The Problem with Pregnancy

I'm not a fan of pregnancy.  My feelings on the state of being pregnant have no relationship to my feelings about the children I've given birth to (or the one to come) or even to the early stages of having a baby.

In fact when I first found out I was pregnant this third time, the thought of a new baby brought me initial joy. (my husband was just glad to hear I didn't have cancer.)  The idea of going through the phases of babyhood again were even ok with me.

Then I remembered the 38 wks between peeing on a stick and holding the new baby.
I Was. not. filled. with. joy.  Or anything resembling it.

Pregnancy has a few major themes that fill me with dread and force my personality beyond its comfort zone.  Over the next few days I will share them with you.

1. Vulnerability. 
Pregnancy is this weird dance of making decisions that will protect a baby and coming to terms with the fact you have no control over your own body.  Your body will do what it will do.  The genes have come together to make a new person, and once set in motion, you've got limited impact on who this baby becomes.  Birth defects, special needs, eye color, gender, size..most of it you are powerless to control once the process has been set in motion.

For many of us, pregnancy is the first time we fully come to terms with the fact we are not in control.  Even of our own bodies.  We must trust ourselves--our bodies and our instincts.  We put our trust in doctors and medical professionals.  We take a deep breath and settle back into the arms of God in a whole new way.

Also, under 'vulnerability' is the more humorous way society interacts with pregnant women.  The fact strangers feel an overwhelming need to comment on my body bothers me.  It draws attention to me in ways I don't like.  It forces me to interact with people when I really don't feel like it.  Details about my life become fodder for elevator conversation.
(blessedly, no stranger has ever come close to touching my belly...there is a good chance my face radiates with a glow that says, "Don't even think about it.")

With pregnancy comes an acknowledgement that much of my public persona needs to be exposed.
I have to let go of so many standards:
*fashion
*personal cleanliness--keeping food off the front of me.
*house cleanliness--letting the dust bunnies procreate seems on topic.
*cooking--reaching the handles on the water faucet, keeping my stomach away from the burners...
*breathing--I stopped preaching a month earlier this time because when I get too excited, I can barely breathe.
*generally moving from room to room with grace or ease
*doing things for myself.  Equally annoying is having to admit I just can't do something.