really want to.
+got up late today. Such a bad idea.
+am thoroughly disappointed in my tv shows as they debute...anyone else? Or was I just more in need of escape last season so I'd watch anything?

Remaining Bendy

Most of the reason I joined the gym (again) was for the yoga. They offer it at an hour I can get to. I was also pleased that my favorite instructor is back teaching. This morning she asked if I was new to yoga and I said 'No, I use to take a class with you..." then it hit me. Two years ago. To a part of me it was just a month or so ago. To the other parts, the more ligament, muscle and fat cell parts of me, the two year gap was obvious.

Oh, wow, was I one stiff kid. I've been walking/running/stair mastering for a few weeks now...muscle is starting to grow. But I haven't stretched as well as I could/should be...something just as vital to the growth and health of my body as cardiovascular health and fat burning.

Last week, I joined my congregation in realizing how stiff our spiritual practices can become as well. We can go through the motions over and over, even gather some holy encounters with God and community along the way, but it is only when we have to stretch ourselves that we realize how stuck we had become.

The praise band had the idea to create a backwards worship service to coincide with the text Mark 9:30-37. The first shall be last and the last shall be first.

I'm ok with worshiping in new ways. I even like more tactile experiences in worship. Which is where I will make the case for 'higher' church worship, verses less liturgical styles, but that is a digression from this entry. This said, I was less than excited about this idea.

First, I didn't think it fit the actual text very well. I still think this idea would be best suited to a text or a sermon about uncertainty, remaining open to the Holy Spirit...but it worked and others could tweak the service more to make it an even better experience.

Second, I have very little authority or investment in worship planning at this congregation. Nor do I have influence over much beyond my small group ministry, so any congregation-wide education or deepening of discussion wasn't up to me.

All that said, it was a fun morning and people liked it. Ok, they liked it once they had gone through it.

If you think over worship in reverse, communion comes *boom* right away. I reversed the liturgy in blocks rather that individual phrases. Once we got to communion we still started it with the Great Thanksgiving...I wasn't going to consecrate empty plates or distribute bread and wine before we had prayed over it, etc. As distribution was taking place all you could hear was a dull hum and clucking of very confused people. It was almost comical, although at this point I felt the weight of worship leadership upon me. It was my sole job to keep this service as meaningful as possible. I was keenly aware of people's piety and the fact it could seem that we were just "goofing around" with the sacraments.

As I cleared up the altar and after the blessings I think I said something to the effect of "This meal of forgiveness is for you, no matter when you receive it." An off the cuff attempt to ease people's anxiety.

As I sat down in the front pew for a song, I could hear the murmur of a usually quiet and respectful group. The concrete walls didn't help. One comment floated up above the rest, "Well, they are going to have to explain this in the sermon." If people were quiet their anxiety came out in movement. Everyone, except the kids I might add because the adults were now making them look downright catatonic, everyone, was wiggling in their seats. Or crossing their legs. Or picking their nails. Or drumming on the pew.

The rest of the service went well enough. By the time the sermon rolled around they were more at ease, and after what was going on was 'named' for them, the mood was palpably lighter.

In the end, people came away with an appreciation for how often we just go through the motions of liturgy...let alone life. While no one, except the crazy band who started it, wants to do it again, everyone realized stretching won't kill you. It might even make you stronger.

Just Stay

My sister has been in town. This story best sums up how much fun we have had with her around.

This morning she learned that some pipes at her house burst and destroyed their recently redone basement. You can imagine the phone calls between her husband as they sort through the mess.

BB listened to all the calls and conversations with his usual interest and attention to detail.

As we drove home from lunch later in the day, he was quiet. Out of the quiet he said, with the sweetest purity, "Say, Aunt Hil, if your house is really broken...you know you could always just stay here with us."

And both my sister and I teared up.

There is going to be some serious love withdrawal around here tonight.

Introverts. Why can't you be more like me?

Dear 'I's of the world.
You drive me a bit batty.

Your silence and quiet thought fuels every insecurity I have. I know enough about you to know you'd rather be at home alone. But here you are with me and I don't know what to do with you.

I thought I was over this personality insecuirty. And I was, but your silence creates too much noise in my head and you wear me down. I thought I was ready for it tonight.

Not so much.

What the extrovert is thinking while the introvert is silent at dinner: (Mind you the words are being spoken out loud while the extrovert is thinking these thoughts..)

"Are you racking your brain trying to think of something to say? Do you have nothing to say? You hate me right? What I just said drove you further into thought, and now I'll never get you back. Am I talking too much? Are you content to have me carry the conversation or do you enjoy the silence? Ask a question, any question. Have you even come up with what you want? What all is going on in your head--share some of the fun. Come on, give me something."

Ok, I had to get that out of my system...after all I'm an ENFJ.

Sleep Isn't Worth it.

For the last two weeks I have been trying to get up and go to the gym. I have actually done it the majority of the days. Today, my husband had to be at a meeting early so it seemed helpful for me to stay home so he could get ready without the kids needing things. I also fell in to old habits last night and felt like an extra hour of sleep would help.

Wrong.

I need the adrenaline. I need to coffee I pick up on the way home. I need the feeling of accomplishment.
Tuesday morning went like this:
5am-up and in car to gym
worked out (did you know 100s of people are up and lifting weights at this hour? crazy.)
6:30am on my way home with coffee.
Then shower, feed, laundry, dress, clean up kitchen, check email, organize errands.
8:20 in car to school
8:30 on way to office
9:00 working on bulletin board
9:30 at mom's group (a half hour late, but that's another story)

Productive, right?

Today:
Slept until 7am.
Baseball hat on head, "hurry, hurry, hurry, kids!" Had to push BB much faster than he likes. He's frustrated. EG destroyed a wood block creation he made...then hit him with a block. He's upset. (rightfully so) "Hurry, hurry, hurry, no time to ponder how to fix broken creation. MOVE!" Wants shoes with socks. So behind that socks put me over the edge..."NO, SOCKS." "Mom?" "Fine. Get the socks."
He puts on socks. I spray his Dennis the Menace hair with water and brush. He freaks out because I got water on his legs (can we say power trip?) I then swoop in with my evil plan to rid his face of crusty yogurt. More screaming. Get the screams under control. Shoes on. Then I notice he has snot coming across his face after said crying. He goes to wipe it on shirt. "NOOOOOOO!!!!" (why do I actually care?) "We don't wipe snot on our clothes." More crying. More crying.

8:20 in car to school.
8:22 in school parking lot. Shake off dance is invented. I tell BB that he and I will do this dance and start the morning over. We both wiggle and shake our heads. Giggle. Hugs.

Must. get. up. Not. an. option. The next hour of sleep was in no way worth it.

Backwards...

This Sunday the congregation where I serve is worshiping in reverse...or backwards...or the last piece of the liturgy is coming first. However you phrase it, it will be different for the congregation. I thought I'd share one piece of the service. Credit for some of it goes to my friend Jennie. Thank you as always.

This piece will be at the very end. I have an odd distain for litanies but this is how things are done so I didn't rock the boat too much. (just turned it around another direction)

Call to Worship

P: Worship today had a new order. For some of us it added to the excitement of the worship service, we enjoyed experiencing worship in a new way…

C: for others it was odd, confusing and at times frustrating.

P: We are each creatures of habit after all. We like things to turn out the way we think they should.

C: We like people to behave the way we think they should.

P: Jesus reminds us today, that if we are bothered by things like the offering coming after communion, or the announcements coming at the end of worship…

C: the Kingdom of God is really going to shake us up.

P: Jesus reminds us,

C: Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all. We are called to welcome the least, embrace the lost and serve the one we'd least expect to.

P: Greatness isn’t found by getting the order right, or by being perfect, or finding all the answers

C: Our greatness is measured by how we love each other. By how we serve each other.

P: And, that my friends, never has a clear order…it can be odd, confusing and at times frustrating

C: But it is what God has called us to do…welcome the unknown, embrace the stranger and through the chaos, we will be drawn closer to God.