Everything Happens For a Reason

A week before school started I began looking for a red backpack which EG used and now LP would begin to take to school with him.  After turning the house upside down and shaking it, hard, I couldn't find the backpack.

A few weeks later a group of four library books could not be found.  These lost items continued to be part of our family conversations up until this week.

On Tuesday, I posted something on Facebook saying I needed to find these items.  It was one final declaration of defeat.  I was headed to the library to pay the fines and clear my name.  (I had managed to keep them 'renewed' so I didn't owe overdue fines, but had given up on finding the books and wanted them off my mental list.)

Instead of heading right to the library, I decided to stop and check out some accent chairs I had my eye on.

The Husband and I had looked at some other chairs over the weekend and the price (and size) was too large for the room we are working on. With that price dancing through my mind I went to the design shop "just to check on" the accent chairs I had passed by earlier in the fall.

The pleasant interior designer greeted me and I asked about my chairs.  I was prepared for them to be custom furniture, with fabric options and a hefty price tag.  She went on to tell me they were some "estate finds" that she had re-purposed.  In fact, she had just written up an article about these exact chairs for a local women's newspaper.  Then she quoted the price.  It was wellllll below what I had prepared myself for and even within my "just get them" budget (insofar as this well discussed room project would go).  Giddy with design joy, I said I would take them!  She was happy.  I was happy and even LP seemed pleased by the whole exchange.

But I had to move somethings around in the car before I could transport my new found love.  I unhooked a car seat and flipped down two seats in my minivan.  Giddy, and now a bit sweaty, I flipped up the final seat.

Guess what I found?  A red backpack and three library books!!*  Just like that!  I have no understanding of how they got into this particular place after our summer vacation, but seven and five year-olds can be very inventive.  Not to mention, forgetful.

I shared my every increasing joy with the design lady and bundled up my new chairs.  I paid her and took off.  I was so in love.  So excited.

But love and excitement can be blind.

One day these chairs will serve as a sermon illustration about how love is blind.  Sometimes that blindness can be helpful, when we overlook flaws to see the deeper qualities of a person (or chair) but other times that blindness can serve to keep us from seeing the deeper truth about a situation (or chair), the deep brokenness of someone (or chair.)  I'll wrap up the sermon by talking about how God sees both our brokenness and our deeper qualities and in spite of both, loves us.

But that is a sermon for another day.  Today, I just want to say, my love for the possibility of a finished room/project and my joy over the lines of the chairs, blinded me to the larger truth about their qualities.

The minute they got into my house they became ugly.  And, they only got uglier as the day went on.  It hit me that I hadn't negotiated with the designer.  AT. ALL.  I realized I wanted to change the paint color.  Deep down I had always known that the seat cushions were all wrong for my design vision.  (we have paint and fabric picked out)  Then a much more wise person--from a photograph!--noticed some structural flaws in the chairs.  Major structural flaws.

Blind. Love.

By the time my husband saw them, I had called the designer and told her they would be coming back.

In between the time the scales on my eyes had fallen off, and I called the woman, I had a very small, but very real anxiety attack over how I would disappoint this very nice stranger.  I was overcome with panic about having to confront her about the ever-growing-ugly chairs.  I was embarrassed and overwhelmed by my epic failure in adult shopping.

And, after all, God had used her to help me find my backpack and library books.  I hope she understood as she refunded my money.

It makes for a good story.

Well, worth the price of a reminder lesson on Love's blindness.

Here is a photo of one of the chairs.  My heart no longer feels anything for them.

(well, that's not completely true...love is blind and hard to shake.)

Which Direction

Blissful silence fills my home.  On Friday, two kids headed off to school.  LP and I are enjoying our days-running errands, giggling, using the vacuum and doing laundry.  It is amazing how good it feels to accomplish something.

Today is a glorious sunny day, hotter than it was in July, but a welcome reminder of summer's pace.  I have laundry started, the kitchen will wait and a sermon rattling around in my brain.  Yet, the patio chairs call to me.  I haven't been to the library for a few weeks so my reading selection is low.  I dug around and found two books I started back in June but haven't finished.  They are both work related.  I am reading them with the back thought of whether I could make a discussion group out of them and I think that makes me less interested.

And, then, the September issue of Vogue arrived in today's mail.  (I don't know when I subscribed to Vogue but it may have been a freebie sign up?  Or my brother's doing?)

That would be, Rob Bell's, "What We Talk About When We Talk About God", Shauna Niequist's, "Bread and Wine." and a two inch copy of fall fashion.

It is crazy in my brain, thanks for asking.

I wonder what I crack open first?

Grateful.

I hadn't fully realized how much time had lapsed between blog posts over the past nine months.  I wasn't aware you could measure the cliche of "time flies" by scanning this blog.  It feels as if I just wrote that story down, or that it was "just yesterday" we did that project.  But, 'nope.' Time has moved quickly and I choose not to document it.  Many a day I was itching to write but never got to it.  Other times I held back, unsure of what would come of my words.  Most of the time I was simply just trying to keep us all alive.  Priorities.  Such a bummer.

We have a kindergartener and a second grader and a two year old.  EG and LP still slay my heart when I think of how the days have flown by.  My best guess is that when they are so young, there are so few days from their time with me, which I remember-with the hazy baby and toddler days being a blur of chaos and hormonal delusion.

But those stages have all passed.  Hormonal delusion will only come now in the normal waves it has always arrived on.

I am finishing up my best summer in seven years.  Equal parts acceptance, hard work and low expectations are given credit for making it a success.

But in two short weeks we are back to a schedule and a quicker pace.  I think we are all ready.  This new school year affords me four hours a week with no children.  I have plans made for dentist appointments, a massage, a haircut, another doctor appointment and then trips into my office and space to cross some long dreamed of projects off my list at home.

Like all measures of time in adulthood, it will go quickly.  I am psyching myself up to make the most of it.  To slow for a moment and decide if "yes" is what I really want to say.  To extend myself some grace when my heart of heart says "no" or "I can't" or, even, "I don't want to."

Fall has always been my favorite of the seasons, but in the last decade I have collapsed into fall's arms in exhausted relief that summer is over and I don't have to pretend I had fun.  This year, I find myself greeting its arrival with gratitude and appreciation for all the growth this season of summer has brought.

photo credit to my husband.

Little Pookie at Two

Bubbles

Garden Hoses

(with, or without, running water)
the Chicken Dance

Baby dolls

Da-Duck

Blanky

Vacuums

Brooms

Bikes

Skipping-Hopping

Berries

Climbing

Ba-Belle 

(Annebelle our dog)

These are a few of his favorite things.

The One Year Suprise

LP is my third one year old.  Spending time with a one year old helps me understand why people have multiple children.  Some women are all about the baby phase.  Give me a one year discovering the world while toddling around turning over pots in search of his personality any day. 

I can't get enough of LP right now.  He's discovered snuggling.  He has also developed awareness that he has to share me with BB and EG.  While I need to remind him it isn't nice to smack his sister in the face when she sits on my lap, or wedge himself between BB and I when we hug, I giggle inside as it is happening.  I giggle a lot when he's around.

Many years ago I wrote a blog post about how each child has essentially a different version of the the same parent.  For many reasons I wasn't able to savor the other children at this stage as I am able to enjoy LP.  (or maybe, it is simply that parts of my memory have been erased by some cosmic event)  BB, got a mom wrestling with what just happened and wondering how she could recreate life before motherhood.  EG, got a mom overwhelmed with grief.  None of it could be helped and all of it has matured into growth and strength.  But LP, gets me at a time in my life when I can sit and giggle with him while my mind is in the moment.  In large part I am at peace because he (and God...and my friends) spent 9 months living through my panic and dread over, said third child.  Along the way, his existence made me give up some things, make peace with some others and try to get at life from a different angle.  I am at peace in so many ways because of LP.

Mind you, it isn't all sunshine and hearts drawn on our days.  I'm still me.  With a low threshold for care-taking and a fairly selfish need for space.  We enjoy each other on the run.  LP has the most ridiculous schedule and his days are filled with a variety of people.  It might appear he shares me more than the other children, but in my heart I know I'm all his.

The gift isn't lost on me.  Daily, his blue eyes, chubby cheeks and mischievous grin, remind me that out of chaos, best made plans and a life turned upside down, God surprises with grace and a contagious giggle.

Predictable.

* equals internal thoughts in this post.

I hate consumerism.  Mostly because I am so good at being apart of it.  Much like I get irritated by people who exhibit behavior I have identified as negative in myself, I am irritated by suburban sprawl, generic shopping malls and fast food.

You saw this post, right?

I also don't like hypocrisy.

 I have to go days not talking to myself.

This is all to say, we needed a few items at Target today.  The kids were in pretty good spirits and we got through much of the "needs" list with no problem.  But I was increasingly stressed and overwhelmed by the holiday spirit in the store.  I could feel my pulse quickening and my brain spinning as I passed sparkling scarves and evening bags (*we never go out.  so sad.  I wish I had a reason to buy sparkly scarves.) , gingerbread kits (* we get the ones at Michael's, should I just get these?  Will we do it soon? After Thanksgiving?  Is this a good price?  Why don't I know prices better?)  and Christmas tree ornaments.  8 feet tall cardboard red display trees are everywhere holding stocking stuffers. (*stocking stuffers.  I don't have any.  More money.  Do we have stockings? Where are they?)  Christmas cards, stickers and wrapping paper nearly tied me in a bow as I pass by.  (*I don't want to do a card.  Why, not?  What's that about?  Do I have to?  What will I do?  Photos? I said I would always make them...)

I began to lose my train of thought and I began to internally panic that I was not prepared.  I had this sinking feeling that I was going to ruin Christmas for my children.  Prices would never be this low, quantities would never be this high.  I could not wait a minute longer.  Just as I was talking myself back to reality, LP threw a shoe at me.

Literally.  He had removed a shoe and threw it at to me.  The other one was already in the base of the cart.  I picked up the shoe, and I thought I put it in the base of the cart with the other one.

At check out I realized we only had one shoe.  Due to my marketing driven crazy, my mind left me.  I paid for our items and began to retrace our shopping steps with a full cart of bagged items.  EG realized the day wasn't going to head the direction she had hoped (park and then lunch at home while LP napped) and took up the cause with some serious effort.  "Shoe, here shoe!  Oh, shoe-y, shoe...where are you?"

We didn't find it.  I almost prayed about it but then figured God was busy with more pressing matters.  I did have the distinct feeling that I could use a bit of purpose and focus and that perhaps, just perhaps, I was losing a grip on my otherwise held together self, but I hoped deep breathing may do the trick.   It hadn't been turned in to the lost and found desk, when it because necessary for us to leave*, so I gave my name and phone number.  (the security guard had began to circle.)

I unloaded the cart into the back on my car, only to realize I had forgotten dishwasher detergent.*  We headed back inside. (one thing I realized as I looked at other people's One Day photos is that my house is a real mess on a daily basis.  Something I am not proud of, nor focused enough to fix.)

Once we had settled ourselves in the car. I started to make amends for the botched afternoon.

I don't know.  Once a you've fallen down the marketers dream hole, why not keep falling.  McDonald's sounded like an easy enough place to grab lunch, they serve crow right?  I realized yet again, we only go for the toy.

Much of the rest of the afternoon went fine, I came out of my holiday frenzy, accomplished loads and loads of laundry, added to the list of thing I need to do in the coming weeks (this actually calms me, to get it out of my head) and cruised around the theology blogs for a bit.

I am not quite sure how to be who I want to become, but I am pretty sure I know when I'm inching towards the cliff of NotWhatIWant.

 The shoes were found.  I'll go get them tomorrow.


Oh.  Wait.

One Day-Wed. November 14, 2012

When the Hollywood Housewife suggested last week (?) to document One Day, I put it on my calendar.  Then Wednesday, November 14, 2012 began to fill up.  Tuesday, I wondered to myself why I was going to add one more project to the day.  Looking it over, simply getting through the day may have been a major cause for celebration, documenting much of it may have pushed it from busy to down right insane.

But I did it.  My camera and I traveled (88 miles) together all day long.  The kids called me the Camera Woman and wondered why "me and my friends" were doing this.

To add to the festivities, my Husband decided to get new tires for my car today. So the morning would also involve switching cars and driving his car throughout the day.  The appointment for the tires was about the same time he usually takes BB to school, so today instead of Dad taking BB...me and my merry morning friends would get a jump on the day together.

The day started at 5am with the last cup of coffee from Tuesday.  I warmed it up and tried to make it last until I could get some more.  The day progresses with drop off of BB, attempt to get coffee, drop off of EG and a brief stay at school to "help" other women on a birthday gift project for the teacher.  From there LP and I would go look for jeans for me and then pick up EG.  EG, LP and I would meet up my co-worker for lunch and a quick run through of the Family Life Ministry Calendar.  We'd then drive to get BB from school a few minutes early so that we could go back to get EG and BB a haircut.  After the trim, we would go home.  At home I had an hour or so to make two corn casseroles for the church Thanksgiving Feast.  We would all head to choir and the feast, before arriving back home where I would attempt to upload the photos while Husband told me about his day.  At this point fatigue hits me and I give a grumpy look.

"I have been taking care of people all day, can I just do this project for a bit...then I'll come listen to your stories."  says I.
"Alright.  But my stories may change your life."  says he.
"Uh...We'll see."  I offer, as I plug in the camera to the computer and begin to type.

Wed. November 14, 2012  One Day in Photos