On the Walk Through Grief...

As this year of anticipatory grief went on I experienced, all of the emotions people are "suppose" to have. Anger, sadness, loss of interest, denial...questions of faith.

One expects, and inevitably accepts, that great-grandparents and grandparents die in their 80's or 90's. It is sad but that sadness is manageable because it is how the cycle of life goes. My godmother died a good 30 years too soon for my liking. I've written before about my anger at God and given much thought to what faith looks like when you and God aren't really on good terms.

I remember during CPE standing face to face with a friend as we professed our absolute faith in God's presence in our lives. No doubts. This story we proclaim is true and real. No uncertainties in the promises God have made to us. We weren't being arrogant, rather thankful for this gift we both shared in the face of so many patients that had doubts.

I see now that perhaps, mine at least, was ill tested. In the following years I would learn first hand what faith looks like in the face of illness, death, addiction, depression, and economic struggle--some came in my own life, most of it in the lives of parishioners. But never did I question my own health and well being.

I now harbor this odd statement in my mind and heart: So, God really does let bad things happen to really, really good people. God really doesn't hold me up as a someone who won't be touched by tragedy. My idyllic life up until now was just, what, a phase? Huh? huh. And if this is true...what's next?

Part of me now lives in vulnerability, waiting for the other spiritual test to arrive. This isn't an all consuming thought...it is merely a new whisper in the back of my mind. It is a new and unfamiliar filter.

In the years to come, as I weave her life into my own and her story becomes one that fills me with joy rather than the current bittersweet after taste of a life too short, I see that this doubt and fear may be a helpful one as I enter other people's journey. It may also be helpful in encouraging me to give thanks and be grateful for the day ahead of me and the people surrounding me.

Someday, may that be the case.