Walking My Walk

I picked up The Unlikely Disciple by Kevin Roose on a whim at B and N last week. The subtitle is, "A Sinner's Semester at America's Holiest University," which seemed pretty interesting. I always like a bit of religious voyeurism. Plus, I am truly fascinated by the theological divides in the Christian family. My driving interest into religion has always been my interest in how people, of any faith or none, create meaning in their life.

And of course, being a sinner myself, part of me just wanted more fuel for my "what is wrong with them?" thoughts on fundamental Christianity. Or in a more (or would it be less) thoughtful approach, how can my more moderate Theology of the Cross help frame/heal the wounds evangelical fundamentalism leaves on those around me?

For those that want to read the book, I recommend it. Easy, easy read. I won't say too much more in way of a book review except it is a young man, raised in a Quaker tradition who leave Brown U. to attend a semester at Libery University. Ala Rev. Jerry Falwell. The video link gives an overview.

I feel as if I live this experiment every other week in my MOPS group. You can find my struggles/rants about MOPS in other entries. This fall will be my 4th year of feeling like a theological, political and cultural alien. Of course at first I was 'faking it until I make it' in motherhood as well, so that added to the overwhelming sense of "outsider-ness."

As I read this book, I decided to make peace with my time among the evangelical fundamentals and become more authentic in who I am among "them." I have usually been the quiet one in my groups. I have never shared any hurts, struggles or prayer requests. Never allowing anyone in too far. Which has only served to leave me further out. I participated by making a joke or adding a thought on only the most benign of topics. I haven't wanted to be too controversial or to alienate myself too far from the herd. Plus, they bring out the worst case of competitiveness...I feel this need to prove or justify my Christianity among them...with everyone working so hard to show how Christian they are, it is very hard for me not to want to join in. But I know I can't in their eyes, so I have just given up and remain silent.

Most likely no one else is thinking about this as much I am as we sip our coffee, craft it up, and take a moment to ponder better parenting. Nor is anyone else making it in to a theological competition. Probably all they see is a silent, moody woman who isn't much fun to be around. One who feels a bit like a alien, not only in the room but in her own skin. That's a feeling, for better or worse, I would like to shed. It has got to feel better than the alternative.