Last Wednesday, I celebrated the second most amazing thing I have accomplished thus far. The second and first, 'most amazing' accomplishments are similar. I managed to keep EG alive, with some help, for 12 whole months. She made it. I made it. We all made it.
She is alive and thriving, with smiles and giggles to share. She is joy incarnate and I love her more than she will ever know. One specific, 'amazing things for me' about EG's 12 month life is that I breastfed her the entire time. I made it 7 months with BB and that is a generous accounting. In reflecting upon this difference in my time with them, I realized they really had different mothers.
BB's mom was overwhelmed and suffocated by the enormous amount of attention he needed in those first months. She felt like she was in post traumatic shock syndrome for the first few months. She felt like the new kid in school among other mom's. She was sure she wasn't accomplishing anything with her time and talents. She felt like she was faking it most days...waiting for it to feel real. She was in a hurry to get back to normal...her schedule, her emotions, her body, her mind...she wanted it back and was often frantic in her search for it.
EG's mom knows more. She is no longer adjusting to her identity as 'mom,' she just is one. For better or worse, most days better, it is part of who she is now. If this mom has learned nothing else it is that 'normal' will never return. It was really an illusion to begin with. No, this mom knows that what she had...with herself, her body, her mind, her husband, her friends, her job...will never be again. And most days she is ok to wait to see what will be.
I like EG's mom better. This isn't her first crack at keeping a baby alive for 12 months so she relaxes a bit more. She's more tired, and so she looks upon the times she has to sit with EG not as, interruptions in her hunt for "what was" but as chances to pause to see "what is."
It is time for EG to take up cow's milk...for us to part ways a bit. But I won't let her get too far away just yet...and I'll keep her brother close too, together they are introducing me to myself in ways no one else can.
2 comments:
I love this! I read a book once that said, "No two children have the same parents" - helped me think about who my parents were, as opposed to the mom and dad who were raising my sister. The time and conditions of each child's birth, the condition of their parents and their cumulative experiences - all different. I hope both moms in your house enjoy both kids!
I have not yet met that minle stone marker with child number two, but understand what you mean about the two totally different experiences with the kids and how I just am MOM now and that is great too.
Love your insights!
-BW
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