Last week in passing conversation someone asked if I was friends with Jill.* The woman inquiring had noticed on FB that Jill and I were FB 'friends.' In the moment I said that we went to church together. I couldn't tell if the person asking and Jill were super close friends but she quickly sought out another topic to try to connect with me about.
I have this need, and it feels like a recent and increasing need, to find more words to describe my relationships with people. Shock and Wonderment I want more 'boxes' and 'labels' on people. I don't mean it in the 'foxes' and 'javelina' way the GCB used it last week. (do you watch that show? I doubt you do. Think mean girl labels.) For me it is more about needing an increased vocabulary and honoring the depth of relationships.
It seems odd to me that I use the term 'friend' for both the women I sit next to in a mom's group but yet never contact outside of that hour, and women I speak to hourly. I struggle if I should use the word 'friend' when I talk to someone every day, I know most of what they did that day but I have no knowledge of how they'll vote in the election or if they have siblings or how they feel about recycling. I use 'friend' to retell an event to my husband about the woman whose child is in my son's class and the woman who watches my children while I am at the hospital having a c-section.
And I'm not in junior high, so I can't with a straight face say to someone, "She's my best friend." I can clarify with tone or hint at the depth of our friendship by stressing the length of time we've known each other. I can place for the other person how I met the person..."Oh, yeah she's in my yoga class on Tuesdays." or "Our families went on vacation together." But I can't call someone my 'bestie' or 'BFF.' Even if they are. It seems like language from my younger years when I thought there would be one person who would be my closest, dearest friend. always.
Of course this isn't true. I've had many, many best friends over the years. For any given need or topic or event I have my go to person. There is a hand full of kindred spirits...but the group keeps growing with each passing decade.
We need more words because I also don't mean to infer how I feel about a person fro my description of our relationship. Acquaintance can seem too cold; a friend, too warm. In the case of Jill, when I said "we go to church together", I think the woman might have understood it to mean not only didn't I know her well, I didn't care much for her. That isn't always the case...it is a rare instance that I don't 'like' someone (see, not in junior high...). I don't understand where a lot of people are coming from. I don't agree with some things they have said. I worry a bit about others. I may not have had any interaction with them except to share air in the same room. I may have a gut feeling that I'm not going to enjoy them or they could hurt my feelings and so I protect myself a bit...but I can't say, "Oh, I don't like them."
We need more words people...
...the person in your exercise class who you talk to every week. She has seen you sweat and try to reach your toes. There's a certain intimacy there that needs to acknowledged.
...the person in your small group at church. She sees you week in and week out. She probably knows your kids and your husband. You are united in faith and by the Body of Christ. That merits some honor and clarification.
...the person who has known you since third grade. You may never talk to her but she knows who you were and who you have become. The longevity of that friendship must be admired.
...the person who shows up on a moments notice to help when you need it. The one who you text about random thoughts and the one who knows by looking at you how the day is really going. There's a word for her and it is deeper than 'friend.'
...the person who you know through work or field of study. The one who gets your inside jokes about work. The one whose side commentary is sprinkled throughout your class notes. You've gone through intense training with her and found lots to bond over along the way.
...the person who your kids adore. The one who has kids who you adore. The person whose kids love your kids. You may only have kids in common at first but along the way your kids help you find each others unique gifts.
Blessed are we when many people fit most of these descriptions. I'm grateful for this place and this time where connections and relationships have sprouted and grown, many have even blossomed. I've lived here long enough that they are starting to connect and tangle in delightful ways. We still need more words. Sophisticated words that bring us out of the junior high girls we once were and acknowledge the women we have all become.
Crony Buddy Chum Compadre Confidant Alter ego Emerging Friend Kindred Spirit Mentor
How do you clarify this? Or is it just me?
*Jill is not her real name.
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