It has been nearly a year since she was diagnosed. My grief has been building to this point. Now it is time to go to the depth of my pain and as a friend said, "be with those who can help you come back up."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
My Godmother...
It has been nearly a year since she was diagnosed. My grief has been building to this point. Now it is time to go to the depth of my pain and as a friend said, "be with those who can help you come back up."
Friday, August 22, 2008
Your Silence Won't Protect You
I wasn't completely sure of what he meant when he said it to me. During CPE, I was a chaplain in a children's hospital and responsible for one other floor in the "regular" hospital. Walking in and out of stranger's rooms put me way out of my comfort zone. So did the small group therapy sessions that happened with other chaplains during the week.
I'm an observer. I tend to stand back and watch a group before deciding how, or if, I will join in. At the time, I didn't fully understand how this bit of wisdom would relate to ministry...or life for that matter, but over the years it has played back in my mind time and time again.
Silence is often my amour of choice, and he was right, it doesn't protect me. It buys me time. It helps me calculate what is going on within a group. It allows this extrovert some time to think verse react, but it doesn't protect me. (Using extrovert as 'one who talks until they know what they think' verses an introvert who 'thinks until they know what they feel')
I am once again reminded of this phrase, this time in terms of marriage. I've known my husband since 1994. We were married in 2000. We know each other. We are good friends. We are very different. Communication is always tricky...perhaps especially when you know each other and are good friends. It is easy to assume the other knows what you want and need. It is very easy to assume the other thinks and needs the same thing in the same way they needed and felt in 1994.
It is also easy with two kids, a dog, house, jobs, sickness, grief, etc. to lose each other and to lose oneself. The wise words from the CPE director came back to me the other day when mid-let's just say it-fight, my husband said, "You need to tell me these things. I don't just know."
I was silent for a few reasons. One is, I fall victim to the fantasy that the love of your life should just know you; and two, if I don't say what I want, I don't run the risk of not getting it. The third, not so flattering one is, that it is easier to whine "I'm so misunderstood." than it is to do the work to be understood.
Peacebang writes a lovely entry about her summer of self care and as I read it I was overcome with jealously. It wasn't so much what she said, although she writes beautifully and has wise things to say, it was that she had the time to do the work. I should say, made the time. This is what I need, a time of reflection. I need the world to pause so I can breathe and catch up. Mine wouldn't/can't look exactly like her Summer of Prayer, and because I have fallen into a bit of 'martyr mom mode,' I just pout around mopey that I can't get a break. Silently fuming and fussing...grief and gripes piling up--I choose silence.
My silence won't protect me. It is, actually, hurting me. If I don't speak up and say what I need, there is no chance I will get it. Accusing others of denying me my needs isn't fair or true. Some of what I need, can't happen and I must make peace with that. In other cases, I don't know exactly what I am trying for...but silence isn't it.
Friday Five from RevGalBlog
1) Datebooks--how do you keep track of your appointments? Electronically? On paper? Month at a glance? Week at a glance?
I have a datebook. It shows a week at a time. I like to see ahead and I like to use a pen/pencil--don't think the electronic would work for me. I have a master calendar on the fridge as well.
2) When was the last time you forgot an important date?
Rarely, if ever. (Friends and family: true or false?) Some sneak up on me. I find birthdays to be very important so have most acquaintances' and friends' (most...not all.) written on my calendars. This includes baptismal dates, anniversaries, deaths, due dates, etc.
3) When was the last time you went OUT on a date?
2005.
...no, let's see. Oh, oh...we went out for dinner sometime between July 07 and March of 08.
4) Name one accessory or item of clothing you love even though it is dated.
Most of my clothes fit into this category. I think they are still current and then when I think about when I first bought them, I realize a decade or more has gone by. Oops. (Plus, most no longer fit.)
5) Dates--the fruit--can't live with 'em? Or can't live without 'em?
I am not a fan of the date.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Overheard at the Pastor's House
In a last ditch attempt to avoid bedtime..."I want a drink. (no luck) One more book...just one. (nope) I need to say prayers again. (nearly caved, but we had said all the prayers.) I waaaaannnntttt Body of Christ."
When I caught him poking his sister's forehead and told him not to touch her..."I looking for her cross."
"Mom, you locked me from my Bible." The hallway gate was up, blocking his access to his room.
Friday, August 15, 2008
36 Years
I realize 36 isn't exactly, old, but I am beginning to understand what "older" people mean when they say they still feel young. I imagine we all carry with us parts from each age and time...setting down some 'us' at stages in our life, leaving some behind for good, picking up others decades later. Perhaps the trick is to never completely lose our grip on the best of what make us, us.
I am still a 6 year old playing with my imaginary brothers and sisters. Creating my own little world to live in.
I am still 10 talking a mile a minute and dancing around in joy.
I am still 16 and sure I have all the answers, even though it is often (always?) just bravado.
I am still 18 skiing through the snow tipped pine trees faster and faster, pushing myself to be better.
I am still 20 and looking around at all the options available for me. (and still often overwhelmed.)
I am still 22, wanting to save the world and make a difference. Having a great time with friends and exploring who I want to be.
I am still 25 and inspired by God's call to serve. In awe of how much there is to learn.
I am still 30, confident and calm...er. Creating a life that feels meaningful.
I am still 33, growing into new roles and fighting to remain true to me while others pull at my legs and heart.
I am 36. At peace with much, restless enough to keep pushing, and thankful for all the gifts I have been given.
For each of you who contribute to my life...thank you and here's to a new year.
Weighing Options
have oatmeal, eggs or peanut butter toast for breakfast?
take Big Boy and EG to the park by our house or the one at the mall?
get coffee at Starbucks or make tea at home?
raise my voice even louder in an effort to get Big Boy's attention or try another tack?
write a blog entry or knit?
take a nap or do laundry?
stay home with the kids for the next two years or explore the call option I was offered on Sunday?
grow where I am planted or find more accommodating soil?
read Kathleen Norris' new book, Acedia & Me: Marriage, Monks, and a Writer's Life or finish up The Cross in Context?
create a class to teach at the church or wait to see how the fall shapes up and what projects come up?
keep making this list or let it go?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Must Haves for Summer Travel
What are the five things you simply must have when you are away from home? And why? Any history or goofy things, or stories?
1. My pillow. It is just perfect and the only one I like. I choose to not bring it to my in-laws a few weeks ago and PAID the price. I've never experienced such high, hard pillows in all my life. My parents house is just the opposite...there I've never seen flatter pillows. Plus, having it helps me sleep in the car.
2. My toothbrush is an obvious answer.
3. Outside of those two...I am having a hard time coming up with things I MUST HAVE...(so, why did you choose this topic, one might ask?) Blistex chapstick is always with me.
4. A book, magazine, knitting or something to do in the car. (This was more so pre-kids...now they seem to find lots for me to do. In fact I demanded to drive the last time we went somewhere. It was to only way to relax.)
5. My hairdryer. I don't know that I must have it...but I always pack it.
(ok, if I am honest, I always pack makeup and my own shower soaps and shampoo/conditioner. But I don't HAVE to have them...)
These things are only fun if YOU join in...How about you?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Ok. Everyone, Back to School.
I'm ready for our schedules to pick back up again. Enough of this laying around until 7am and no plan for the day except going to a park, playing in the backyard pool and enjoying iced tea at a sidewalk cafe. Enough, already. Bring back a schedule...places to go and most importantly PEOPLE TO SEE.
How sad is it that I am serious? I think what is really getting me is the nagging guilt that I should be planning super duper fun days for Big Boy. Explore Nature Day or Color Red Day or Learn About Cooking Day. There is also added pressure (coming only from some self created La La Land within my mind) to have a perfectly clean, orderly house. During the other nine months I have outside projects and obligations that keep this pressure at bay...projects are so much more important than dust bunnies under the bed.
I realize I sound ridiculous, and that only makes me feel worse. :) The funk is on in full force.
Editors Note: I just reviewed this entry a few hours later...perhaps I shouldn't write when in a funk. At least not without offering a contest to see who can spot all my typos. :)
Click
A long time ago, say 5 to 10 years, disposable cameras were all the rage. My youth group loved going on photo scavenger hunts and every wedding I was at had them at the table. Yesterday, I bought two for our trip. (My husband did remind me that I could have just bought film for the other camera..."oh, yeah, film.")
The camera throughly confused Big Boy. "Wait, wait stay still a little longer. I need to wind the film to take the next photo."
"Mommy, why you say, wind the film?," he asked.
Then he got quite agitated when he couldn't look at the photo a second after I snapped it. I tried to explain the process of film and film developing...but I got a very glazed over look right before he said...
"Mommy, go get a real camera so I can see myself right now." Lovely. Just, lovely.
Friday, August 08, 2008
All in One Read
Get your life on track. How one small change can turn everything around.
48 Solutions: Love, Money, work--no problem!
12 Ways to Unclutter your home, car, mail even your mind.
Got 10 Mins? World's fastest fitness plan.
If you think you're too fat...to wear the new fall clothes, think again.
Never in all my life has one magazine cover fixed every problem I have. Plus, I can enter a sweepstakes to win $250,000.
One through read of September O Magazine and this Work in Progress will be a completed work 'o art. Won-der-ful!
Training for the Olympics...
Apparently, I have some variation on this theme. My imagine of myself as an athlete is so ingrained in my psyche, that I actually think of myself on the same plain as the athletes being interviewed on TV. I nod in total solidarity and understanding as they talk about their training with Matt Lauer and crew. "Oh, I know how those days go." I act as if I understand what they are going through and how hard they are working. I still see myself as that 20something competive athlete who devotes her entire day to her training and health.
Before I could hop a plane to Beijing in time to line up for the opening ceremonies...reality hit me. On Tuesday, while I was in the kitchen watching the kids each lunch, I did fifteen leg squats. No weights. Just bending down and up fifteen times in a row. (Now, mind you my form was perfect.)
Wednesday morning my quad muscles were sore. Sore, people!
Perhaps, getting a tighter grip on my athlete reality should be my first training goal.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Which Bacon, Dear?
Grocery shopping for me has long been the bane of my existence. I would enjoy it if it didn't take so many blasted steps. Pick out the food, put in cart, unload cart, bag food, carry to car, carry to house, unload...you know. I enjoy cooking and it is fun to pick out ingredients and wander (given the right store---another entry entirely.) I get how it could be wildly fun to wander about aimlessly looking for the freshest ingredients for an upcoming party or get together. I get it. I'm just SO not there right now.
Right about the time I began to enjoy cooking, I also had kids and food gathering became a necessity rather than an activity to savor.
I had a bit of a generational clash on Sunday at the grocery store. As it is with grocery shopping, the people you walk in the doors with is usually the gang you are going to shop with from produce to check out. Sure I may skip some of the aisles they hit and vice versa but some how we'll end up offering a passing smile to each other and saying, "Oh, excuse me..." a good five to ten times before bagging it all up and calling it a day.
I knew I was in trouble shortly after I grabbed a cart. I don't mind the elderly, or the young aimless twenty somethings and I empathize with those shopping with their kids...it is the dreaded empty nester's or 50 to 60 year olds that drive me crazy. Usually they show up together--husband and wife--after probably a good twenty years of one of them doing this task on their own. They are just beginning to figure out the rules of this new stage of life and decide to involve all of us in the process.
I bet these things are true:
Whoever use to do the shopping knows exactly what brands he or she likes to buy.
Whoever use to do the shopping had a set pattern for how he or she moved through the store.
Whoever use to do the shopping is a mite tired of it.
Now in this new territory, the one who use to be in charge of shopping makes concessions to the other or frankly no longer cares. There may even be a shift of job assignments, with a new kid trying to find ownership over this task and the other one trying to bite his or her lip as they watch the "new" way emerge. Or the one who hasn't done the shopping finds these aisle full of choices novel and exciting...their joy and glee may be endearing to the one who loves them but I find it just plain exhausting to work around.
The other option for their meandering is that they are looking for ways to spend time together now that they aren't running off in 20 directions. Sunday morning ambling over coffee and...broccoli. ??? Seriously folks, I can think of 100 other ways to be together.
Food is a basic need, and some of us need to get a move on.
On the day in mind, I followed a lovely couple. They paused to reflect on berries, on the lettuce, on the bananas. "How's this one?" "What do you think of these?" "Is this enough?" The biggest problem was they liked to stand apart from one another...she'd push on ahead with the cart and he'd be behind running back and forth to show her the goods. Or they'd stand on either side of the aisle and chat.
I thought I lost them around the deli cheeses, only for them to take a shortcut to catch me by the bacon and deli meats. He had moved on up the meat aisle and she was back selecting bacon. "Maybe we should try this bacon?" "Well, Hon, we've never had that one?" Her passion for the pig drew him in...leaving his cart mid-aisle he took off back to be with her. "Or look over there, another brand--do you think we'd like this one?" "How many do we need again, dear?"
Oh, for the LOVE of nitrates...pick one.
It was when she deferred to his opinion on which MILK to buy that I had to find away to leave them behind for good. It is milk people. Yes, there is a WIDE variety these days but I bet you know exactly what kind you drink.
So I hid with the peanuts for awhile (long enough for the guy stocking the shelves to wonder about me...) and then I inched back out to get my oatmeal.
I understand, I really, really do...transition is tough. But take the meandering and 'hem and hawing' and the "getting to know you again" stuff to Barnes and Nobel, (or therapy) some of us are hungry.
(Mom, and all the other wonderful 60 year old who read this...I know..I know. We'll understand someday. Forgive the rant of this mere 30 something.)
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Open
And yet, there are real hurts among us all. Hurts friends, and strangers, carry that are hidden from view. I have often been blind to their needs. Forgive me.
So, protect my heart from hardening and my self from turning inward. Keep me open to the larger needs, those beyond me and mine. Teach me to empty myself as your Son did...remind me that your Grace is ever flowing.
Amen.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I'm Ready...
--Spiders? Check.
--Cobwebs? Check.
--Dust covering the furniture to give it that aged look? Check.
--Scary cries coming from the house? Check.
--Savage dog barking? Check.
--Dark mold growing? Check.
--Clutter out to trip over? Check.
Bring on Halloween!
Today, is cleaning day.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Eight Years Ago...
In this day and age when it is common place to wonder, "Why get married?" and more often, "Why stay married?" the last two paragraphs give words to what I feel about this calling, marriage.
Love to my beloved today and always...
Wendell Berry, from "Poetry and Marriage"
The meaning of marriage begins in the giving of words. We cannot join ourselves to one another without giving our word. And this must be an unconditional giving, for in joining ourselves to one another we join ourselves to the unknown. We can join one another only by joining the unknown. We must not be misled by the procedures of experimental thought: in life, in the world, we are never given two known results to choose between, but only one result that we choose without knowing what it is.
Marriage rests upon the immutable givens that compose it: words, bodies, characters, histories, places. Some wishes cannot succeed; some victories cannot be won; some loneliness is incorrigible. But there is relief and freedom in knowing what is real; these givens come to us out of the perennial reality of the world, like the terrain we live on. One does not care for this ground to make it a different place, or to make it perfect, but to make it inhabitable and to make it better. To flee from its realities is only to arrive at them unprepared.
Because the condition of marriage is worldly and its meaning communal, no one party to it can be solely in charge. What you alone think it ought to be, I is not going to be. where you alone think you want it to go, it is not going to go. It is going where the two of you—and marriage, time, life, history, and the world—will take it. You do not know the road; you have committed your life to a way.
Forms join us to time, to the consequences and fruitions of our own passing. The Zen student, the poet, the husband, the wife—none knows with certainty what he or she is staying for, but all know the likelihood that they will be staying “awhile”: to find out what they are staying for. And it is the faith of all of these disciplines that they will not stay to find that they should not have stayed.
That faith has nothing to do with what is usually called optimism. As the traditional marriage ceremony insists, not everything that we stay to find out will make us happy. The faith, rather, is that by staying, and only by staying, we will learn something of the truth, that the truth is good to know, and that it is always both different and larger than we thought.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Batman in the Quad Cities
As he was playing, he called out from the other room, "Mom, is Batman playing in the Quad Cities now?" Huh?
Those of you who know me know how odd it is that he knows anything about Batman; and the Quad Cities? Well, we just drove through twice and are preparing for a third...and fourth drive through but...how odd is that?
The way his brain is putting bits and pieces together right now is equal parts hilarious and frightening.
He walked up to me yesterday during the Today Show (which he wasn't watching) and said, "You can get 2 for $4." and handed me a fisher price chicken.
Of course he's getting these bits and pieces from the little tv and radio he overhears during the day. Sigh.
At this rate I will have to turn off movies, tv and talk radio. I'll be forced to listen to, gasp!, music. :)
"Why?"
Little does he know how fitting this is. There are a lot of "Whys?" floating around our life right now.
As it was recently stated by someone dear to me..."If he can answer that one, he'd make a lot of people happy."
Big Boy's insistent "Why" questions are like nails on the chalk board of my soul for many reasons. First among, I don't ask the question. "Why?" isn't ever at the top of my list. I'm not overly scholarly or investigative. I'm often ok accepting that I don't know how is works or how that happened.
Theologically, I don't think things do happen for a particular reason. Or rather, I don't think God makes things happen for a particular reason.
Right now, I understand how religion and theology can fail to ease our questions. I've had plenty of struggles and "bad things" happen to me and mine over the years...I've pushed questions of faith around and settled down knowing there isn't an answer this side of heaven. I give my "we are the creatures not the Creator" talk during confirmation. I believe it and it actually sits well with me. But right now, as things are shaping up, it isn't good enough.
It isn't that I need to know the actual "Why" of illness and suffering...it is that I want to know how God stands to see creation in this state. If I allow myself to feel even a fraction of the pain and loss I am experiencing, I can't breathe. How then must God feel?
But I have to say, I'm not feeling all that compassionate towards God right now. :)
Big Boy and others may ask, "Why?" about the state of the world, it is truer to my personality, to state demands. "Make it stop." "Make it better." "How DARE you!?"
This is among my less edited posts and as I write, I realize, "How dare you?" is exactly where I am at.
Forget "Why?" no reason would be good enough.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Hey, Who Turned the Lights On?
Then one night, her stomach and back muscles connected and contracted and she pulled her legs up to her side and, Voila! A whole new way to curl up and sleep. Until, last week, when she flipped on to her stomach around 3:00am and didn't know what on earth had happened. WAHHHH...
It isn't just newly tightening stomach muscles keeping her up, either. It is as if someone turned the lights on in the house for her. "Wow, look over there?" "Is that a dog?" "My brother is so funny." And my Daddy...my Daddy makes the funniest faces when I am around." "Oh, oh...over there, that's my Mom, with Mr. Whozit." "Look there....no, there; Turn me around...no, there."
The lights are on and she's taking it all in.
Cliche as it might be to say, I wish I could view life like my children do. All wonder and excitement. Even the ants trooping through our kitchen is cause for joy or the dog's hair all over the floor; a delight! I long for days when my perspective changes, and I am filled with joy...as if the lights went on in this glorious world.
But right now, still less than year after being pregnant, after 4 months in the trenches with a new born and a 2.5 year old's learning curve, currently on steep ascent and nearly eight years of marriage...I'm tired. It isn't even the physical tiredness...rather it is as if my soul is tired. Last time I felt like this, I went away for a worship conference. I was a year or so into my first call. A new marriage, coupled with finishing graduate school, and trooping through the call process, plus the complexity of my congregation, got to me.
For one long weekend I spoke to no one outside of a passing, "Hello." I ate alone. I sat alone in worship. I took in the most amazing liturgies and spent hours strolling the campus and reading in my dorm room.
Not really an option at this stage in my life. People count on me. One, would even starve...(ok, there is such a thing as formula and a freezer full of milk, but you know...it sounds good.) The other two, would live on yogurt, berries and granola. :) They'd be fine.
It isn't even as if I want to run away to a retreat...but a moment to recharge would be good. Time to absorb all that has been going on. A minute of graitude to acknowledge all the new growth and healing. A lull to take stock of the parts that have died and been cut away; time to truly let it go and clean up the debris. Catching my breath would be good.
But the lights have been turned on in the lives of two very dear souls. There is a big world they want to see and talk about...parts of the world, I've seen--the joy might be gone. (parts such as taking forever to get out of the car because it is so fascinating to see how the pretzels smash when you sit on them.) But other parts, I reclaim through their eyes. "Oh, yeah...that is wonderful...or funny...or worthy of pause." (Like, raccoon paw prints forever indented in the concrete outside the clinic or wondering how birds fly SO high. Or the unbridled love on our faces when we look at each other...any of us, looking at the other.) Thanks for reminding me. (Now, shhhhhhh....) Thanks, for reminding me...
Oh, and EG...here's a little life lesson from me to you. At 3:00am. The lights are off. They just are.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Sermon Matthew 13
What I've got as of 9:30pm. We'll see what actually gets preached tomorrow. :)
Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23
A sower went out to sow. Perhaps it is no conscience that this text always comes around in the lectionary cycle mid-summer. When the corn is knee high, and the tomatoes are ripening on the vine.
This summer, I’ve been vicariously growing a garden by keeping up with my friend’s garden via a web page online and through emails. Her excitement is palpable—from her preparations of the soil—mixing the beautiful rich soil from the ND Red River Valley with the sandy mixture that makes up her new yard in Chicago, to the seed planting party, to photos of the seeds growth and the nights she spends sitting out among the plants anticipating their development and the harvest. It is a joy to experience...from a far.
It has been many years since I attempted a garden. When we first moved into our parsonage in Fargo, I wanted to give it a try. I could have consulted books and made a plan…instead I called my grandparents who lived an hour away. I enlisted a parishioner to till up the soil and picked out some seeds I thought would be fun to grow. When my grandparents arrived to help, what was to be a little garden, became a whole big event…and a memory I will cherish. At the time, I just stood back and watched them work. My grandpa has a certain way he likes to plant a garden. (EXPAND ON) “Precision” doesn’t quite fully explain it. We measured and planned. We stopped short of getting out the level to see if the rows were straight. We made perfect circles for the cucumbers. The tomatoes and peppers are evenly spaced. We didn’t waste or lose one seed. The garden produced a bounty and it was beautiful...but between the weed and the harvesting, I haven't attempted much beyond a flower bed since. (But, that is for another sermon.)
A sower went out to sow.
In Matthew’s Parable of the Sower, it isn’t any old farmer that goes out to sow. This is, of course, the Sower of the Universe….the one who created light and oxygen and soil and seeds. This sower not only plants cucumber and watermelon seeds…but also plants seeds of grace and forgiveness, justice and mercy, deep within creation…waiting patiently for the good growth to sprout.
While my friend may reflect some of God’s joy at watching these seeds grow….God the sower does not plant seed quite the same way as any farmer or gardener I know of, especially not my grandparents. From this parable, it seems God throws out the seed willy-nilly all over the soil. And in turn, some of the seed falls on rocky soil and some falls on good soil. Birds eat some of it; the hot sun consumes other seeds. There is apparently no care for the seeds placement or consideration of cost benefit analysis. Frankly, it seems a little wasteful.
I have this image of God standing in the fields of our life with a huge, bottomless bag of seed—seed that is God’s Word—and with an overflowing handful God begins to spin. As God spins the Word is sent out all over our lives—love, mercy, forgiveness, patience scatters down over us. It falls in every nook and cranny—every corner.
This is, of course, not how we plant a garden…nor it seems, how we spread the Gospel. But perhaps it is how we are meant to.
In today’s parable Jesus is teaching his disciples about spreading the Word. It is meant to encourage them—because if they thought proclaiming the gospel was like any other profession, they were going to get discouraged pretty quickly. We’ve all known the feeling of being passionate about something; sure that everyone else will catch your zeal…only to be crushed by another’s indifference. I imagine Jesus preparing the disciples for lives spend sowing seeds that they may never see the fruits of. The Word they spread was going to fall in every type of life. Some will be “good soil” hearing the word, as Jesus says, “who indeed bear fruit and yields in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty.”
But none of us is completely made up of one type of soil…we aren’t just hard defensive rocks, most us aren’t all easy going, weak sand, we can’t just be brittle clay…no one is pure rich soil. One day the Word may catch us and another fall on a hard place. As we disciples scatter the Gospel, it is nearly impossible to fully know another person’s soil content—perhaps we best leave that to God.
But every congregation I’ve ever been a part of has, at one point or another, measured their ministry by the world’s standards verses God’s. “We have this precious seed”, we think…”Where can we plant it to get the most growth?” “Who will it benefit the most?” Ministry programs are carefully analyzed. Budgets are considered. Space, time, volunteer numbers…all of it weighted and factored in. Events and worship services are kept based on how many people attended. Success is often measured by human standards--human standards and the mind set of scarcity. Very seldom do we grab a handful of the Gospel and just start spinning…
Often our relationships are treated the same way. A tough heart. A cross word. A bad decision. And our reaction is to withdraw, to stop sowing. We give up on some people, feeling as if we are wasting our time trying to talk with them, or love them, or forgive them, or reach them. When days, weeks, months, YEARS go by and we see minimal progress or growth in our friends or family or our kids. We wonder, “What has it all been for?” “How long can we pray?” “How long does hope hold out?” Very seldom do we grab a handful of the Gospel and start spinning…
Unfortunately, we treat ourselves the same way. We try and we try and we try…we feel growth…the seeds of patience and maturity taking root, love seems to be blooming…only to get caught up in hate or gossip or envy or ill will, and feel the old self return. It is painful to realize we aren’t as mature as we thought. When that happens it is hard to offer ourselves grace. Hard to be human—easy to turn on ourselves. We wonder what all the work was for and why even try again…it is hard to grab a handful of the Gospel and spin….
A sower went out to sow.
The seeds of love and forgiveness that our lives plant on this earth won’t always bear fruit. Some of the seeds will blow far, far away. Some will fall and be burnt up, some of it will drown. Some of it just won’t take. Some of it destroyed by hate and violence. Some by fear. Not all of it will take root just now.
This is a grace-filled message for those of charged with proclaiming the gospel…Our task is not to measure and arrange a neat garden, our task is to keep on planting. God will provide the nutrients necessary…there will be growth. That is God’s promise to creation. Perhaps not everywhere, perhaps not every time, perhaps not the amount we hoped for…but growth, when we keep planting.
Archbishop Oscar Romero’s prayer came to mind…
It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.
This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.
We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.
This world is made up all sorts of soil—some ready for planting, some too rough and hard to take seed yet. Many a person might wonder why God would continue to waste good seed on us. After all we’ve made quite a mess of creation…only making it worse from what I can gather. Self preservation is often our first goal. We aren’t the most lovable some days. We’ve got hard shells and worn out spirits. We doubt and worry. We fear and fret. So often we want the planting to go our way and growth to happen on our calendar.
God seems to know this and in spite of it, maybe because of our weakness, God doesn’t seem to think it is wasteful at all to keep heaping on the love and scattering hope. Over and over again God keeps replanting our lives with his gracious love.
A sower has gone out to sow. Thanks be to God. Amen.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Is it wrong...
Just asking. A completely hypothetical situation.