3. Expanding Heart
Along with hearing someone's personal labor and delivery story, every woman experiencing her first pregnancy must be told--"Your life will never be the same" Or some variation of that sentiment.
While this is true. It is an annoying mantra that is usually uttered with a certain amount of smugness or dry/dark humor. (you have no idea what you are in for...)
But then when the subsequent pregnancies (and babies) come along, you do know what you are in for...mostly. Most of the edge has been taken off of this particular learning curve. Each pregnancy and birth is as unique as the child you give birth to, but the initial shock wears off. Except...except for that growing heart.
It is a common concern for parents to wonder how they can love a second (third, etc.) child as much as their precious first born. Articles and columns fill the parenting webpages with this topic. Miraculously, we discover love isn't as finite as we once thought. Our view of our own parents, siblings and Creator expand.
Love, and our ability to love, is larger and more pliable than we knew...
but I have to admit, I wasn't just done with diapers and 2 am feedings, I was pretty sure my heart had stretched as far as I wanted it to. I didn't feel like learning if my heart could expand further. I had had enough...
*enough fear, worry and analysis of how many mistakes I was making in raising the two kids we already have.
*two felt like enough people to keep a handle on--physically, mentally, spiritually--enough care taking.
*enough energy spent discovering who these little people are--dissecting what is ME, from what is THEM.
*wondering how I can weather the bumps and bruises life will throw at my kids. Never mind, "How am I going to help them weather life?"
* enough grace.
Perhaps it is my Scandinavian roots showing, but we've been pretty blessed so far. Our kids are healthy, bright, well behaved...etc. There is this nagging thought that surely our luck will run out. Why push it. This train of thought takes my brain down theological pathways that I don't even believe, but there I go...down a dark alley thinking God's grace and love is conditional and fickle.
* enough joy or awe. This is pretty good, could another child live up to the two we live with now.
I'm not sure my heart can take much more. But I also know that isn't true.
Obviously, a woman can grow and change through a variety of experiences, but part of why I didn't want to go through this again was I felt I was done with some of it.
Lessons learned. Check. "What's next?" Whew, no need to face my feelings of helplessness, vulnerability or these particular fears again. Done working on lack of control. (or the feeling that finally I can regain control of, at least, my body.) No need to engage in mind numbing pregnancy chatter.
but that isn't true. There is much more for me to learn and the lessons are processing and percolating within me as I type.
Slowly at times.
Too fast and furious at other times.
So, I wait.
Knowing that I am no longer who I was, and in a few short weeks, I will be changed all over again. My heart will expand and I will be given another glimpse of how grand and expansive God's love for us is. I will be reminded that no matter who shows up in my arms, God will bring new life--even through my own darkness, fear and no matter how much I resist.
It is a love so strong that it is continually shaping us...in ways we never expected, with lessons we wouldn't have thought of and by little people we never dreamed of.
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