I haven't really begun to think like that. It feels a bit different. Life is a lot busier and frantic than it was when I transitioned from one child to two. Or perhaps it doesn't feel like anything is going to change because here, where I am, in denial--all is well.
But a number of years ago I wrote about this feeling, and I repeat that entry today. It is similar to what I wrote a few posts ago about my heart expanding. I'm not so much 'sad' this time around. There have been no tears for weeks--and they weren't about Baby #3. Sadness was months ago. Panic was months ago. I am pretty serious about my state of denial--I have to pinch myself to remember all this physical pain, list making and frantic planning is being done for an actual reason. I have to mentally remind myself that there is another person coming to live with us.
I could also point to this as growth. I've leaned back on God's grace a whole lot more since this first entry was written.
And here I am.
Life has indeed come out of millions of tiny, and some enormous, deaths. Perhaps my mental state right now isn't denial so much as a matured faith life.
Or perhaps life is just way too comfortable here in Denial and I've lulled myself into all sorts of delusion.
Either way, so far I am staying sane in these End Days.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Week Before...
Today as "Baby Boy"--my son's name for himself in these baby-crazed days--started out on our errands a strange sadness fell over me. I don't 'do' change well, anyone who knows me knows this--and change is a commin'.This is the last week of my daily routine involving just Baby Boy and me. Next week we add another person to the mix and life will never be the same. Maybe because it is Lent and the shadow of the cross is around me or maybe it is just because I am so thoroughly rooted in the ideas that "out of death comes life", I tend to really mourn the changes in my life. It is my pattern. I also don't like being caught off guard. So I like to cut the sad feelings off at the pass, getting to them before they can sneak up and tie me down. I'll admit sometimes I go a little over board with drama in regards to how big of a change it will really be or how realistic it is to anticipate a particular change. Once in a while I get all sad over a change that isn't even on our radar (oh, it will be so hard to leave these people--when we have no plans to move or a place to go) ...it is just one of those "what ifs." or "might happens." But usually I reserve some really good grief for the "big ones."
My husband doesn't quite understand the profound anticipatory grief I feel about life. "Why are you sad now? It (what ever 'it' is) hasn't happened." But for me it is how I process life...I have to anticipate the change and process the 'death' in order to be ready to accept the joy and new life that is surely to come.
I am also absurdly honest about how I feel through these changes. I'm sure when Baby Boy was born my admission that he seemingly, "ruined" our perfectly good routine, felt a bit severe for a new mom. And I still give any new mother around me permission to express sadness over what she has lost while gaining this new joy. I am not shocked when they whisper complaints or question what they have done.
Change sucks...in any form. Of course the changes I had no choice in or the events that I never saw coming throw me but even the ones I created get to me--maybe even more so. Moves, I wanted to make. Jobs, I wanted to take. Deaths, I saw coming. People, I wanted to marry and love more than anyone. Career choices, I alone made. Babies, I am overwhelmed to hold and blessed to care for. All of it, at one point just sucks, and I have learned to anticipate that feeling. Anticipating it actually makes things easier.
So as Baby Boy and I ran completely ordinary errands today, it didn't shock me when mid-stroller push, on a sidewalk we travel many times a month, something told me I should take this moment in deeply. I realized for the first time it was to be among our last. Next time we are here, someone else will be with us. And I don't know much about this little person. The unknown. Change.
I stopped the tears from falling then, but let them fall freely right now. I love hanging out with this little guy. I love the 'Mom and Baby Boy show'...we have a blast talking about the world, chatting with the store clerks, getting in and out of the car, giggling over the amount of goldfish in in car seat, stopping to check out this or that. Sure errands are slower but I have someone to talk to and apparently from some recent outings I have taken alone (and glances made in my direction), I talk to myself a lot.
My annoyance with all things 'change' has taught me to fall back on God's promise of new life. After all, there was a day about two years ago when I was sure we'd made a huge mistake and I so wanted a time machine to go back start over. I know it involved crying (both parent and baby) some bodily fluid (baby) and a whole lotta tired (all involved). It was a day when I was sure my life was over.
And it was.
But it was replaced by this wonderfully chaotic one, the very one that I now grieve. Next week we'll start again--welcoming a new person to this crazy mix that is our clan and I will shed some tears this week in anticipation of the change. I will lament the "last times" and "it will never be this easy agains" and I'll grant myself a moment to second guess our choice. But I will also give thanks for what I am grieving--through it, I am able to give even greater thanks for what is to come.
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