After weeks of 8 to 10 hours of sleeping at night, EG has begun to wake up at 3:00am. Sigh. Now, I cut her some slack, for much of her life she was wrapped up tight and held in place while sleeping. Then when the blankets came off, she threw her hands up over her head, legs falling limp to their sides and she snoozed away...
Then one night, her stomach and back muscles connected and contracted and she pulled her legs up to her side and, Voila! A whole new way to curl up and sleep. Until, last week, when she flipped on to her stomach around 3:00am and didn't know what on earth had happened. WAHHHH...
It isn't just newly tightening stomach muscles keeping her up, either. It is as if someone turned the lights on in the house for her. "Wow, look over there?" "Is that a dog?" "My brother is so funny." And my Daddy...my Daddy makes the funniest faces when I am around." "Oh, oh...over there, that's my Mom, with Mr. Whozit." "Look there....no, there; Turn me around...no, there."
The lights are on and she's taking it all in.
Cliche as it might be to say, I wish I could view life like my children do. All wonder and excitement. Even the ants trooping through our kitchen is cause for joy or the dog's hair all over the floor; a delight! I long for days when my perspective changes, and I am filled with joy...as if the lights went on in this glorious world.
But right now, still less than year after being pregnant, after 4 months in the trenches with a new born and a 2.5 year old's learning curve, currently on steep ascent and nearly eight years of marriage...I'm tired. It isn't even the physical tiredness...rather it is as if my soul is tired. Last time I felt like this, I went away for a worship conference. I was a year or so into my first call. A new marriage, coupled with finishing graduate school, and trooping through the call process, plus the complexity of my congregation, got to me.
For one long weekend I spoke to no one outside of a passing, "Hello." I ate alone. I sat alone in worship. I took in the most amazing liturgies and spent hours strolling the campus and reading in my dorm room.
Not really an option at this stage in my life. People count on me. One, would even starve...(ok, there is such a thing as formula and a freezer full of milk, but you know...it sounds good.) The other two, would live on yogurt, berries and granola. :) They'd be fine.
It isn't even as if I want to run away to a retreat...but a moment to recharge would be good. Time to absorb all that has been going on. A minute of graitude to acknowledge all the new growth and healing. A lull to take stock of the parts that have died and been cut away; time to truly let it go and clean up the debris. Catching my breath would be good.
But the lights have been turned on in the lives of two very dear souls. There is a big world they want to see and talk about...parts of the world, I've seen--the joy might be gone. (parts such as taking forever to get out of the car because it is so fascinating to see how the pretzels smash when you sit on them.) But other parts, I reclaim through their eyes. "Oh, yeah...that is wonderful...or funny...or worthy of pause." (Like, raccoon paw prints forever indented in the concrete outside the clinic or wondering how birds fly SO high. Or the unbridled love on our faces when we look at each other...any of us, looking at the other.) Thanks for reminding me. (Now, shhhhhhh....) Thanks, for reminding me...
Oh, and EG...here's a little life lesson from me to you. At 3:00am. The lights are off. They just are.
No comments:
Post a Comment