A Work in Progress...

I don't like going to church.

There, I said it.

I'm working very hard right now to figure out if I don't like going to the church we belong to, if it is being a parishioner, or if my frustration stems from trying to worship with three children.

A few weeks ago I sat in on a seminar aimed at creating a child loving church.  There were good reminders.
+ clean, safe nursery
+signs at kid level
+activity bags
+tables in fellowship hall for kids
+budget for new children's books
Lots of solid ideas.  Many congregations fall behind, some excel, most settle somewhere in the middle.  I've always been apart of those congregations that fall somewhere in the middle. Solid places with room for improvement.

While I believe most people in congregations mean to love children, I think they really love children as a means to attract their parents.

Which leads me back to my worship apathy.  While I can never fully discount my unhappiness of not being the one planning and leading worship, I've been out of the "loop" for seven years now.  I made peace with the pew a few years ago. 

One of the many things I will take from this time as a full time parishioner is that it is a lot of work to worship with children.  I don't mean that in a whiny, "my kids just don't behave" way.  I mean it is a lot of work to fulfill the promises I made at my children's baptism, experience any amount of spiritual renewal or prayer for my own faith life, AND keep the kiddos from becoming too loud and disruptive.

In the notes a friend and I were taking at the child loving church seminar I wrote, "child loving vs. child centered?"  It seems to me we are a child centered culture and at some point we the congregation have the responsibility to model the body of Christ--where not one part is more important than the other.  I want to walk the balance between teaching my children to worship (so they stay with me during worship) while actually getting something from worship myself (sending them to the nursery).  I want to walk the line between helping them love worship (making it fun) and teaching them how to behave while in worship (basic discipline and education on what I expect).

On any given week I will participate in one hymn and communion.  The rest of the time I will be out of the sanctuary, walking the halls with LP or taking EG to the bathroom or taking one of them out for a reminder on how to behave.  For six years I have been fairly happy to do this, telling myself it is a long process to teach a child how worship works.  (and that sitting still for 60 plus minutes isn't really developmentally appropriate).

This is hard to write without more specifics, but I don't want to be too critical of my congregation.

But at some point I realized that I really dreaded going to worship.  I dreaded finding the right outfit to wear.  I dreaded having my kid's clothes clean and ironed.  I wasn't interested in the fight to get them to wear church clothes.  I became angry at the constant cries about not liking church (BB).  I rolled my eyes at yet another piece of the liturgy I couldn't see the point to.  I was eager to leave during yet another sermon that fell flat. I never got to pray or have a moment of silence because the kids needed to be corrected or taught.  I uttered the words, "I just don't see the point."  I became one of those people who said, "I didn't get anything from worship." 

Here's where life in my head gets complicated...
+All the while knowing it wasn't all about me and my feelings.
+Fully aware that worship could be done better.  But yet not wanting to undermine colleagues.
+Overcome with loyalty to a place and a group of people I joined.
+Frustrated that others, for whom faith isn't as much of a 'given', were probably feeling the same way...and they weren't hanging in there.  They were leaving.

As a parent of a small children, I have a few changes that could be made within my congregation's worship to help out my experience, but it hit me today that what my children really need is for worship to be so nourishing that their parents have to come.  Whatever worship offers it has to overcome the dull roar of small children, sleep deprivation and a weekly to do list.  It has to be more than what I can get from a conversation with a friend at Starbucks.  It has to give me more energy and drive than a 6 mile run will.  It needs to unite me to something larger than my favorite sports team or my immediate family's needs.

It isn't that we shouldn't look at the church from the eyes of a child or welcome the children, but sometimes I think we get lost and only serve to mirror back the parent's worship of their child verses a united faith community loving God and serving each other.

I don't like going to church.

Feeling this way makes me tired and cranky.  Because I've been to good church in my life time.  (borrowing a phrase from my brief stint down south).  I've heard sermons so rich and meaty that I am still digesting them.  The bread and wine of God's grace always fulfills God's promise...week in, week out, regardless of my mood.  I know all of this.  I also know too many others don't know what they are missing nor do many know what they could have.

I don't really know what to do about it.  Except wait.  Wait for two more weeks--when I worship as a pastor, with no children.  But that answer doesn't seem very satisfying.