Predictable.

* equals internal thoughts in this post.

I hate consumerism.  Mostly because I am so good at being apart of it.  Much like I get irritated by people who exhibit behavior I have identified as negative in myself, I am irritated by suburban sprawl, generic shopping malls and fast food.

You saw this post, right?

I also don't like hypocrisy.

 I have to go days not talking to myself.

This is all to say, we needed a few items at Target today.  The kids were in pretty good spirits and we got through much of the "needs" list with no problem.  But I was increasingly stressed and overwhelmed by the holiday spirit in the store.  I could feel my pulse quickening and my brain spinning as I passed sparkling scarves and evening bags (*we never go out.  so sad.  I wish I had a reason to buy sparkly scarves.) , gingerbread kits (* we get the ones at Michael's, should I just get these?  Will we do it soon? After Thanksgiving?  Is this a good price?  Why don't I know prices better?)  and Christmas tree ornaments.  8 feet tall cardboard red display trees are everywhere holding stocking stuffers. (*stocking stuffers.  I don't have any.  More money.  Do we have stockings? Where are they?)  Christmas cards, stickers and wrapping paper nearly tied me in a bow as I pass by.  (*I don't want to do a card.  Why, not?  What's that about?  Do I have to?  What will I do?  Photos? I said I would always make them...)

I began to lose my train of thought and I began to internally panic that I was not prepared.  I had this sinking feeling that I was going to ruin Christmas for my children.  Prices would never be this low, quantities would never be this high.  I could not wait a minute longer.  Just as I was talking myself back to reality, LP threw a shoe at me.

Literally.  He had removed a shoe and threw it at to me.  The other one was already in the base of the cart.  I picked up the shoe, and I thought I put it in the base of the cart with the other one.

At check out I realized we only had one shoe.  Due to my marketing driven crazy, my mind left me.  I paid for our items and began to retrace our shopping steps with a full cart of bagged items.  EG realized the day wasn't going to head the direction she had hoped (park and then lunch at home while LP napped) and took up the cause with some serious effort.  "Shoe, here shoe!  Oh, shoe-y, shoe...where are you?"

We didn't find it.  I almost prayed about it but then figured God was busy with more pressing matters.  I did have the distinct feeling that I could use a bit of purpose and focus and that perhaps, just perhaps, I was losing a grip on my otherwise held together self, but I hoped deep breathing may do the trick.   It hadn't been turned in to the lost and found desk, when it because necessary for us to leave*, so I gave my name and phone number.  (the security guard had began to circle.)

I unloaded the cart into the back on my car, only to realize I had forgotten dishwasher detergent.*  We headed back inside. (one thing I realized as I looked at other people's One Day photos is that my house is a real mess on a daily basis.  Something I am not proud of, nor focused enough to fix.)

Once we had settled ourselves in the car. I started to make amends for the botched afternoon.

I don't know.  Once a you've fallen down the marketers dream hole, why not keep falling.  McDonald's sounded like an easy enough place to grab lunch, they serve crow right?  I realized yet again, we only go for the toy.

Much of the rest of the afternoon went fine, I came out of my holiday frenzy, accomplished loads and loads of laundry, added to the list of thing I need to do in the coming weeks (this actually calms me, to get it out of my head) and cruised around the theology blogs for a bit.

I am not quite sure how to be who I want to become, but I am pretty sure I know when I'm inching towards the cliff of NotWhatIWant.

 The shoes were found.  I'll go get them tomorrow.


Oh.  Wait.